Nicola Barker: Clear: A Transparent Novel

Once she’s up, the porter moves her arm around my neck, and my free arm around her waist.

He steps back, appraising his work.

‘Good,’ he says, smiling. ‘Now just take it nice and slow, yeah?’

Then he turns and addresses me, exclusively, ‘When you get her in, close all the curtains, don’t try and give her anything to eat or drink (well, maybe just pour her a glass of water), then gently lay her down and place a moist, cold flannel across her forehead…’

I scowl. I open my mouth. I close my mouth. I swallow. I adjust the Tupperware…

Aw, bollocks, man!

I fucking nod .

Pimp?

Pimp? !

Okay. Okay . So just hold your fire. I’m throwing down my weapon, see? And I’m coming out— very slowly — with my hands in the air.

I’m co-operating .

Now can we please, please just try to get this whole thing back into proportion? I mean come on . Don’t take it all so seriously. This is fun. Just fun .

And another thing (while we’re at it) let’s bin Above the Below already (cheesy, cheesy, cheesy ). I’ve got my own little carry-on a much better moniker. I’m calling it ‘Above the Pil low’, and my current strike rate is five ( five !) and counting (Yup. It’s an Adair Graham MacKenny International Shag-a-thon down here, baby).

Maybe I exaggerate, slightly. Four. Well, three and a half (in one instance I didn’t quite get to come. There’s been a couple of ‘hitches’, in other words. But heck , who’s complaining?). It’s early doors (Day Nine for Christ-sake), and I’m still— ahem —‘feeling my way’— insert Frankie Howerd-style exclamation of your choice —around here.

There are several approaches (if you must know. And if you mustn’t, then I’m still determined to tell you), but the important thing to bear in mind (morally— urgh, yawn —speaking) is that I’m happy — more than happy — to take each and every one of them:

Approach (A) The Girls who Love Blaine

There’s nothing more attractive to a sensitive, beautiful, highly-strung girl (who still attends college, believes in Karma and dresses like Nelly Furtado) than an attractive (well, quite attractive — if I’ve cleaned my nails and applied my hair gel), sensitive, highly-strung boy who’s ready, willing and able to empathise with them over the many complexities of Blaine’s tragic predicament.

Girl steps back (temporarily overwhelmed) from the dramatic spectacle of the ‘angelic’ Blaine. She is shaking her head, bemusedly.

‘I mean why would people want to throw eggs at him?’ she asks poignantly. ‘Haven’t they got anything better to do? He’s not hurting anyone, is he?’

Adair Graham MacKenny (doctor on call) shrugs his shoulders, resignedly, ‘Nope. Only himself. And that’s absolutely his prerogative, if you ask me.’

Girl turns to look at A. G. MacKenny, immediately digesting the fact that A. G. MacK. is (like her hero) dressed principally in black.

‘Exactly.’ She smiles, shyly. ‘I mean I think people are threatened by him. By the statement he’s making.’

A. G. MacK. nods, ‘Yeah. And I definitely think people are confused by him, and that’s half the trouble.’

Girl considers this for a moment, ‘You’re right ,’ she says, ‘I think they are.’

‘And sometimes,’ A. G. MacK. continues (as if he’d only just thought of it), ‘when people are confused , they lash out. They do stupid things.’

Girl turns, impressed, the dark pupils in her blue eyes dilating. ‘That’s sad, but it’s so true .’

Insert invisible brackets here : I think I might want to make love with you — so long as I’m

(a) not on the rag;

(b) don’t have a last-minute history essay to write on the Mau Mau for a bastard tutorial this afternoon and;

(c) my Halls of Residence/your London pad isn’t/aren’t too far from here.

Oh yeah .

Approach (B) The Girls who Hate Blaine

‘What a twat . What a stupid, self-indulgent, idiotic fucking twat .’

A. G. MacK. (on hearing this seductive mating call), rips off his neat, black pullover to reveal his lairy Gunners colours underneath. He commences a conversation with a remarkably pretty — if slightly loopy — girl about the possibility that David Blaine’s transparent box might actually be made of glucose (when he thinks nobody’s looking, can’t you see the bastard licking?), and puts forward the additional hypothesis that when the autumn weather really kicks in — when it rains —the box will gradually dissolve, and that attention-craving American fraud will take the mother of all tumbles.

Hah!

Approach (C) The Girls who Have Yet to Make Up their Minds

‘I mean what’s he do up there all day?’

‘He pees his nappy, he fantasises about nachos, and he considers the various pros and cons of the British Licensing Laws.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes.’

(Slight pause as A. G. MacK. feels around keenly in his rucksack…)

‘Fancy an Alco-pop?’

Approach (D) Blaine’s Girlfriend

The unbelievably beautiful international model Manon Von Gerkan (hair like wheat. Eyes like forget-me-nots. Lips like a mudskipper — Oh my , she’s spectacular ) is reputedly in almost constant attendance (although I — for one — don’t often have the privilege of seeing her because she tends to stay in the vicinity of the TV crews’ caravans in the private car park, to the rear).

Now think about it. Her boyfriend is currently thirty-odd-feet up in the air living on a diet of Evian water.

I am down here.

Va-va-va-voooom!

So far (admittedly) we have only shared one conversation. I was standing directly behind her. She took a small step back (while adjusting her binoculars) and stood on my trainer. She turned round. Our eyes met.

‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘Did I stand on your foot?’ ‘Yes,’ I said, inspecting her indelible bootprint on my incredibly precious soft-shoe fabric, ‘but don’t worry. They’re only my very favourite, pristine quality, two-year-old yellow leather plimsoles from YMC. It’s fine , honestly.’

‘Oh,’ she said, then smiled and turned back round.

Plenty of room for optimism here, then, eh?

Approximately twenty yards on and the tourists are swarming . There’s a man demonstrating ‘the world’s smallest kite’, there’s the hot-dog seller, there’s the T-shirts stall and the exotic South American who can effortlessly forge your name out of silver wire. An ice-cream van pulls into a small clearing. A jogger almost runs into him. Bedlam .

And swinging high above us — not a care in this world — that crazy Yank magician, smiling down benignly like this chaos has everything and yet nothing to do with him.

‘Pimp.’

She mutters it again (Good God she’s tenacious). My only compensation (and it’s hardly much) is that she’s plainly no happier with this arrangement than I am. I yank my headphones back over my ears, and in response, she shoves her sick-smeared hanky into the neat, front pocket of my beautiful, brand new Fendi shirt, and snorts (like a pig . I presume that’s how she laughs).

Right . That’s it . ODB again, and at full-bloody- blast this time. The Tupperware clatters in my ‘free’ hand as I grimly adjust the volume. A tug on the river sounds its horn, but I don’t hear it. Aphra does. She glances, then winces.