Jon McGregor - Even the Dogs

We see Mike. And he says Eh now pal I’ll be off now then. I got some things I need to. I got a bus to. And we turn and. We see Mike still talking on his phone. Striding out into the middle of the road. His long coat swinging around his. Going I knew this kid at school and he. If they wanted to get a little closer to the truth the double the. Let me tell you a secret pal I’ve got all sorts up in this. Just so long as you. Road traffic accident is one word for it. More like bosh catch that bus in the face you know what I’m saying pal you know what. Step out in the middle of the road and. Couldn’t even get that right. When it came down to. Going too slow and caught it at an angle. The look on the driver’s face. Woke up all them weeks later giving it all Where am I where am I. Nurses were good but they weren’t actually angels you know what I’m. Weren’t no closer to heaven than before and weren’t no closer to the other place neither. You know what I’m. I’ve like descended to the. And come back to tell. So what am I meant to do now like. What’s the plan now Mikey pal. Got to have a plan. Takes like resourcefulness and. Takes a lot of. He keeps muttering away like this. Over his shoulder. Down Barford Street and through the markets. Over the footbridge and under the underpass and on up the hill towards the playing fields and the flats. Heading back to the flat because where else can he. Going slow. Two crutches and his legs wrapped in bandages. Crying out each time his foot hits the floor. Keeps going though but. Dragging his feet and leaning all his weight on those metal sticks. Keeps turning to look behind him, down near his ankles, like he thinks there’s a dog or a pack of hungry dogs coming after. But there’s nothing. What was he trying to. Did he think he could get out that. Did he think that was a way of getting away from. Couldn’t even get that right and instead he’s here now listening to all these questions and. What does he know. How much does he. Talking on the phone. And his long coat swinging around his. And Laura sitting in the court waiting for all the questions to come to an end.

coroner:. . four of you entered the flat by the kitchen window, and stayed there, what, the rest of the day?

laura: A few hours, I suppose.

coroner: And what did you do while you were there?

laura: Stuff. You know.

coroner: You took drugs?

laura: ( laughter ) No comment like.

coroner: I appreciate that you don’t want to create any problems for yourself, Laura, but it is important that we get a clear picture of what happened that day. It is the last time we know of that anyone saw your father alive. So, let me rephrase the question — were drugs taken in the flat that afternoon?

laura: Yeah. Suppose.

coroner: Which drugs?

laura: Smack. Crack.

coroner: And did your father take any of these drugs?

laura: No. He never did. Never wanted to.

coroner: No, as would appear to be supported by the pathologist’s report. But he had no objection to others taking drugs on the premises?

laura: No.

coroner: Now. You’ve said in your statement to the police that when you left the flat it was because your father had asked you to buy some food and some alcohol for him, is that correct? And food for his dog?

laura: Yeah.

coroner: And he gave you the money for this?

laura: Yeah.

coroner: And you’ve said that you went to the petrol station on the city side of the ring road to buy food and drink for him, and for the dog, yes?

laura: Yeah.

coroner: All four of you went?

laura: No, just me and Mike.

coroner: And the other two?

laura: They went off to score. To buy drugs.

coroner: So. You and Mike went to buy the food and drink for your father, but according to your statement, you didn’t immediately deliver it to him.

laura: ( inaudible )

coroner: I’ll note for the tape that you’ve shaken your head, and take that as a no. You say you were, and I quote, a bit sidetracked.

laura: ( inaudible )

coroner: Can you tell me what you mean by a bit sidetracked? Did anyone deliberately impede you from delivering the food and drink you’d purchased?

laura: ( inaudible )

coroner: Laura?

laura: ( expletive )

coroner: Laura, would you prefer to take a short break at this stage?

laura: ( inaudible ) No. No one deliberately done nothing. I went off and done some gear and forgot about it for a bit. All right?

coroner: I see.

laura: We went off to the garage and bought the stuff, and when we came out Mike just done one, just like scattered up the road. Didn’t say nothing and I weren’t that bothered anyway. He does that sometimes. He’s a bit like unpredictable and that. No offence, Mike. ( Inaudible interjection from the court .) I headed back up to the flat, but I bumped into Danny, and he’d just scored, and I was just suddenly desperate for a bit so I told Danny he could come and use my room at the hostel if he split his share of the gear with me. I was going to take the food up to the flat after but I forgot.

coroner: And did you regularly take drugs in the hostel? It’s not permitted, is it?

Nothing but questions in that place. In the rehab. Asking questions about way back. About families and. Sitting around in a circle in a room full of books and flipcharts with the breeze blowing through and the beech trees on the long sloping lawn outside. Posters on the wall going all like Today is the first day of the rest of your whatever. Some bloke going Let’s talk about your family now shall we. Are you angry about what happened. Who do you blame do you blame yourself. And what about your mother. How did you feel when her new partner moved in. What was it that made you leave home when you did. All these questions. And sitting there looking at the floor and biting her nails and looking out at the trees and the sloping lawn. Too much to think about. Too much to say. Going How do you think I felt. And the smart bastard going Well, Laura, it’s not about me is it now. Didn’t say nothing that first time. But thinking it over. A lot of time for thinking it over in there. And another day saying I just wanted to see for myself after everything my mum had told me about him. Saying She lied to me about other stuff so I thought she’d been lying about him and about them and about why we left. And another day going I thought he’d make me feel better about myself or something like. And everyone else in the circle mumbling agreement with her. Like they knew anything about. But that’s what it was like. Supportive and that. Patting everyone on the back for going And then he raped me or whatever. When who knew. Looking for answers and that, and the guidance bloke going Mmm I think we’ve made some real progress today. And Laura going When she said her and Paul were going to emigrate and they already had jobs lined up and they wanted me to go with them I was so angry I couldn’t believe it I was so. And someone else in there going What I miss most about the gear what I struggle most with now is I have to think about things I have to remember things. At least before it was all blocked out. I can take the rattles it’s just the dealing with stuff I can’t deal with. And everyone clapping like that was headline news or something. Like a revelation and. Someone else going It’s like when you’re on the gear all your emotions and memories are blocked up it’s like being constipated in a way and after a while it gets more comfortable like that like you don’t even want the shit to come out. And everyone laughing and clapping. And another day Laura going Thing was even though he was in such a state and what my mum had said was true I think I stuck around because at least he was honest and stuff you get me. The others in the circle going Well done, Laura. Looking out at the leaves and the blossom on the trees and the birds on the sloping lawn. A police car coming up the driveway. And then someone asking for her. Someone talking about her dad. And what was he thinking then. Lying on his back with one hand reaching out behind him and the other scrabbling away at the floor. Tell us that. Will you tell us that. Looking up at the ceiling. And did his life. Flash before his eyes and all that or what. What was there to. Sitting in that chair all those. What was he thinking can you tell will you tell.