Arna Hemenway - Elegy on Kinderklavier

What has he imagined he’d think of, in this moment? All that most indulgent memory of private beauty, the jetsam of his thirty years blinking in the sunlight of this planet.

Abrams at twelve years old, on a trip to London, lost in the deserted financial district, when the clock hits noon exactly and suddenly the buildings burst with people, and he looks up, and all around him are men all wearing (thrilling, the coincidence) pastel shirts and ties, a shifting, towering forest of brightly-colored thoraces, Abrams overwhelmed with pleasure. Also as a boy, his mother calling him ABCD, instead of Abrams, for no good reason. Approaching a county fair’s carnival from a far field, the loopy, maniac music of the rides, the rich smell of funnel cake, it all reaching him before he can see anything but a sort of macula of light on the horizon. When he is older, a tour guide’s funny voice echoing around his visit of Pompeii. The grassy mountaintop campus in Sewanee, Tennessee. The shirt (long-sleeved, striped with a Creamsicle orange color) that his first girlfriend kept on the first time he ever had sex. Going to a local café late at night after a different girl’s volleyball games and drinking overly rich hot chocolate while eating artisanal pizza and pretending to be in Paris, or Rome, talking to each other about all the great sites they pretended to have seen that day. But also, the only perfect date he’s ever been on, much later, in Athens. They’d had gyros (the woman’s hair still wet from the shower) at a small corner restaurant in a very quiet neighborhood square, the dark face of the church at the square’s other end somber and still. Then they’d gone to an anonymous building, gone up the stairs to the top of it, to a rooftop showing of a terribly dubbed American movie on a screen just beside which, in the near distance, was the Acropolis, set ablaze in the sunset. At the intermission, they’d both bought strawberry-and-ices, and sipped them silently together back in their seats, in the warm night.

5.

What is he looking at? The maze of light made overhead by the high, mud-brick walls of the alley system. The aimless whorl of dust motes on the thick, slanted bar of brighter light in the intersection ahead. The synclinal area of darkened cloth at the back of the next man’s uniform, below the deeply umber, slickened skin of his neck.

And there in the very last glancing collision of thought in his mind’s eye, the realization: while the sole of his boot was there on the ground, a small system of trapped spaces must’ve formed in there between the rubberized nubbins and blocks, closed off by the sudden floor of earth beneath the boot. Closed off, a labyrinth with no entrance or middle or exit: a lightless maze. It is piercing to think of this miniature, lightless maze, enclosed by the fateful fall of his foot; a maze of darkness made of the once grand miniature landscape of Abrams’ obsessive attention, itself set within the momentary beauty of the maze of light made by the high walls of the alley. But just as soon as the image (or anti-image, as it were) is formed in Abrams’ awareness comes the hounding truth, the stomach-pit feeling of the truth: that the perfect maze of darkness within the maze of light only existed for the brief moment of the boot’s full contact; that Abrams himself has ruined it with his boot’s lifting progress; that it was ruined from that first moment of rising heel, which let in the light; that he has realized the truth about the maze within a maze just slightly too late to truly wonder at it; that it is all, in fact, already gone.

The man’s body was floating face down, slowly drifting counterclockwise in the clear water of the natural pool, his dark skin glistening as if newly splashed, like he might at any moment raise his face out of the water. Sambul and Soren perched on the low stone wall, watching his lazy circling and the deeper shimmer of green light as a turtle made its sudden glide from rock to rock beneath. Sambul watched Soren, the pool’s reflection filling the white man’s overlarge sunglasses as he crouched, kneading one hand with the other, and everyone waited for him to say what they should do.

Sambulru Moekena hadn’t been the one to discover the drowned man; instead, it had been Benny, one of the trackers, knocking nervously on Sambul’s door before first light, talking quickly about the thing he’d seen, or thought he’d seen, in the spring’s small reservoir. Sambul had asked Benny no questions, instead only waiting calmly until the sun was fully risen before going to see for himself. Standing there with nervous Benny beside him, the fog still swirling low in the brush, there hadn’t seemed to be any way Sambul could avoid going, upon his return to the compound, up to the great house and interrupting Soren at his breakfast. Soren, for his part, had seemed curious, almost excited by the prospect of such an anomaly, but now that they were there, in the presence of the body, Sambul recognized the old frustration in Soren’s posture: Soren’s annoyance with Sambul, the guides, and the world in general for presenting a problem that could not simply resolve itself.

Soren squatted on the lip of the crumbling wall surrounding the pool. He was looking up at the distant hills whence an errant British mortar shell had arced fifty years before, landing in this spot and leaving in its crater the revelation of the spring and its cool, pooling waters. Soren told Sambul once, in a jovial mood as they drove around the grounds of the preserve, that he’d always imagined the soldiers, far from home and country, had been drinking and suffered a crisis of faith when ordered to volley a last round into the native village below, turning their artillery instead to this vast stretch of flat red dirt and brush. Sambul could remember how they had laughed together, briefly, at the thought. It had now been a long time, though, since Soren had been in such a talkative mood. As if making up his mind, Soren sighed and dropped his gaze back to the body, speaking without turning to one of the guides.

“Can you bring him out?” he said, sounding very tired. “I need to see his hands.”

•

Sambul’s earliest memory of Soren Wheeler always began with the puzzle of light pieced above his head by the overlapping leaves of tea bushes as he ran crazily down the tunnels of their rows. Sambul was small enough — still no more than nine years old — to fit into the darkened miniature corridors formed by the hidden spaces between the rows of trunks, their dense tops, when viewed from the road, fitting seamlessly together in a carpet of waxy green. Running the rows was Sambul’s — and every other child’s on the tea concern — favorite thing to do, hilariously escaping the overanxious thrall of Mama Potol, the panicky woman assigned to look after the children while their mothers worked in the fields or the warehouse. The game was to slip off into the rows and race and race, exploding finally onto the dirt road that divided the fields, preferably when a group of people (sometimes foreigners, tourists or investors, but always white) was just passing by, giving them a scare before jetting across into the opposing row, howling with laughter at the pale gourds of their faces. It had been in the midst of this exact activity, in fact, that Sambul first encountered Soren Wheeler, when Sambul leapt from the rows, surprising a small family of white people, and Soren, himself only seven or eight, but taller, tried to follow as Sambul made his escape.

Though, of course, Sambul, now separated from the day by many long years, knew this was not really the first time he had encountered Soren, knew it could not have been, for when had Sambul ever seen such a thing as the impossibly white-blond hair trailing away from the other boy’s face as he gave chase — when had Sambul ever before even seen a white person so small? Yet his memory of watching (winded and perched in a tree at the far edge of the field) the very top of the boy’s blond head crashing through the row toward him was not one of surprise, or fear.