James Kelman - A Disaffection

Patrick waited till the cistern had refilled before leaving the bathroom.

The other three were laughing at something which did not include Patrick obviously since he had been elsewhere at the yarn’s commencement. He sat on the chair and coughed slightly, looked for his glass of homebrew but couldnt find it, it was not there; he took a swig of the superlager. Then Arthur called, Heh Paddy, wait till I finish what I was telling ye there before ye went to the cludge. It was just eh … he glanced at Gavin and Davie and it was enough to set the pair of them into further laughter, and he smiled and said to Patrick: Naw, it was just there was a wee bit of a contretemps during the reception. Mind it was a wedding I was saying?

Pat nodded.

So — actually I never saw it, to be honest, the incident itself but what happened was there was this fucking commotion man, a big fucking rammy; it started ben the main dining room; it was a function suite where it was being held. Me and Maureen were in this lounge room with some other folk, a couple of her auld aunties — when in comes this cunt, fucking shouting and bawling, and we’re all looking at him wondering what the score is with all the noise and that because we’d heard it, the fucking rammy, before he came fucking in shouting and bawling and panicking away; and he screams out to his missis: Hey Sheila your auld’s man’s done a disappearing trick out the window! Arthur laughed. Gavin and Davie also laughed. And Arthur said: Naw Paddy what it was ye see this woman Sheila, her auld man, her feyther, he’d got into an argument with this team — Maureen’s fucking cousins I dont have to tell ye — and what happens but they fucking grabbed the auld cunt and chipped him out the window. Thank fuck it was only one up. It could’ve been a bad yin that if he had landed the wrong way! Arthur grinned, shaking his head. A disappearing trick out the window!

There was a noise from the lobby. Gavin glanced swiftly to the door.

Nicola and the kids were home. Arthur turned the volume of the music down and he lifted the cover of the Bo Diddley album, sat back on his chair and started reading the sleeve notes. Davie half turned on the settee; he began talking to Pat about school and how it had changed since he was a boy but Pat didnt pay much attention. He glanced at the door when it opened. Nicola gave a mock look of surprise: My God! I thought I heard voices! And you too Patrick Doyle!

I was just passing, going home from school.

Just passing! She grinned. So Gavin Doyle, as soon as I leave the house you invite folk round for a drinking session!

Not at all!

Mammy … called John, Pat’s nephew who was coming up for seven years of age. Wee Elizabeth, followed; she was four-and-a-half years of age. Patrick patted them both on the head. The two of them stared at the company. John said, Hullo Uncle Pat?

Hullo John, said Pat in an exaggerated baritone of a voice, and couldni stop himself from adding: How’s school? Are you getting on with your lessons?

Aye.

What about you Elizabeth?

She doesnt get lessons, said Nicola, dont you no hen?

Just drawing, said Elizabeth.

She could be getting reading at that age. Pat said, If they had the right attitude to nursery education. No kidding ye Elizabeth I’d have them on mathematics.

Slave driver! chuckled Davie.

Naw but they’d enjoy it. Sure you would Elizabeth?

Elizabeth smiled from Pat to Nicola and she said to Pat: Did you and daddy fight when you were wee?

Everybody laughed. Patrick replied: Aye, he used to give me doings all the bloody time!

Was it clean fighting? said John.

Naw.

Was it dirty?

Aye.

John grinned.

Patrick noticed Nicola and Gavin exchanging looks, and it was to do with the alcohol lying on the table; and he spoke at once. It was me responsible for the bevy Nicola, entirely. I bought it.

She grimaced. It’s an awful lot.

Aye, eh … he stopped, he was not going to make any daft excuses. He lifted the pile of chocolate and sweetie packets from the sideboard and gave them to the children and while they were holding them and looking at them and grinning at each other, Nicola had stepped nearer to Gavin and she quietly asked him something about the electricity; instead of answering her Gavin rose from his armchair and he said, I was wanting to eh … He sniffed, touching her on the elbow and walking ahead of her to the door. Nicola’s face. Pat glanced away and he winked at John who was asking him about a packet of sweeties, were they the ones with nuts in the middle? Gavin and Nicola left the room.

I dont know, said Pat, bite into one and see!

Can I open it? John asked.

Aye, of course.

Maybe they’ve to get their tea first? said Davie, winking at Pat.

Aye, said Arthur and he gave an exaggerated sniff.

Have you to get your tea? Davie asked John. Does your mammy say you’ve to get your tea?

We can get it after, said Elizabeth.

No flies on her, grinned Arthur.

Ach it’ll be alright, said Pat. Okay kids yous can eat your sweeties. But no them all! Save some for later on.

Heh by the way, said Davie to Arthur, did I tell ye that lassie of mine’s got the job she was after? It’s in a wee restaurant, he told Patrick, waitressing and that — good tips supposed to be.

Great.

She was never one for lessons. The boys were better. Mind you she was fine at the primary school; it was after she moved up.

Ah that’s common, said Pat. Lassies generally start chucking it when they hit adolescence; they just give up, they stop trying.

Is that right? asked Arthur.

They tend to, aye. Lessons come second-best to everything, especially boys!

Is that no the same the other way round but? said Davie.

Eh, no really; it’s to do with sexuality and the competitive nature of society; how males are aye supposed to win and lassies are aye supposed to come secondbest, and the way the education system colludes entirely. Patrick grinned at Elizabeth and he patted her head: Sure that’s no gonni happen to you my fine young lassie? Sure you’re gonni do all your lessons and beat these lassieds hollow!

Elizabeth was smiling and looking from Patrick to Davie and to Arthur. And John said, I got the best mark for spelling yesterday.

Great, said Pat, well done my fine young fellow. What did ye do with that best mark?

John smiled.

I dont have any lassies, said Arthur, but I’ll tell you something for nothing, if boys are the ones that do do their lessons, I wouldni like to see the ones that dont! No if my pair are anything to go by! Lazy pair of swines so they are.

I thought Billy was quite good? said Davie.

Nah christ. He’s like yours, he was good. Now? Now he’s a lazy … Arthur sniffed without finishing the statement. He winked at Pat and indicating the kids he said quietly, The problem is, with my pair anyway, it’s trying to warn them away from the … junkies … Arthur mouthed the word.

Davie said to him: You dont want to talk about certain things with the weans and all that.

Naw I know, replied Arthur, I’m just saying to Paddy, it’s a worry.

Aye you’re right it’s a worry.

So you’ve got to talk about it.

I know that Arthur, I’m no meaning nothing. It’s just because of the … he winked at John and Elizabeth who were both looking at him and at Arthur, both standing beside Patrick.

Ah but some things are good to talk about in front of weans, said Pat.

True. But some things areni Paddy, you with me?

Pat nodded. I know what you’re saying.

Some things are best left till later on.

Well … Pat shrugged.

I dont think you agree with me … Davie smiled and added to Arthur. What do you say on that one Arthur?