J. Donleavy - The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

"Coughing is all very well, my dear boy. That is all very well. One only hopes one finds a way out of this before it is too late. And Millicent pregnant. The matter lies with you rather than with us. For the moment anyway. I don't want to go on repeating myself, but what are your intentions towards our daughter."

"I have had good intentions."

"Continue."

"Yes I have had them. But I don't think I know really what to do with them. I know I'm not very good at making myself clear."

"We have until eight fifteen, so by all means continue."

"Well I don't know really, I happen to have had a fear of death."

"What on earth are you talking about. I want to know what your intentions are. And I won't leave this smoking room until I do. Then it will be quite clear to us what steps are to be taken to protect our daughter's interests."

"I only meant I was choking to death before. It's passed now. I have intentions."

"Yes, you have intentions."

"Yes I do."

"I see. Intentions to do what."

"Well I guess a lot of things."

"What lot of things."

"But I haven't done anything to Millicent."

"You haven't. Surely you must be joking. Stephen I think we had better reserve our rights and seek legal advice."

"O my God. Don't."

"Don't. Of course we shall."

"I'll marry maybe, if that is, I mean o my God, my trustees would have to approve.' "You'll marry maybe. O that's very nice to know. And also we can acquaint your trustees then fully."

"O God no. Please leave it to me."

"Well then. This perhaps is a little different. But you seem so sure Millicent will marry you."

"No I'm not."

"But you intend then to marry Millicent."

"I think maybe I do."

"You think. You'd better know."

"I know."

"I'm sorry to have to put matters like that. But one can't go on bantering and bandying."

"Yes. I'll marry Millicent."

"I hope you won't think for one second that either Milli-cent's father or I want you to marry Millicent if you would really prefer to worm away like a cad."

"O no. Not nice. A cad. Would you mind. I think I may require the use of a water closet. Thank you."

Balthazar rushing from the room. Across the lobby into the bar where he reached to grab his still waiting brandy as he passed. To feel the bowel beginning to move. As one rushed to get into these cool shadows and quickly lower drawers. No one has ever seen a kangaroo screw. Yet somehow I've been seen. And wasn't screwing. I could do worse. She's big and awfully stong with a lot of curves. Live with the constant fear of being beaten up by a woman in a fair fight. Beefy says without cash use courage and I'm without courage and can't use cash. And soon by the feel of it I'll have piles too. Chains winding round one with an eternal clank. Can't leap from the crapper here and go chasing so hopelessly after freedom. Only thing left now is to rest and ruminate without rusting. Be parsley sprinkled on everyone else's soup. The shadow's of her two nipples pressed against her beige silk. Her legs back and forth across the tennis court. The long tan muscles winking on her thighs. To catch a glimpse of her arse cheek as she wound up to serve. That's what I watched because she slammed so hard I couldn't see the ball. And her father seems to have two glass eyes. The Sunday I went to tea. Had a postage stamp of cucumber sandwich and declined a piece of cake. I agreed with everything they said to me. Given them such a headstart. They said with all Millicent's suitors the phone never stopped ringing. And her mother sighed when she said it would be such a rest when Millicent was finally engaged. And I wondered then how they ever knew my father had been connected with cement and wine, cars and pulp. How long I can hold out in here. Before Millicent's mother comes in and gets me. O my God. I am heartily sorry for myself. My ears are burning, they feel very red. They'll be searching my bag upstairs. Full of French letters. Must keep a grip. Millicent's breasts are multiplying right in front of my eyes. This is what one gets. Not staying home and reading the parish magazine. And Millicent's mother's eyes during the time she spoke to me, kept dipping and staring at my flies. And the words I was hearing. Have you any dirty habits you've come here with from abroad. For instance, the crabs. O my God. How can one ever be. Ideally suited for the world. And.

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The organ played, Balthazar B stood solemn and still. Mil-licent covered in white veils. A choir hired to sing. And all through the ceremony I needed desperately to pee. Listening through Millicenfs four Christian and one double barrelled names. Reeled off again and again. Millicent, Angelina, Consuelo, Trixie Butterworth Jones. Wilt thou have this man to thy wedded husband, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony. Beefy handed me the ring. With this ring I thee wed with my body I thee worship and with all my worldly goods I thee endow. And a little boy followed by his mother running up the center aisle between all the morning suits and ladies' hats and crinolines, shouting in his high pitched voice, mommie mommie I must do wee wee.

This tiny chap had big green innocent eyes. And while other folk drew in their breath I turned to smile at him. He was a sweet looking little fellow. And Beefy too reached to pat him soothingly on the head and whisper and point at where he could go, in his short trousers, brown tiny shoes and red little jumper.

A house had been rented for the reception. From people who it seemed paid their rent that way. Millicent's father had whispered and asked before the wedding if I were able to effect a discount on the wine and spirits. I was alarmed and later surprised when it turned out I could. Millicent's uncles crowded me in the corner. One trying to sell me a used car, another who would give me the opportunity as a new relative to heavily invest in his newly opened ironmongery shop. And Mr. Pleader said at our last conference that the sum demanded on behalf of one's fiancee as a marriage settlement was excessive. Beefy swept his way back and forth chatting gaily among the guests and made a splendid speech. He spoke of the bride's brilliance on the tennis court and said he knew her soup would be every bit as good as her serve. He gave me as a wedding present two cement cast replicas of the stray dog of long ago, little Soandso, for the front porch of Crescent Curve. Said they would scare away other dogs who would shit and make one skid on one's steps. And two gross of French letters got wholesale near Tottenham Court Road, beating the man down over the price until both were in an hysterical nervous sweat. Millicent smiled through everything. Even when Beefy after nudging numerous bridesmaids under the tit, waltzed up to her mother and slipped her one of his beatific gooses. She laughed delightedly as she disported tipsily explaining at length why I had no relatives.

The motor came, and changed and packed we piled in. The waving heads from the window. A last picture taken against a drain and bars of a fence. Beefy said Balthazar she is really beautiful but don't give her too much all at once. Wait till she likes it and then by God you can feed it to her like honey. She'll eat it and love it. He said the Violet Infanta was playing hard to get. But he was rogering items in between. He blew a kiss and said give my saucy regards to Dublin. And lastly yelling in the window as we pulled away. I won't be wiped out by the phenomenon of natural selection but shall triumph as the fittest with the fattest inheritance.

The train was delayed pulling out of Euston. A derailment, and widespread fog covering the Midlands. With smash and grab burglars emptying shop windows over the same area. Beefy said there is no criminal class as ready as the English to swing into action when the weather is ripe. Millicent wanted to know what was in the parcel Beefy gave me with such a smile. I said the first thing that came into my head, chewing gum. And when I looked and reflected on the two hundred and eighty eight condoms I was rather flattered. But a little mystified by the two dozen black ones found enclosed.