J. Donleavy - The Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman

Darcy Dancer toying with his buttons in the candlelight. Lois’s underwear hanging down over her trousers as she pulls open a drawer and takes out two tapers and lights them by the candle. Now quite brazenly she’s pulling down her gentleman’s trousers and peeling off her white long woolly underwear. Sinewy long tapering legs. Shiny white shapely and smooth. Her reptile like mouth. Tongue shooting out and licking all over her lips. Like a film Uncle Willie had taken me to once in the town. When a great long black snake came out from behind a rock and a woman charmed it with holy water and kissed it. All the catholics in the audience clapped and cheered. Uncle Willie said under his breath. What awful shit. Show her I can take off my clothes too. Only I have a really wretched hole in my underwear. Which is not in the least imperial. Mr Arland is really going to wonder where on earth I am now. And as I’m nearly without my clothes he’d have a further fit if he knew. This may well serve me as experience for the future. When I may in regalia have to stand for long hours having my portrait painted. Especially with this creature with her brushes in one hand and sketching pad in another, waggingly gyrating her bosoms in a dance. Women lately are always trying to do this to me. Make me naked and nervous. When I’d prefer to be normal and ordinary. The thumping of my heart on my bare chest. And worse, she’ll see my penis sticking up at the skylight. Maybe make her faint backwards and go down again in the bottles, or crashing stark naked among her easels and tubes of paint. With bunches of brushes falling on her and sticking up out of her ears and arse maybe. Might even loosen up her bowels.

‘That’s very good. Climb up now on the dais. I shall do some very swift ink and colour washes of you. Yes, just stand there. Straight, with the left leg flexed just that little bit. And stick it out. No not that. It’s not what I’m referring to at all. Although, it is a quite adequate one, if I may say so. It’s your arse I refer to. Your right cheek. Yes. Tense it. Yes that’s it. Now I’m afraid that that must subside. You have an erection. It simply won’t do. It’s contrary to the whole flow of line. Please make it go down.’

‘I can’t, I don’t know how.’

‘You simply must learn to control yourself. If we’re to do any serious work at all. I know my body may excite you. But don’t let it.’

‘I’m trying not to let it madam.’

‘Surely if you are so good at staring matches you can learn that discipline at least.’

‘I don’t think I can. No one has ever asked me to do this before.’

‘Well I’m asking you now. So please make an effort. Ignore my nakedness. Think of something which is non stimulating. Look at my cat Fergus there. If he stimulates you, neutered as the poor creature is, you are then really evil minded. Commerce is the only really obscene thing. But dear boy for you to get an erection just as I am about to make masterpieces is an insult to the whole creative concept.’

‘This kind of art is new to me.’

‘Well let’s hope you’re learning something then. Ah yes, that’s a good boy, I see it is going down. That’s very good. Very good. Now just hold it like that. There’s a real pet. O you are being very jolly good.’

‘Thank you madam.’

‘Alright now. I’m nearly there. If you would only just subside it that little bit more. O drat. It’s going up again. You’re ruining the whole line.’

‘Well madam when you start to talk about it, it seems right away to go up again.’

‘Well damn it, make it go down. Just look around you. And I hope to god you’re not homosexually inclined. See. All those other nice calm penises. I was nude in front of them too. And yet not one of them erected. Don’t you think if they were able to do it. That you too can. Try.’

‘Yes. I shall.’

‘I suppose you think I’m eccentric.’

‘No.’

‘Well I am. I have long ago forsaken all things bourgeois. Ah now, you are trying. It’s coming down nicely. Don’t shift your leg like that.’

‘It itches me madam.’

‘I work in instantaneous strokes. Your moving faults the tension of the line. Of course nobody understands. I love the way your foreskin comes down over your penis like the closed petals of a flower. Imagine that they cut such a beautiful thing off in the silly interests of hygiene. And o god, there you go, up again.’

‘Well it’s you madam drawing my attention to it every time when you say things like that.’

‘Well there’s simply nothing else for it. I shall just have to put down my brushes and wank you off then. That’s all there is to it. Or else I simply can’t go on. Or do you have an objection.’

‘I guess not madam if it furthers the cause of art.’

