Nicola Barker - Heading Inland

Ralph sniffed obligingly. ‘Smells of old cum and mothballs under here.’

‘We’re cursed!’ Tina exclaimed dramatically, half meaning it, half not.

‘Bullshit!’ Ralph sounded utterly unperturbed. ‘I don’t believe in that stuff.’

‘But you believe it’s fate that we should be together? That’s so stupid. Maybe I should call down for a porter.’

Ralph continued to fiddle. ‘Great idea. Try explaining this situation in pidgin Italian.’

‘I’m tired.’

‘Ring Paolo, then,’ Ralph said brightly. ‘Explain things to him.’

Tina blinked. ‘Paolo? No way.’

‘Why not?’

‘I’ll look stupid.’

‘Hardly. I’m the one looking ridiculous here, not you.’

Tina said nothing. Ralph, in turn, ruminated for a while. Then he said, quite softly, almost inaudibly. ‘Maybe you’re right, though, maybe I shouldn’t have taken that bone after all.’

Tina froze. ‘ What ?’

‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken it. I should have just dumped it.’

Tina’s hands formed into fists. ‘You took the bone? Is that what you’re saying?’

‘Not exactly.’ Ralph tried to stifle a yawn but failed. ‘You did.’

Tina’s hands flew to her throat. It tightened.

‘You nearly slipped, remember? I thought that monk fella was coming so I tossed the bone into your jacket pocket.’

Tina stared down at her jacket. She took two deep breaths, and then slowly, fearfully, she slipped her hand into her right pocket. Inside she found some tissues and a couple of English coins. Nothing else. She exhaled her relief and then steeled herself for the left pocket. She dipped in her hand. . More tissues, an old bus ticket, and then? Something stiff and slim and potentially fibrous. Gently, gently she withdrew it. The bone. Only it wasn’t a bone, it was a Bic pen. Yellow, innocuous.

‘You bastard !’

Ralph howled. ‘Sorry,’ he coughed, between gasps. ‘I guess that was rather close to the bone !’ He laughed some more. Tina said nothing. Instead she went and picked up the phone.

Most of it she explained there and then. The remainder she whispered to him outside on the fire escape, away from Ralph’s prying ears. Of course he was angry. But there was a slant to Paolo’s anger that Tina hadn’t anticipated. It wasn’t the sacrilege or the invasion of her privacy or even the lie over her former intimacy with Ralph that he minded. It was the erection.

‘A 24-hour erection? No way. It is not possible.’

Paolo clambered into the room, got down on to his hands and knees and stared at Ralph and his entrapped member. Ralph shielded himself with an outstretched hand. ‘What is this?’

Paolo was undaunted. ‘No way. I am a doctor. I have never heard of such a thing.’

Ralph grinned, sensing Paolo’s pique. ‘Actually, it’s been more than twenty-four hours now. It’s closer to thirty.’

Paolo swore in Italian and then stood up. ‘OK, turn away, Tina, I don’t want you seeing anything that might prove unsettling. And you. .’ He kicked Ralph’s foot.

‘Ow!’

‘You, get ready for me to lift the bed. I’ll go slowly but prepare yourself for some discomfort.’

Tina turned away. Paolo braced himself, grunted and then lifted. Ralph cursed and rapidly made some necessary adjustments.

‘Right,’ he said finally, ‘I’m decent. Hold it three seconds longer, Paolo, and I’ll roll out from under.’

After exactly three seconds Paolo dropped the bed, unceremoniously. Ralph tried to stand up. But before he could straighten himself Paolo had darted over and shoved him, quite forcefully, in the centre of his chest. Ralph jerked and then wilted. Paolo was at least a foot taller than he was.

‘Sit! Over there. In that chair.’

Paolo pointed. Ralph winced, staggered over and sat down.

‘Now what?’

‘So,’ Paolo glared at the significant protuberance between Ralph’s thighs. ‘I can clearly see that there is indeed some activity in your trousers.’

Ralph looked down at himself, as if to confirm in his own mind that this was true.

‘Yes.’

Ralph’s penis was stretched and erect under the fabric of his jeans.

‘Tina,’ Paolo said softly. ‘Make yourself comfortable on the bed. I myself will take the other chair.’

Tina did as Paolo had asked. Paolo pulled a chair over to a position directly opposite Ralph’s, and then settled himself into it. Nobody spoke. Finally, Tina said gently, ‘It’s late. Hadn’t Ralph better get going?’

Ralph nodded keenly, all previous thoughts of his improbable connection with Tina patently abandoned.

‘No, Tina,’ Paolo replied calmly. ‘Now we wait.’

Tina frowned. ‘But what for?’

‘We wait until his magical erection goes down. Then I will kill him.’

Ralph’s eyes widened. So did Tina’s. Paolo just smiled and kept his eyes fixed on Ralph’s thighs. Ralph squirmed.

‘Ah yes!’ Paolo sneered, looking and sounding quite demonic. ‘Try and maintain that erection under real pressure, little man. We’ll all see how long it lasts, eh, Tina?’

Tina cleared her throat. ‘But maybe, Paolo. .’

Paolo silenced her with an impressive jerk of his eyebrow. ‘You called me, Tina, and I came. This is my business now. Keep out of it.’ Tina retreated back on to her pillows.

Ten minutes. Twenty minutes. Thirty minutes passed. Nothing moved except for Tina’s eyes which turned every so often towards the clock on her bedside table. After forty minutes Paolo was still as watchful and focused as a kestrel in a summer wheatfield. Ralph was pale and bug-eyed and sweating. But his erection remained prodigious.

Eventually Paolo stirred. ‘Tina, I need to use your bathroom.’ Tina nodded. Paolo stood, went to the window and fastened it, turning the security lock at its base and pocketing the key.

‘The room keys?’

Tina pointed to the bedside table. Paolo picked these up on his way into the bathroom. He closed the door behind him.

In a flash Ralph turned to her and whispered frantically. ‘He’s a fucking maniac! He’s going to kill me. He means it. Why the fuck did you have to go and phone him?’

Tina gaped. ‘Me? Why did I phone him? It was your idea in the first place. How was I to know he’d react this way? Anyhow,’ Tina pointed, ‘the erection’s still there, isn’t it?’

Ralph unzipped his fly and brought out a cheese straw. Tina stared, dumbstruck. Finally she murmured, ‘What is that?’

‘What does it look like? I never had an erection. It was a wind-up. I wanted to pay you back for being such a stuck-up bitch the other day. And for passing me over.’

‘Passing you over? Are you mad?’

‘I was going to run off once you’d phoned him, so that he’d come round and you’d look stupid. But,’ he indicated the zip on his fly, ‘this fucking thing did get caught and I was stuck there for a while so then I thought, why the hell not sit this out and be in on all the fun?’

The toilet flushed. Tina gestured frantically. ‘Put that back in! He’s coming.’

A droplet of perspiration had formed on the tip of Ralph’s nose. ‘I can’t. It’s crumbling. It’s hot down there.’ He waved the straw and it drooped. Tina’s hand darted into her pocket and she pulled out the Bic pen.

‘Take this. Quickly.’

Ralph snatched the pen and stuck it down his trousers with dispatch. Just in time. Paolo came strolling out of the bathroom. Tina was still staring anxiously in Ralph’s direction and so failed to detect that Paolo was holding something in his hands. Her bag. After a cursory glance at Ralph’s genitals, he sat down in his chair again and placed the bag on his lap.