Arna Hemenway - Elegy on Kinderklavier

Reckless, Sambul had decided, and stupid. As if the estate were the world. Sambul had been shocked more than anything at the swiftness of it all: three months, start to finish, from the day the man had come into their lives to the day he’d gone out. The one time Sambul found himself alone with Soren in those months of the remodel, Sambul still thinking about the conversation in the office, he’d shifted in the jeep’s seat, and said without looking at Soren, “Why — why are you trying so hard with the new guest?” And Soren had only smiled and sighed and looked at Sambul and, after a while, said, “It’s alright to still have, you know, a life.” To which Sambul had said nothing, only shook his head slightly, thinking, A life? Can you imagine? A life?

•

Now Sambul found Soren curled halfway into a fetal position on the carpet where the Indian had left him. Sambul had not waited to hear the sounds of the boy leaving the room, had instead slipped down the back stairs and outside for a cigarette. Upon his return, Sambul glanced through the space between the curtain and the doorframe and saw a sliver of Soren’s prone body, like someone had laid him there. Thinking he’d collapsed, Sambul rushed to him, only realizing once he was standing over him that Soren was still crying softly, dryly, a tiny wet spot of saliva staining the carpet near his mouth. It was as if his arms and torso had wanted to assume the inward-curled posture but his long, thin legs could not be convinced, and were splayed awkwardly, like two bent sticks. A small breeze sighed through the window. The wrapper from the condom skittered across the wooden floor in the next room.

Sambul spent the entire week shut up in Soren’s quarters with him. He slept when Soren did, which was extremely little, and the combination of the fatigue and the drawn curtains and shutters (Soren cried and recoiled at the intensity of even weak daylight) made the entire period seem like one never-ending day to Sambul. Soren allowed no one else inside. Sambul started off trying to keep him in bed, but the diarrhea (Soren too weak and the waste too watery for it to be controlled), combined with his retching, full-throated coughing made this impossible, and eventually they gave up and set up shop in the large bathroom itself, Soren lolling weakly in his fevers over the cool tile of the floor.

Because this stage of the sickness had happened in a very similar way the first time Soren had regressed after his return to the country, Sambul found himself watching what was happening with an uneasy detachment. His confusion the first time turned now to identification, his helpless noticing replaced by idle reflection. Here were Soren’s lips impossibly pale and bled of color. Here was the actual pool of liquid, of sweat, left beneath his fevered body when Sambul helped him up from the floor to the toilet. Here was the barking cough, the cough that seemed to come almost from Soren’s stomach, repeating and repeating but never producing anything except shallow wheezing, which itself soon gave way to the crazed, rapid breathing, like his lungs had suddenly shrunk to a child’s size. Certain areas around his mouth and feet and hands turned a graying blue so vivid during these episodes that it almost felt like a hallucination on Sambul’s part. There was not much Sambul could do except watch, except manhandle Soren’s body into the positions he needed to be in but could not ask for, except notice the invisible struggle that seemed to be playing itself out in the body before him. When Soren vomited it was a dark brown color, its acidic tang wafting, filling the entire bathroom. When his bowels evacuated, Soren was not even strong enough to hold himself upright on the toilet, and folded himself instead forward, arms wrapped under his knees.

Sambul had been trained by a nurse in Nairobi to carefully administer a simple IV of fluids, which he did, holding the bag high above Soren as he moved, trying to help him keep his arm straight so the needle would hurt less. Sambul also fetched when he could the steroidal medicine Soren had been given the first time this happened, retrieving it from the cabinet beside the small minifridge where they kept the more expensive medicine for his disease that had to be flown in.

This latter was the medicine that had been left unused, untaken, in the months after Peter Oprong died. First, Soren had returned to the country, installed the minifridge, and brought a doctor out from the American hospital in Nairobi to explain to Sambul the careful administration of the drug therapy. Then had come the renovations and Peter Oprong’s long visits. In the months after Sambul had guided Soren away from the grisly site in the square, Soren had seemed to give up. He became dramatic. In his grief he was reticent, staying away from the tour groups and instructing Sambul to stop counting out the pills from the containers in the minifridge. Once during this time, Soren made Sambul stop on a drive to a nearby town so that Soren could walk out and lie down in a field of soybeans as the wind pirouetted through their leaves. Another time Sambul witnessed Soren strip down, wade into the river, and float on his back for almost a mile, drifting serenely very close past the dangerous shapes of a family of hippos, a few small crocodiles twitching into the water in fear as he passed, the guides screaming at each other as he emerged, unscathed.

That time, in the pall after Peter Oprong’s death, when he’d stopped taking the medicine and gotten sick, it made some amount of sense. This is the end , Sambul had thought numbly, watching him sweat and fight for breath. But it hadn’t been. Against his will, Soren had gotten better. When he finally started taking the special drug therapy again, it was in resignation. For a while after that, Sambul had felt like they were living out some poorly played coda, but as Soren’s health kept steady, and then as it improved even more, the feeling had been forgotten. Soren had seemed unmistakably alive again. But it was different now.

This time the sickness broke on a Friday, in the hourless half-light of the dawn. During the previous night the violence of Soren’s sickness had subsided, and he’d slipped deep into a semicomatose calm. His breathing was so shallow it was nearly soundless, and several times Sambul startled awake at the quiet, making himself closely inspect the covers folded over Soren’s chest for movement, fearing that Soren had drifted away while unconscious, half-dreaming. Before first light Sambul, growing more and more worried, decided to wake him and was unable to. The best Soren could do was to halfway open his lids, barely tracking Sambul as he moved around him.

Sambul gathered Soren up from the bed in his arms and carried him back into the bathroom, where he gently undressed him. Sambul filled the bathtub and lowered Soren, his skin cool and clammy against Sambul’s forearms, into the warm water. It was clear, after Soren’s face slipped immediately below the water level, that this wouldn’t work. Without really thinking and without taking off his clothes, Sambul climbed into the tub, sliding himself behind and under Soren’s body so that he was propped up against Sambul’s chest, so that he rested in Sambul’s arms.

There was no excitement, no electricity storming Sambul’s skin at this full body press. It came to him as he lay there — Soren’s body warm against his chest, his hair wet and stringy as his head lolled back on Sambul’s shoulder — that this was more physical contact than they’d ever had, or at least, not since they were kids. The two men lay there like that for a long time, Soren dipping back into sleep, Sambul wide awake, thinking of the vague sense of disappointment he found in what this actually felt like, the lack of intimacy in the way Soren’s limbs splayed against his. What had he thought it would feel like? What had he thought all those others had felt, mistaking this invalid husk for a body? Soren was a light and wispy weight against Sambul’s chest and legs and lap. As he waited in the tepid water for dawn to fully break, Sambul closed his eyes and could barely feel him, simultaneously there and not there.