‘You are a rather clever little one, you know. Far more astute than you let on. Got the touch of the devil about you. But please don’t take this as an overture. Or assume for one second that one is enjoying having to do this. What are those bruises on your neck.’

‘O nothing.’

‘And while I’m doing this you’re not to touch me.’

‘I wasn’t intending to.’

‘Well, just in case you might think of doing so I’m telling you to keep your hands to yourself if you don’t mind. My goodness I can see you really are jolly well erected aren’t you. And quite considerably endowed. A pity it ruins the line. And such nicely ripened testicles too. It’s the imbalance created by the blatantly horizontal I can’t stand. That’s where art stops and obscenity begins. When something juts out like this. I’m not being too ungentle am I.’

‘O no you’re fine.’

‘And please, if you don’t mind, warn me when you’re ejaculating. I’d prefer to swallow it, rather than have it go all over my floor. Dirty filthy as it already may be. Stale sperm can make such an awful smell.’

‘I wish madam you wouldn’t go on talking while we’re doing this.’

‘Well I’m not making love to you you know. Be sure of that.’

‘Yes I am and thank you.’

‘For god’s sake don’t thank me. And since we are rather getting to know one another better don’t you think it’s time you called me by my christian name at least. If you don’t like Lois, my second christian name is Euphemia. And I do hope you’re not going to be a long time coming. It’s quite tiring on the arm.’

Lois with flecks of dandruff in the hair parting mid way down her scalp. The streaks of blonde and brown and the wiry strands of grey all drawn back and a brown shoelace tying up a plaited pigtail wound in a bun at the back of her head. From which a bit of blue ribbon hangs down. Get nearly killed going to a bog to learn about life. And now I am getting very first hand information in this grown up lady’s studio with my prick being pulled by her hand. If poor old Foxy could see me now. Up here on exhibition. Like the time he told me of the titled lady judge who went squeezing all the balls of all bulls at the fair. Her hands are strong. Stroking in long gentle strokes. Then stops to say she’s not making love to me. Uses four fingers and her thumb underneath. Certainly an improper grip for milking a cow. Send the milk missing the pail. And I could go gushing all over her face. And Mr Arland’s face was quite flushed in the company of the courtesan. Kept referring to the Count’s party as a bash. And even as he was getting quite tipsy, said we’ll have a bash at that bash. And then as we got round one corner he said even before I pushed him, ‘Let’s bash on regardless.’ Dublin so dark dreary and dank. One has got to be rich. Or be hungry like this woman. Who was as we walked here, popping chunks of butterscotch in her mouth. Without offering me a piece. And who now as I try not to groan, is eating me. Could take it into her head to murder me by biting it. Foxy said you fast bleed to death. Be twitching around on this floor knocking over more of her bottles in my death throes. And who now would care, or be torn with sadness. Or light up torches for my funeral. Or beat drums. Or lay me to dusty rest in the vaults of the Thormonds. Please god even though I am an atheist protestant take care of my sisters. Send Sexton to heaven where he so dearly wants to go. And where he hopes to have his first rest from his long lifetime of religious duty. Tending roses and kneeling at the feet of his adored Blessed Virgin Mother. Over the garden wall I once heard him say to Crooks that never once did his prick ever trouble his conscience, as it did many the blackguard he knew. And Crooks said that when he was active his own prick sure troubled a lot of sheep. And he told him of the farmer across the lake who kept devout and unsoiled by women but that in this holy state he wore nearly all the wool off the arses of his ewes. And Sexton said at least it wasn’t as bad as having a woman with her gab wear all the flesh off your ears. For the sake of art I am sucked. Pleasure coming just like one waits for pain to strike. When the town dentist with his evil looking instruments was looming all over me, his smile widening as he descended upon my mouth and plunged his drill whirring into my tooth. I must soon say goodnight. And get me out of here. This lady’s breathing comes strongly down her nose and right at this moment she’s in a complete frenzy as my head goes back hollering. Pump my personality into her. Loosen her bowels. As she is bent forward bosoms hanging from her chest, nude all the way down to her pair of white shoes. Stopped holding her hand over her mouth. And rather sloping in her quarters. She goes rushing to spit in the sink. With the knobs of her spine showing down her back. Her bottom trembling, she looked so foolish heading across the floor.