Nicola Barker - Heading Inland

‘A hundred sodding seed pearl buttons,’ she said furiously. ‘Traditional my arse.’

Leanne said, ‘Do you want a hand with those?’ As she said this she noticed a strange stain, like a water mark, on the back of the dress. ‘Scott?’ She spoke casually.

He said, ‘I haven’t found it yet.’

‘Why don’t you go downstairs and let Grandad help you look? Aunty Susan’s got to get dressed now.’

Scott sighed, exasperated, but closed the book and left the room. Susan was still grappling with the buttons.

Leanne inspected the stain more closely. It was seven or eight inches in diameter. It did look like a water stain. This was bad news, because water, as a consequence, probably couldn’t be used to remove it. If I tell Susan, she thought, she’ll go mad. But if I don’t tell her. .

‘What the hell is that?’

Too late. Susan had seen it.

‘I think it’s a water stain or something.’

‘Call Mum.’

Susan dropped the dress and sat down on the bed, thoroughly disgusted.

Leanne was accustomed to the rapidity with which Susan responded to things. For Susan, everything happened immediately — it had to — or not at all. If she had been a flower — her dad regularly said this — she’d be a passion flower. She’d bloom for a single day and then die. Passion flowers are beautiful, Leanne thought, but when it comes down to it, I’d rather be a lilac. The little flowers start off a dark, rich purple, fade into a lovely mauve, then turn into a bright white. Three flowers in one.

Leanne called Margaret. Margaret came in after several seconds, only half-way into her suit. She wore the skirt, a searing shrimp pink, on the knee, a nice length, good fabric.

‘What?’

‘The dress.’

Susan pointed. Leanne had picked the dress up. She indicated towards the water mark.

‘I don’t believe it. It must’ve been like that when they sent it.’

‘I’m going to sue them.’

‘You only tried it on two days ago. I didn’t notice a stain then.’

‘Phone them and tell them I’m going to sue.’

Leanne said, ‘Is there any way of getting out a stain like this?’ Margaret didn’t really have a clue. She didn’t know much about stains on the whole. What sort of a mother does that make me? she thought. Susan was glaring at her as though it was all her fault. She was the oldest. The oldest person was always responsible. Susan said quietly, ‘I’m not going. Ring Simon. Tell him it’s off.’

Leanne stared at Susan. Her nose and chin were red and her eyes were doleful. This is like a game of MouseTrap, she decided. Scott had the game at home; a brightly coloured plastic contraption with a large silver ball. She couldn’t remember how you played it, what the rules were, but she did know for certain that once the silver ball had started to roll, the course of events was pretty much determined. She said, ‘You can hardly notice it, really. There’s so much material. Once your veil’s on it’ll stretch down way below. .’

‘Phone them and tell them I’m going to sue.’

Margaret said, ‘You could probably pin a couple of folds together if the veil didn’t cover it.’

Leanne watched Susan’s face. This could go either way, she thought. Anger or self-pity. She hoped it would be the latter. The corners of Susan’s mouth began to turn down. Her chin trembled.

‘It’s a botch-up. It ruins everything.’

Secretly, Susan was almost pleased. The hair, the radio. . these things hadn’t been a sufficient cause for dejection, but the dress. . well!

Margaret stopped herself from uttering platitudes. She wanted to say, ‘It doesn’t matter’, but, of course, it did matter.

Leanne said, ‘Simon asked you to marry him that day you vomited in his car after Alton Towers. Remember? It won’t make any difference to him.’

Scott rushed in. He was now wearing a button-hole. Margaret said brightly, ‘The flowers have arrived. That’s something.’

Scott shouted over the top of her words, ‘Git. A bastard. In the sense, to beget. Hence, a bastard, fool.’

Damn, Leanne thought, that wasn’t very successful.

Susan matched his yells with her own. ‘Scott, bugger off!’ Every time I get some attention, she thought, that little brat ruins it.

Scott stuck out his bottom lip, looked from Susan, to his mother and then back again. Margaret snatched hold of his hand and led him out of the room. She’s my daughter, she thought. It’s her wedding day.

Leanne said, ‘Susan, just because you’re the bride, doesn’t mean you can get away with being rude to everybody.’

‘Well, what the hell does it mean then?’

Leanne scowled. ‘It means that you can get away with throwing a tantrum, but that if you’re a decent person you’ll decide to behave well, even though you know that you don’t absolutely have to.’

Susan said, ‘Leanne, you’re full of shit.’

Leanne held up the dress. ‘Put this on.’

‘No.’

‘Don’t be stupid.’

‘It’s ruined.’

‘It won’t even notice once the veil’s on.’

Leanne watched Susan’s face. Will she, won’t she, will she, won’t she?

Susan stood up and held out her arms. Leanne helped her pull the dress on. Dad shouted upstairs, ‘Nearly time now. The flowers are ready. The cars are here.’

Susan twirled in front of the mirror. The dress looked fine. . But the stain? Once the veil was on. . The veil was long. For a moment she understood exactly what Leanne had meant about the bride choosing to be nice. That, too, was a kind of power.

Margaret came in, fully dressed now. ‘See?’ she said. ‘I told you it’d look just lovely.’

Susan saw herself as a scale. In her mind things were delicately balanced. She was outside herself, looking on. Things are very carefully balanced, she decided. A small weight of irritation, frustration, fury, was outweighed, only just, by a supreme equanimity. This is as it should be, she thought. I’m a bride. I’m going to church. This whole day is about. . love.

Margaret handed Susan her bouquet. Next she picked up the veil and helped Leanne to pin it on to Susan’s head. They adjusted its pale folds. This is that special moment, Margaret thought, where a mother gets all emotional.

Susan burped, then put her hand over her mouth and said, ‘I could do with a Rennie or something. My gut’s all acid.’

Leanne said, ‘I’ll get you one after I’ve found my shoes and my bag. I won’t be long.’

Scott was sitting on the bottom stair looking petulant. Leanne said, ‘Don’t get any fluff on your suit.’

He said, ‘I don’t like Aunty Susan.’

‘She’s uptight, that’s all. She didn’t mean to be rude.’

‘What did she mean, then?’

‘It’s complicated.’

Scott wasn’t satisfied with her answer. He said, ‘So sometimes it’s all right to be rude?’

‘Sometimes, but only if you’ve got a good enough reason. We’ll talk about this later, OK?’

Leanne looked around for her bag and located it on the hall table. Her shoes were neatly placed on the front doormat. She slipped her feet into them and then made her way through to the kitchen, past Dad, the flowers, the chauffeur, who was having a cup of tea. She found some indigestion tablets. Scott was trailing around behind her. She said, ‘It’s nearly time to go.’

‘Is Aunty Susan allowed to be rude because it’s her wedding day?’

‘No. Yes. She’s only rude because she’s upset. That’s all.’

She swept past him and up the stairs. Scott watched her. In his mind he was working out a simple equation. It went: Wedding=Upset=Nasty=Fine. He smiled to himself. Right.

Susan processed down the stairs. Leanne and Margaret darted around behind her like a couple of frantic swifts. Susan felt almost too grand for this house, like a misplaced princess. Her mind had been quietened by meditating solely on the letter I. I’m looking forward now, she thought. I am the present. I am the future.