Joshua Cohen: Witz

one I pray in the other I’ll never step foot in you know business is business but if I should die before the debt’s paid that’s just my good luck I gave at the office I make a nice living hymn if all of you are here then who’s minding the store whatsa matter you kids never seen a Yenkee before schmaltz or matjes one of our boys made it from here it’s a local call because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call you ate three the hostess says but who’s counting then I figured the debate was over because he took out his lunch and so I took out mine okay okay alright already so bring me a piece pie nu better bring me an apple on a paper plate when it comes to my health the man’s saying nothing’s too expensive back home you could be sick on that money for three years they treat their help well but tsu feel ungepatchket because he didn’t want to be a doctor or lawyer that’s why at least I’d have a shirt better you should have bought a hundred dollar hat it might be Yom Kipper for you but it’s Simchat Torah in my pants I couldn’t walk for a year not bad for shlishi no but Rothschilds are what’s it to you if I keep on winning but if we pay him two rubles a week what will he have to worry about the Tsar doesn’t want just any ruble he wants your ruble and keep the Czar far away from us somebody has to buy retail but you have to understand it just doesn’t pay to cook for two people it wouldn’t hurt it’s not my heaven it’s her hell and to my brother-inlaw whom I made a promise to mention him in my will hello there Danny oy such a healthy man oy was I tired but the one thing is that it’s impossible to get red ink anywhere you got maybe another globe thanks Rabbi lately we’ve had so much room pregnant too what you mean a wart the assistant says it’s a hump nonsense says the shadchan who’d lend silverware to such thieves yes but do the dogs know that no but try and tell them that after you’re shot sh the fire’s not until Thursday I didn’t think it would rain I only trust my own watch because I’m also from Minsk from Pinsk I take all the money throw it up in the air and whatever God wants he keeps I deliver and so I’m here to tell you I’ll marry her for half that pig says the officer Mendelssohn the philosopher replies Doc listen the man says if you had my headaches I wouldn’t worry about them neither if I had his voice I’d sing just as well a Heifetz he’s not Ostropoler Rabinovich says we’ve been friends for years he’s the one with the yarmulke O the man says then puts his feet up on the seat again you’ll never guess who I had lunch with today our Rabbi’s so modest that if he eats it’s only to hide from others that he’s fasting isn’t it enough our Rabbi’s able to see all the way from Lemberg to Lublin well it’s a miracle here if our Rabbi does anything God asks of him tell me who told you that look why should we both tremble Barry look around you the sun’s shining we’re sitting around in our shirtsleeves the water’s blue calm tell me Barrele you call this winter you’re velcome oy you’ve gone and changed your name too sh he thinks we’re teaching him English I’d do a little teaching on the side the morning or the afternoon I can wait I just don’t like living in a place where they deliver mail at three in the morning whaddya want can’t she have one fault you needn’t lower your voice the shadchan says she’s deaf too listen the man replies who listens just because you’re having a bad month should I have one too I work so I can drink should I give up drinking so I can work what do you take us for a coupla goyim the difference between us is that I’m an apikoros and you’re a goy then the merchant wires back cancel order STOP can’t wait that long I don’t understand says the man if I’m broke I can’t eat strudel and if I have some money I shouldn’t eat strudel tell me then when I’m supposed to eat strudel you call this living this you call living what do you know from living no sometimes we switch aha what’s it to you if it doesn’t whistle I just put that in there to confuse you nu so it doesn’t sing two out of three ain’t bad you’re going to lose your hundred because I ain’t gonna dream of paying you back until the Day of Judgment we have three days to learn to live underwater schmuck I’m drowning nu so it’s not like a fountain welcome to America Shaun Ferguson he lived at home until he was thirtythree he went into his father’s business and his mother thought he was God I know that one too hey Yossi print one less doctor gave him another six months he just puts a sign on the door that says Closed for Business the Holidays sh don’t make trouble it could’ve happened to me but the suspicion remains what’s a bracha why disturb the Rabbi on a night like this better one of them should die than one of us Bernie great news your sister died the dead girl is one of us you’re Joseph Cohen I didn’t recognize you funny you don’t look who thinks he’s a nothing also Cohen it’s like this: my father was a Cohen and his father was a Cohen and his father before that was a Cohen it’s steady work

JOSHUA COHEN was born in 1980 in New Jersey. He is the author of five books, including the novels Cadenza for the Schneidermann Violin Concerto and A Heaven of Others . Cohen’s essays have appeared in the Forward, Tablet , the Believer , and Harper’s . He lives in Brooklyn.