Irvine Welsh - Skagboys

Another disappointment for Tom (what a fucked-up trade he’s in!), and the meeting ended after the usual shoulder-shrugging, nail-biting, crap jokes and virtuous platitudes .

Sick Boy and me had a wee idea, so I asked Tom if we could use the electric typewriter in the office. ‘Ah’m ready tae start on the writin, but ma handwritin’s that bad, ah need tae use the typewriter .’

‘ Of course!’ he said, nipples doubtlessly rock hard at the prospect of a juicy wee self-disclosure feast. ‘Feel free. I’ll see that you aren’t disturbed! ’

Feel free.

Poor Tom, the journal and diary will never come to light, but I’d led the cunt to believe that some sort of breakthrough was imminent. The fact is that, encouraged by Sick Boy, I’d decided tae get my ain back on the Currans, my old neighbours fae the Fort, for causing that scene at Wee Davie’s funeral and generally casting aspersions on the clan Renton. I got out the sheets ay Council Housing Department notepaper procured fae Norrie Moyes. I got Sick Boy tae help me compose the letter, his trusty Collins dictionary on his lap .

City of Edinburgh District Council Housing Department

Waterloo Place, Edinburgh

Tel: 031 225 2468

Director: J. M. Gibson

Mr and Mrs Oliver Curran

D 104 Fort House

Leith

Edinburgh EH6 4HR

25 March 1985

Dear Mr and Mrs Curran,

THE NEIGHBOURHOOD UNITED TENANCY SCHEME

As you may well be aware, the central government policy of promoting the sale of council housing has led to a decline in Edinburgh District Council’s levels of housing stock, most markedly in the higher amenity properties. This obviously has an adverse impact upon our ability to discharge our housing obligations to all our citizens in need.

In response to this and in keeping with our commitment to equal opportunities and fostering a multicultural Edinburgh, the council has developed an innovative progamme known as the Neighbourhood United Tenancy Scheme (N.U.T.S.). This scheme seeks to integrate homeless families into current housing provision (with special points for ethnic minority families) and follows a needs-based and city-wide inventory of our existing housing stock.

It has come to our attention that your daughter has recently married and moved out of your three-bedroom apartment tenancy at the above address.

Please note that as of Monday, 15 April 1985, this room will now be allocated to Mr and Mrs Ranjeet Patel.

The kitchen and living-room facilities will initially continue to be solely for your personal use as cooking and refrigeration equipment is to be installed in the room allocated to the new family. Please note, however, that this is subject to review. You will, of course, be expected to share toileting facilities with Mr and Mrs Patel, their children and elderly parents.

In order to facilitate a smooth and effective transition to N.U.T.S., the council are, in partnership with the Lothian Education Department, running classes at a centre near you, on basic Bengali language and culture, which, under the conditions of your tenancy agreement, you are expected to attend. This comes under the banner of Cultural Unification for New Tenants Scheme. You will be notified of the dates and venue of these classes shortly.

You have three working days to appeal against this ruling. To do so, please contact Mr Matthew Higgins at the above number on extension 2065, quoting reference: D104 FORT/CURRAN/CUNTS.

Thanking you in advance for your cooperation regarding this matter and I look forward to working with yourselves and other tenants in the area to ensure the success of this exciting and innovative project.

Yours sincerely

J.M. Gibson

J.M. Gibson

Director of Housing

The contact guy, Higgins, was a supervisor in another section. Norrie hates him, so we were doing him a favour as well. We finished and were laughing our heids off. Attracted by our vociferous frivolity, Skinny-Specky and Tom came in, the latter asking, ‘What’s going on? ’

‘ Just doing the journals, like you says .’

‘ I didn’t realise it would all be quite so amusing …’

‘ It has its lighter elements,’ Sick Boy said, arching a Roger Moore eyebrow at Skinny-Specky Amelia .

‘ Good, we could use some appropriate levity at the group meeting,’ Tom said urbanely, and Skinny-Specky shot him one of those admiring groupie I’ll-gam-ye-right-now looks .

Day 27

My puckish diversions with Sick Boy unfortunately meant that I now had to knuckle down and knock out something for Tom. So last night I stayed up writing, looking out into the moonlight filtering through the thin trees into the walled garden. The old stone wall tells you that an ancient house was probably sited here, most likely a grand villa, before being torn down to put up this fucking ugly, utilitarian construction .

But with this pen and blank notepad, just looking outside, I’ve never felt so focused or alive. I came close when I was writing essays at the uni, but this is different. Instead ay building facts tae develop, challenge, then ultimately sustain a hypothesis, writing freestyle subjective stuff in ma journal makes me feel I’m getting closer tae some sort of veracity. By writing, you can use your own experience but detach it from yourself. You nail certain truths. You make up others. The incidents you invent clarify and explain as much as, sometimes more than, the ones that actually occurred .

Then I’m back to Ulysses. If I get through this shite, it’s all down to Jimmy J; it’s great tae lock intae his Dublin. I’ll go ower thaire and check it oot one day .

When I eventually fell into a sleep Sick Boy woke me up — cunt never seems to kip — only to tell me that he’s been kicked off the one-on-ones with Skinny-Specky and now has to work with Tom again. That he ain’t too happy is an understatement. ‘She said that I was behaving inappropriately. Of course, she’s just scared her ice-maiden front will slip. Just because I telt her straight: “I need to be honest, Amelia. We have a problem. I’ve developed strong feelings towards you.” Of course, she immediately goes, “This is inappropriate.” Fuck me, she’s like a Dalek. IN-A-PROP-REE-ATE … IN-A-PROP-REE-ATE —’

‘ Fuck sake, Williamson, ah’m cream crackered here. Ah’ve just goat oaf intae nodland. Can this no wait till the morn? ’

I might as well have been talking tae masel .

‘ So I sais tae her, “You can’t tell me to express my feelings, then start hiding behind roles whenever I do. It can’t be me putting up barriers, then you setting boundaries when it suits your purposes; that just reeks of hypocrisy. It’s fundamentally dishonest.” Well, you could tell that goat it right fuckin up her .’

In spite ay ma exhaustion, I wis getting interested. ‘What did she say? ’

‘ Oh, the usual pish: went on about how she was here tae help enable my rehabilitation, and it was me who was being dishonest and manipulative — ye ken how they try and twist things. Said I should explore why I can’t relate to a woman in any way other than a sexual one .’

I tried to keep a straight face. ‘What did you say? ’

‘ I told her: who mentioned sex? That I wisnae trying tae cynically seduce her and was frankly offended at the inference. I agreed it would be completely inappropriate for us to have anything other than a client/practitioner relationship in here; that would undermine both my recovery and her position at this facility, and I respected her too much to do that. That I was only mentioning those feelings to try and get some transparency into what could be a tricky situation. That put her right on the back foot .’