Nicola Barker - Small Holdings

And I didn’t know much about Stevie except that she lived with her aunt and dressed like a little girl when she was old and that she drank a bit too much because she was lonely, sometimes. And one other thing: she was loyal. She had lived in Palmers Green her whole life. On this street. Sometimes she went riding in the parks, or walking in them. And she had loved this place; strange, lonely old Stevie, she had loved this place, just like I do. Just like Doug does. Just like Ray and Nancy. Just like Saleem.

‘Where’s Doug?’

Saleem had Cog under her arm. She didn’t look like she was expecting me. She was wearing a dirty vest and some cut-off jeans. ‘What the fuck are you doing here?’

‘I saw the light was on.’

‘So?’ She held Cog under her arm like he was a hot water bottle.

‘Doug. Where is he? Do you know where he is? Is he inside? Is he upstairs?’

‘What kind of a stupid question is that? Nancy’s got him. I already told you.’

‘I’ve seen Nancy. He wasn’t with her.’

‘What did she tell you?’

‘Nothing. She was drunk.’

Saleem licked her lips. ‘She’s such a slut. She deserved to be fired.’

‘That’s not what you were saying earlier.’

‘Maybe I changed my mind. It’s a woman’s prerogative.’

‘Did you tell Doug?’

‘What?’

‘About Nancy’s eye.’

‘Of course not. But I’ll certainly consider telling him if you don’t go to that meeting tomorrow.’

‘No, ‘ I said, ‘you won’t tell Doug.’

Saleem tightened her grip on Cog, who had started to writhe and to wriggle. Her arm was a vice around his midriff. When she tightened her grip, a little squeak of protest shot out of him.

‘Why not?’ Saleem asked, slitting her eyes. ‘Nancy’s expendable.’

‘I’ll tell you why not. If you tell Doug about Nancy’s eye, I’ll tell Doug about the fact that you burned the museum down. I’ll tell Doug and anyone else who’ll listen that it was arson, not an accident after all.’

‘I don’t think you’d do that.’

‘Try me.’

Saleem was silent for a minute and then she said, ‘Actually, why don’t you come in for a while? We should talk this over. I’ve only just brewed some tea.’

She pulled the door wide. I hesitated. ‘Look,’ she said, suddenly, ‘of course I wouldn’t tell Doug about Nancy. I’m just trying to make sure that you’ll go tomorrow, that’s all. I have no real problem with Nancy. See?’

Maybe she knew I wasn’t keen to come in. She turned and let go of the front door so that I had to catch it to stop it from closing in my face and by the time I’d pushed it wide again she had already disappeared into the kitchen. I closed the door behind me and followed her in. She was holding two cups full of steaming tea. She offered me one. ‘Herbal,’ she said, ‘peppermint. Sit down.’

I sat down. Saleem took a sip of her tea. ‘I suppose you saw the maze,’ she said, ‘in among the receipts and things.’

‘Yes. ‘

‘He ordered all that privet and he hasn’t even got planning permission. He knows full well that they’d refuse. I don’t think we could accuse Enfield Borough of being all that imaginative.’

‘I suppose not.’ I sipped my tea. It was horrible. Too strong and not peppermint. Fennel, more like.

‘I must say,’ she added, pulling out a chair for herself, ‘I’m very impressed by your loyalty to Nancy. Very impressed.’ She fixed me in her steely gaze and smiled. I drank some more tea. I looked down into my cup and then drank more still.

Breathe one, I thought. Breathe two. Breath three.

‘I wonder,’ Saleem said, then didn’t add anything. I wondered what Saleem was wondering but I didn’t ask because I was certain that it would be something bad or something cruel. My tea was hot but I drained my cup and put it down decisively.

‘Right,’ I said, but didn’t stand up like I’d intended to.

‘I wonder,’ Saleem said again, reaching down to stroke Cog, ‘I wonder whether you actually would tell Doug about the museum. I mean, it’s not as though they could prove anything, really. It was so long ago.’ She smiled. ‘And I was so very, very careful.’

She was still stroking the cat, so I chanced it. ‘You lost your leg,’ I said, ‘you couldn’t have been that careful.’

She ignored me. ‘I’m not at all intimidated,’ she said, ‘by your little threat to tell on me. Not at all. I’m only interested in whether you would tell.’ She straightened up and stared at me, then added, eventually, ‘And I actually think you would, too.’

My mouth went dry. I said, ‘Nancy’s tough, but she can’t defend herself against someone like you.’

Saleem shrugged. ‘There’s no need for her to defend herself. I have nothing against Nancy. This is between you and me.’

I yawned. It seemed such an inappropriate response to what she was saying, but I simply couldn’t help myself.

‘Hope I’m not boring you.’

I yawned again. My mouth felt drier still.

‘I don’t know why, ‘ Saleem said, very quietly it seemed, ‘but I always think that when you confide in a person, when you give them a present of something private that’s hidden away in your heart, well, then that’s like a kind of bond between you, a link. And if someone threatens to break that bond. .’ She whistled under her breath. ‘What could be worse than that, Phil? What crime could be worse than that?’

I would have answered, I had plenty to say on this matter and on other related matters, too, but when I tried to move my mouth it wouldn’t move. I stared at Saleem for a little while. She stared back at me. Then my head fell slowly forward on to the table. I stared at the grain in the tablecloth for a long, long time. It was the oddest sensation, seeing the rest of Thursday trickle away and sensing Saleem moving around in the kitchen like a dark, hard, sharp arachnid.

FIRST THING I remember: a musky, dusky, single-limbed bundle of badness was sitting on my lap with a razor. I couldn’t do anything. Had I been asleep? I guessed I must’ve been. I felt very heavy. Could’ve been her weight on me.

‘Hello Phil,’ she said, when I opened my eyes, and then carried on touching my skin with the blade.

‘Usually,’ she said, ‘I use this razor under my arms. See?’ She lifted her arm. I saw the pores under her armpit, close up like little craters. ‘Nearly finished,’ she sighed, lowering her arm and wiping off a spot of foam from the blade and on to the vest she was wearing. ‘Hot,’ she said, ‘isn’t it?’

I wondered how long we’ d been having this conversation. Might’ve been hours.

‘There!’ Saleem threw the razor on to the table and dried her hands on her vest, then lifted up the front of the vest and rubbed my face with it. I sensed her breasts against my shoulder. I couldn’t feel them, but I sensed them, soft. Soft.

When she’d finished wiping me she pulled back for a moment and stared. ‘You know, you’re quite a dandy, really.’

I stared back, blankly.

She shifted on my lap, sat sideways, one leg dangling down, the other, truncated, stiff and horizontal like the erect, docked tail of a pointer.

‘It’s nice,’ she said, casually, ‘to have a bit of company.’

‘Feel this?’ she asked, a moment later. I felt nothing. I tried to shake my head. I blinked.

‘What’s that mean? Yes? No? Feel this?’ she asked again. I stared straight ahead. I felt nothing.

‘Only,’ she said, slightly preoccupied, ‘you’ve got an erection. Either that or. .’ She shifted on my lap. ‘Either that or you’v e got the keys to the main gates in your pocket. Do you happen to know off-hand if you have those on you?’