Nicola Barker - Small Holdings

‘Phil! Just stop it! You are starting to piss me off so badly. I mean the cat’s dead and only now do you start giving a shit about it. That’s bloody typical of you. Absolutely bloody typical. And I’m under enormous pressure too. I am. I am! And no one gives a shit about me.’ Saleem threw Cog on to the table, tossed aside her stick, yanked out a chair, sat down and burst into tears.

I wished I could die. Just die. Lie down with Cog on the table and expire. Saleem’s face was wet and glossy and extremely snotty.

Eventually I said, ‘Do you want me to bury him?’

She shrugged sulkily.

There’ s an empty flower bed at the back of the house. I could put him in there easily enough.’ She shrugged again. ‘Only,’ I said, nervously, i hardly think Nancy or Doug would appreciate seeing him dead. Not just at the moment. They’re both quite fond of him. So you and I could bury him and just pretend this hadn’t happened for a couple of days.’

Saleem wiped her face on the tablecloth. ‘OK, ‘ she said, eventually, ‘Go dig a hole. I’ll bring him out in five minutes’ time.’

I nodded. ‘By the way, ‘ I said, ‘where is Nancy?’

‘Dig the fucking hole, Phil.’

I went. I dug.

So it wasn’t much of a burial. I dug the hole. Not too deep because I found it hard to hold the spade and hard to balance and the soil seemed unusually hard, too. True to her word, after five minutes Saleem appeared holding Cog. Her face was dry and clear and she seemed, to all intents and purposes, perfectly cheerful again.

I stood aside. I wondered if I should say anything or whether Saleem herself wanted to say a few words.

‘Is that it?’ Saleem asked, staring at the hole. ‘Sure it’s deep enough?’

‘I hope so.’

‘Fine.’ She hopped forward, held Cog over the hole and unceremoniously dropped him in.

‘Cover him,’ she said and watched as I pushed over the soil. She sniffed her hands. ‘Christ,’ she said, ‘I reckon he’s already started stinking. My hands smell like old urine.’

I completed the job in silence. Saleem watched me. She made me feel self-conscious. To distract her I said, ‘Where’s Doug? In bed?’

‘What makes you say that?’

‘I just wondered where he was. I wondered how he was.’

‘He’s gone.’

I froze. ‘Gone? Where?’

‘I don’t know. He just said, “I’ve had enough. I’m going.” I asked him if he’d be back for the meeting tomorrow and he said, “Bugger the meeting.” ‘

‘Doug actually said that?’

‘Yes.

‘ ‘I can’t believe he’d say that.’

Saleem’s mouth began to tighten at its corners. ‘He said it.’

‘Did he say where he was going?’

‘Nope.’

‘D’you think he went back to Mercy’s?’

‘I shouldn’t think so.’

I walked to the barn to put the spade away. As I walked I tried to think where Doug would go. I couldn’t imagine him going anywhere. This was his place. He wouldn’t leave this place.

I decided to try and ring him at Mercy’s. I was standing in the hallway, dialing, when Saleem confronted me.

‘Who are you ringing?’

‘Mercy.’

‘What for?’

‘To see if Doug’s there.’

Saleem slammed down her hand and cut me off.

‘That’ s stupid,’ she said. ‘You don’t want to get Mercy all worked up.’

I put down the receiver. ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘I know he’ll be back tomorrow anyway. He wouldn’t miss the meeting. Not for anything.’

Saleem eyed me. ‘Just the same. .’

‘What?’

‘Couldn’t do any harm for you to acquaint yourself with the details of the park business, just in case he doesn’t.’

‘He will.’

‘I’m willing to bet he might not.’

‘He will. I know how he is.’

‘Even so. .’Saleem had a couple of folders under her arm, ‘best acquaint yourself.’

I inhaled deeply. I didn’t take the folders. I said, ‘You know full well that I can’t go to the meeting. That’s Doug’s job.’

Saleem was growing impatient. ‘What will it take,’ she asked me, ‘to make you realize that you are the only person who can go? It’s up to you. Doug isn’t coming back. I know that. OK? He isn’t coming back. It’s up to you.’

‘Then we’ll cancel the meeting.’

‘We can’t cancel it. Doug’s cancelled it twice already. All the details, correspondence, everything, are in here. In the folders. Just take them.’

I shook my head. I knew Doug. He was the backbone. An organism couldn’t function — couldn’t walk or crawl or anything — without a backbone. ‘He’s coming back,’ I said, ‘that’s all I know.’

Saleem was silent for a minute. Then she said, ‘Did you read that book like I told you to? Dr John Sledge. Did you read it?’

‘Doug’s coming back.’

Saleem pushed her face up very close to mine. ‘Phil,’ she said gently, ‘you saw what Doug did this morning. He took the fucking tractor and he drove it into the greenhouse. You saw him do that, didn’t you? With your own two eyes.’

She was right in my face, I side-stepped. She side-stepped. I backed my way into the kitchen. Something was boiling. The air was full of steam. Smelled sweet and ugly.

Saleem followed me into the kitchen. She dumped the folders down on to the table and she went to open a window. I watched her. I took a slow step over towards the door.

‘Stay where you are.’ She turned, i have something to tell you. Something important.’ We had the whole table between us.

She sighed. ‘OK, so I’d hoped to keep it from you so that you wouldn’t get all worked up about it and spoil our chances at the meeting tomorrow. .’ I opened my mouth to speak, but she said, ‘Don’t say it, Phil. Doug won’t be back for the meeting tomorrow. He won’t be, and I’ll tell you why. ‘

It was still too wet and too warm. I put my hands out and rested them on the back of a chair. I leaned on the chair. On the sideboard were a bundle of papers. On the top of these, a newspaper. It was the previous day’s Guardian.

‘Remember this?’ Saleem showed me the Guardian. I frowned back at her. ‘You know when you came in, before, and I was kind of overwrought?’

I nodded. I think I did.

‘Well to be honest with you, I don’t give a shit about that fucking cat, and I’m sure you’re aware of that fact.’

I nodded again. She pulled out a chair and sat down. She said, ‘I’ll give it to you straight, Phil.’

The chair was creaking under my weight. I was sweating. Or was I covered in condensation? A pan on the oven was boiling. Water and steam and water and steam.

‘Right,’ Saleem said, ‘now just listen. Nancy was really angry with Doug for sacking her yesterday. I tried to convince her last night that you and Ray would make sure she’d be all right. I told her you’d stand up for her against Doug. Well, unfortunately, she wasn’t convinced. She was angry with Doug. She went and destroyed his greenhouse this morning. I suppose she just didn’t have any faith in the two of you. And she loves this place as much as we do. You might not believe it, Phil but she does. Anyway, after Doug smashed up the tractor and everything she realized how stupid she’d been. Petty and everything. What a big mistake she’d made. So when Doug got back here she told him what she’d done and she told him she’d done it. I guess her timing wasn’t up to much, well, she’s already proved that quite conclusively, if her driving is anything to go by.

‘Anyhow, Doug literally went wild. He felt terribly betrayed. He was yelling and throwing his fists about and he said he’d destroy the whole damn park. I mean he was just crazy. Even I was scared. Nancy was scared too. She ran to the truck, got out her gun — actually it’s more like a starting pistol, I think she uses it when she goes motorcross racing or something — and Doug stopped dead in his tracks, but not for long. After a second Doug lunged at her. Nancy’s tough, though. She stepped back, tried to get away, but found herself up flat against the back of her truck. She couldn’t step back any further. And Doug was getting closer. And then. . and then. .’