Irvine Welsh - Skagboys

‘ Brilliant. You’re a sick cunt, but a fucking genius. What did she say? How did she respond? ’

You could see him bridling back some indignation, deciding to simply take the praise. ‘She was flustered, so I steamed in. “I’d really like to see you outside, once this is all over,” I told her. “I appreciate that you may have a partner, perhaps even be in a committed relationship …” she kept her pus straight, but I read it like she wisnae getting a length, “… I’m talking about as a friend, to have a coffee and a chat. That’s all I can ask at this stage .”

‘ So she looks at me that inscrutable way and says, “You’re a very young man, Simon …”

‘“ And you’re a young woman,” I hit back .

‘ At that point I sensed she was fighting back a girly blush, but she said, trying to be that urbane way, “I think I’m considerably older than you imagine .”

‘“ Funny … I put us at around the same age,” I told her. “Obviously, with your qualifications, you must be maybe one or two years older than me … but this is all irrelevant .”

‘“ Yes,” the frosty hoor went right on the counter-attack, “it certainly is. What is relevant is that our working relationship has been compromised. I’ll arrange for you to go back to Tom for your one-on-one counselling .”

‘ Fuckin hell, I could feel myself panicking big time as I tried to talk her roond, “I just don’t relate to him like I do you.” Ken what she sais? ’

‘ Nup. What? ’

‘“ It’s how you’re relating that’s the issue.” And she wouldnae discuss it further .’

Once again, he sat up most of the night talking in an even monologue, almost all of it self-justifying bullshit. After a while, I couldnae pick oot a word he wis saying, but the weird thing was that I didnae want him tae go now, as his voice wis oddly relaxing, and it wis helping me drift off. But the fucker snapped his fingers in my face a couple of times so I telt the cunt tae get tae fuck. But as soon as he left, I was wide awake again .

Day 28

How long does it have tae fuckin rain ootside? It seems tae have been pishin doon with nae respite since I got here. How long can you feast your eyes on the scrawny limbs of the trees, watching birds drop out of the sky? Looking out at the shadowy overhang, reproaching yourself for living badly?

Depressed as fuck. Feeling like Neil Armstrong, walking around in a heavy spacesuit, a layer of ay steamed-up glass between masel and the rest of ay the universe. I’d be happier on the moon. Armstrong, Aldrin — and the third poor bastard that no cunt kens, him who went all that way and never got tae step outside the command module — you wonder why they bothered coming back .

Day 30

Breakfast: Porridge, toast, tea .

Meditation: A shaky, ill-constructed, frustrating wank in my room .

Process group: Molly being passive-aggressive to Audrey, making her deliberately uncomfortable by trying to force her into opening up. ‘It makes me sad when ye jist sit thaire sayin nuthin, Audrey, cause ah feel you’ve a lot tae offer the group n we’re no seein that right now. It also makes me feel isolated as ah’m the only lassie speakin up in the group .’

Auds sits chomping intae the skin around her nails. No comment .

Tom nodding slowly, then regarding Audrey, ‘Audrey, how does that make you feel? ’

Audrey turning to him, and saying, in an even voice, ‘Ah’ll talk when I want tae talk, no when it suits other people.’ Then she looks at Molly wi steel in her eyes. Molly’s as shocked as the rest ay us, visibly backing doon, shrinking intae her chair. So barry to witness!

AUDREY RULES!

Substance dependency group session: Molly Bloom, after her psychic mauling from Auds, has come back out punching at the patriarchy. It’s old adversaries Seeker and Swanney that she has in her sights. ‘How can they be part ay this group if they’re dealers? If they make thair money by supporting people’s addiction, sorry,’ she looks at Tom, ‘substance dependency? Ah cannae see it. Ah jist dinnae git it .’

They sit back impassively enjoying her anger. But I’m a tad miffed at her constant criticism of oor muckers on the supply side. Where would we be without them? There’s a scary thought! Skag, skag, skag, how we loved it; that pure, white shite we’d cop for wi such enthusiasm doon at Johnny’s. He called it China White, but this shit had never seen the Orient n it wis an open secret it came fae a lot closer tae hame. For me it was love at first bang, marriage at first chase. Aye, ah love ma skag. Life should be like it is when you’re skagged up. ‘Maybe the point is that we all support addiction in our own ways,’ I venture, suddenly scared ay how much I sound like Tom .

The man himself speculates, ‘Is that not the nature of the disease? ’

‘ It’s not a disease .’

‘ Okay, condition,’ he does that inverted-commas-wi-the fingers thing, ‘if that makes people feel more comfortable.’ He looks around the shoulder-jolting sea of call-it-what-the-fuck-ye-like faces. ‘We don’t operate on a strictly medical model of addic — substance dependency,’ Tom concedes, and I can’t help a triumphant swagger in the chair as the ooohs go round the stadium at this faux pas .

Great pro that he is, Brian, I think the lad Curzon will be as upset as anyone by that enforced error.

Individual counselling: Felt crap and said nothing ‘of significance’. Then Tom asked me about my relationships. I felt too uncomfortable talking about my family, or Fiona or Hazel, so I mostly rabbited on about Charlene, describing her as ‘the love of my life’. He seemed only mildly perturbed when I told him she was a professional shoplifter .

‘ What did you love about her? ’

‘ Her hair. It was amazing, a real force ay nature. She had a barry erse n aw .’

‘ What aspects of her personality appealed to you? ’

‘ I liked her professionalism. How she could spot a store detective easily. They were generally male, thirty-five to forty-five and, in body-language terms, looked like amateur shoplifters. In between pretending to scrutinise goods, they glanced at shoppers; judging clothing, then searching faces and watching hands. Simply dressing well took you off the radar of around 80 per cent of them. All eyes would be on the shell suits or the scheme labels. An Adidas crest on a garment always set off alerts. Charlene’s chorrie bag usually had a badminton racket sticking ootay it, tae convey a sporty and thus wholesome image. She wore great make-up when she went out to thieve; it shot her right up the social ladder fae Thames Estuary estate tae Young Conservative. Wisnae much impressed by ma clobber, though. “You look like a junky shoplifter, Mark,” she’d tell me .’

I watched the muscles in Tom’s visage slowly slacken and droop .

Journal Entry: Insight into my condition

I accept that I’m somehow, and for some obscure, pervasive reason, doing this stuff with heroin to myself. I’m not going along with all that powerless loser shite that it’s a disease .

IS IT FUCK A DISEASE.

I’ve done this to myself. I could be anticipating graduating from university, or perhaps getting engaged tae a beautiful girl. Aye, I could go on about addiction as an ailment, absorb myself in the medical model, but now that I’ve detoxed, I’m officially no longer physically addicted to heroin. Yet at present I crave it more than ever; the whole social thing; copping, cooking, banging up and hanging out with other fucked-up ghosts. Shuffling around at night like a vampire, heading for grubby flats in run-down parts of the city, tae talk shite with other deranged, unstable losers. How can I sanely prefer that sort of activity to being with — making love to — a sweet girl, going to a film, or a gig, or having a few beers and heading to the footballFITBA FITBA FUCKIN FITBA with my mates? But I do. The psychological dependency is stronger than ever. It’s wrecking my life, but I need it .