J. Donleavy - The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

"I didn't know you smoked."

" I haven't much done so before. As a matter of fact. Ill only be a moment."

Balthazar descending to the lobby. Crossing into the cozy oak panelled bar. The news of weather coming from the radio. A complex depression centered over England and moving west. Clouds and some showers are expected. Further outlook, rain moving east will cover all parts of southern England. And will not save me from melancholy and raving madness. As one steps to ask for a double brandy please. My God when will I ever become a man of the world. And put a noisy dirty lady sitting perched high on me spinning like a top, with her red hair waving and her light coloured shoes flying off against the walls. Perhaps it may happen after I have purchased my first cigar.

"May I have one please, that long one there."

"They're three and eight a piece, sir."

"That's very pricy but still I think I'll have one."

Balthazar B taking a sip of brandy and lighting his cigar. A little wooden bird behind the bar dipping and dipping into a jar. So hard to sit alone with one's thoughts now. After busting the beads. And chasing them all over the floor. Dear God when I think of the body of her. When all it needed was just to remain calm and look where one's hands were going. Up behind the hair. Get a newspaper now. And then one shall return. With some current topic of conversation. And have another try.

Balthazar B walked out across the lobby from the bar. To turn to look into the smoking room. The raised voices and opening front door and someone coming in. They say with cigars one doesn't inhale. You just go around puffing and stinking. No newspapers in the smoking room. Make an enquiry. Just wait till these two folk are served. Standing there 3i8 at the reception desk. Yes, right there, they stand in something familiar like a dream one had once somewhere and you think you're having it all over again. Because those two people, right there, in front of the open registration book. They look like the father and the mother of Millicent. And Fll just pass on now over here and wait. To stop. And turn again and look. My God. That is the mother and father of Millicent.

Balthazar B stood frozen thinly on the red tiled floor in his grey double breasted pin stripe suit. A silk shirt tiny knotted at the collar by a black silk tie with a three legged emblem sprinkled on it like stars. Millicent's mother and father turning as one, as the landlady pointed her finger right at me. And I took a deep intake of cigar. The smoke filling out my jowls and stacked and packed down my throat. To all explode at once. And send me staggering forward in a fit of coughing as these three folk watched. And two of them caught their breath. And two of them began to approach.

Balthazar B looking out from uncontrollably rolling eyes, gasping and speechless. The tints and hues of Millicent's mother somewhere near. And for no accountable reason one thinks of that distasteful English habit of wetting the finger and putting it in one's companion's ear. As Millicent's mother now points with her own finger towards the smoking room. Which one can hardly see. But follow this way. Beefy always ran to elderly blind old age pensioners to lead them safely across the street and have a joke with them on the way. As I step quite sordidly across into a blaze of socially ostracised eternity. Beefy always warned. Of what the English so expertly do. Is to take one's composure utterly away. Mine is gone. Left with only my green colour changing to alabaster white.

"As Millicent's mother I am shocked more than I can say. In fact Stephen please, would you order me a whisky, double. No need to go into why we're here, the fact is we are. And have seen the register with our own eyes. I am absolutely aghast and surprised at you. Certainly one never expected someone to whom the hospitality of one's own house has been offered to stoop as low as this. One can only ask now have we come upon this too late."

"No no you haven't."

"Where may I ask is Millicent."

"She's upstairs."

"I see. Poor girl. Taken to a place like this. Of all things. A hotel on a river. Is there an explanation. Or are you taking this matter casually."

"No madam. I'm not."

"Why aren't you speaking up. Or do you suppose more subterfuge will help. As since when is Crescent Curve suddenly in Mayfair. Or is the truth that you have deliberately taken my daughter here with the intention of ravishing her."

"No no I didn't."

"You didn't. You didn't ravish her. Is that what you're saying. With my daughter up there in the same bedroom, registered as Mrs. Balthazar B. You haven't ravished her."

"I know that my redeemer liveth."

"You what."

"Fm sorry. I don't know what I'm saying."

"That's very apparent. As is also that you don't deny abducting my daughter."

"I haven't done anything. Her pearls fell on the floor."

"Her pearls. O my God. Stephen. Did you hear. She had to fight for her honour. O my God thank you, I need that whisky. Millicent had to fight. It came to that. Her pearls strewn everywhere in the struggle. I must go to her."

"No no, they just fell apart."

"Fell apart. As you used force. On my daughter."

"Your daughter is much stronger than I am."

"O my heavenly God. In just one moment I think I shall get completely hysterical. Stephen go please and close that door. This could lead to scandal. Front page of every paper in Europe. My daughter forced to submit."

"Please I only weigh ten stone two. And your daughter Millicent weighs ten stone four."

"As if her weight mattered. At a time like this. And what may I ask are your intentions."

"Well I suppose to leave. As soon as possible.' "Leave. You mean walk out. Just like that. Millicent was presented at Court. She was outstanding as one of the leading debutantes of the season. And you, you're going to leave. Have you no scruples."

"Well Fm not awfully well at this moment. But perhaps later."

"Later. My husband Stephen here is in the motor trade. Some of our best friends pass on this very road outside. Not more than a few yards from the bedroom to which you dragged our daughter. How is she now going to confront some honourable gentleman who will hear of these heinous hours spent here in this place. Are you aware that she is in receipt of a written proposal from a peer of the realm."

"Fm sorry, I didn't know."

"Well she is. And that may be now ruined forever. One hopes one does not have to resort to sordid measures. But in the circumstances I have no alternative but to ask you. What are your intentions towards our daughter. Availing yourself as you so obviously have of the prerogatives of the marriage chamber. Can you answer me that."

Balthazar B his hands placed neatly palms down flat on each thigh. Stephen pretended to look out on the river. And I face these eyes accusingly glued to me as I sneak away cowering into the Austrian Alps and there am seen peeing on a defenceless mountain flower. Sitting here nearly waiting for one's second childhood to play games missed in the first. Without an erotic hope in one's future. Only antique collecting left to give one a sense of longevity. As the desperations come. When Beefy planned his ad in The Times. Gentleman of razor thin means, bachelor with own dog and gun, suffering slight nervous disability, glad to undertake light administrative work or, in clement weather, prepared to give time tending rose garden in return for congenial permanent accommodation where servants kept. While the present advertiser suffers some slight psychological impairment he is fluent in Urdu. Beefy what do I do. As I struggle heavy footed. Dying amid flashes of sunny memories. When Bella once sat, a picture of a funny little car she said was hers, and I laughed when I heard her say her car was not well, it had been long ailing, so she took it to the car doctor for a little bit of hammering and a little bit of fixing and a little bit of oil and the car doctor gave it medicine and it coughed.