J. Donleavy - The Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman

Like the

Whole world’s

Population was

Pushing

‘Now perhaps that has made you feel better. I do feel it was necessary. You do understand what I mean. Don’t you.’

‘Yes.’

‘Alright now. Are you alright.’

‘Yes.’

‘You look rather pale. And please don’t look at me like that. You do suddenly make me feel quite embarrassed.’

‘I rather don’t feel too good as a matter of fact.’

‘Perhaps you’d like me to stop. Or shall I do one quick one. Using a cerulean and pink wash. Catch you full frontal. You have no idea how exciting this is. You simply can’t know.’

‘Can I go home.’

‘You don’t want to go right now, do you. Just when I’m going to enunciate especially your nice swirling little curls just above your penis. O dear me. You little rogue. Despite your not feeling well, you are erecting again. You’re simply exasperating. Well there is nothing for it. If you refuse to cooperate then I’m going to bed. Do you refuse to cooperate. Do you.’

‘I have tried just as hard as I can.’

‘Well your trying hard it appears simply hasn’t made it soft enough. Will you blow out the candles dear boy. And put some more turf into the stove. Rotten old spongy stuff wet as it is burns so quickly, it will have me near penniless.’

‘What about my cocoa.’

‘O god, you’re not really asking for it are you.’

‘I would rather like some, and thank you very ecstatically much.’

‘Well you very ecstatically can’t. I have just enough milk for tea in the morning.’

‘Isn’t it rather rude to invite someone to have something that you have not got.’

‘Don’t make silly remarks like that. You are an imperialist, you get lots of cocoa. And I’m getting in where it’s warm and cosy.’

Darcy Dancer shivering. Stepping down off the dais. Reaching towards his clothes draped over an orange crate. Quite wretched when people aren’t possessed of the rudiments of hospitality. Uncle Willie said an Englishman would serve you the leather off his old boots if he thought you wouldn’t use too much gravy on it.

‘I think I shall dress and go. Please, if you don’t mind, would you direct me back to the Shelbourne.’

‘I hope I’m not frightening you away. You may certainly if you like come and get into bed with me. Shall I give you some gin. But only a smidgen. I have just this little bit.’

‘You do not I assure you, frighten me. I’ve met your sort before.’

‘My sort.’

‘Yes your sort.’

‘What sort is that. Do please tell me.’

‘Ladies who think that by merely divesting themselves of their clothing and then behaving in an extraordinary fashion and using vulgar postures and language do then think that a gentleman will oblige them by entering their beds.’

‘You little cheeky bastard you. I think perhaps you’d better go back to the Shelbourne then.’

‘I shall certainly.’

‘Do.’

‘Yes, well I am. I’m just getting dressed and would like to use your convenience if you don’t mind.’

‘As my lavatory is broken, I’m afraid you’ll just have to pee in my sink.’

‘That’s a disgusting suggestion.’

‘Then don’t pee dear boy.’

Darcy Dancer crossing to the stack of dishes. Staring into the tea leaves, bacon rinds and the whitened crusts of grease. Pissing now where she spat. And I yet may vomit. With my quite ungentlemanly behaviour one is enforced to display. Nurse Ruby once beat me for pissing out the whim room window and down on Crooks who slapped at the drops as he stood shaking a pony skin rug on the front steps. She got into such a state of excitableness when she caught me doubled up with laughter. And my goodness if she could see me now. Cascading my urine in this way. Only I know it is essential that I acquaint myself with the seamier sides of town life. And at least wash some of this muck down the drain.

‘Did you do a good little wee wee like a good little boy.’

‘I did as a matter of fact.’

‘And now you’re going.’

‘Yes. I am. Goodbye.’

‘Don’t go. Wait.’

‘Why.’

‘Well I adore to corrupt totally innocent little boys.’

‘Madam I think that a most disagreeable occupation.’

‘O do you now. You speak as a mature imperialist I suppose. In your woolly vest.’

‘Yes I do. You ought to concern yourself with more profound things. If, as I think you may mean by corrupt that you hope to make me putrid rotten and defiled.’

‘I hope to make you no such thing you haughty little boy. Unless you regard your own body as putrid rotten and defiled. I’m presuming of course you find me attractive. I may not be exactly what every man may find beautiful. But in this wretched country, I assure you, I rank easily among the more desirable of creatures. I suppose where you come from you are up sheep most of the time. Well. Are you.’

‘You are rude to say that. We do not among the gentry cohabit with sheep. Only peasant bachelor farmers do that.’

‘How quaint. And what else do bachelor peasant farmers do in this filthy disgusting awful country where the people are so entirely treacherous.’

‘Why are you here then madam.’

‘Because I did not think there was any reason why I should be splattered to smithereens by being blown up by bombs in London dear boy. But of course some Irish I find quite charming. The majority, however, are simply steeped in crut. I mean good lord, they ought to be glad a civilized country like England has dominated them for so long.’

‘You have not dominated us, madam. We have fought you.’

‘Good Lord that doesn’t sound like an imperialist speaking.’

‘Well I’m not one all the time. That would only be dull and boring.’

‘And pray tell dear boy what do you propose to be in the future. And you can stop putting on your shoes you know, you don’t have to go.’

‘It’s quite past my bedtime.’

‘You’ve your whole life to go to bed on time. Indeed here you are. A bed. Get in.’

‘Well thank you. It’s not that I am unappreciative.’

‘I find you awfully haughty. But quite interesting. At least you can stay and talk awhile. The Shelbourne Hotel isn’t going to run away. And I’d just love to know what your aspirations are.’

‘You may not think them edifying.’

‘I am absolutely quite sure I won’t dear boy.’

‘Well. I should like to continue to be the owner of a large estate as I am now. Although I would prefer if it had many minions indeed to keep the gardens properly in order. And highly respectful old servants. Those who would go about their duties in an efficient way. And not always bother me with nuisances. Then I should like to travel on steamers to far off places and bring back trophies like the feared water buffalo to my trophy room. There in front of the evening fire I would after dinner write accounts of my travels in my journal. And Crooks, my present man would bring me port.’

‘Is that all.’

‘Yes I think that’s all. Aside of course from perhaps attending upon some agricultural duties.’

‘Holy Christ almighty, young man, is that how you live now.’

‘Yes it is rather. But are you suggesting I expect too much.’

‘Dear boy, as one who has socialist sympathies I most certainly think you expect too much. Don’t you know the entire earth is, and has been in upheaval, turmoil, war and revolution.’

‘I don’t see what, in the least, that has to do with me.’

‘Well to say the least, dear boy, you are detached. And clearly an isolationist as well as an imperialist.’

‘Isolationist sounds like one of those wretched American words.’