Thomas McGuane - Driving on the Rim

When I went in to see ancient Donald Fairhurst, who ranched up the Shields River for seventy years, I found him in good spirits and glad to be under the covers on a morning that was in his opinion “cold enough to freeze the nuts off a riding plow.” He asked me who the president was this time. I told him and he wanted to know about the legislature; he said Americans had to get out of the habit of sending the village idiot to Congress. His ninety-five years did not seem to have blunted his wit. Donald once told me that he had been a hellhound in his youth before he started going to church. “Now I’m sanctified.” He said he had no intention of dying until the time was ripe. He had attended the last public hanging in Montana as a boy and told me that in those days the young were encouraged to attend as a moral lesson. I asked him about the spectacle. “Wasn’t nothing to it,” he said. “It was like watching a turd fall from a tall cow.”

I saw the nurses rush toward the room of a patient who was singing “Jambalaya” in a loud and despairing voice. An older nurse headed his way with a syringe on a tray.

Jinx Mayhall came into my office. We were very good friends with shared interests in cooking and the outdoors. An unpleasant stillness came upon us. Jinx stared at my face, her eyes a pair of gloomy orbs. “Whatever possessed you to do away with that poor girl?” she asked. My blood ran cold, I don’t know why; though later I would wonder whether something like this had been in the air and I had registered it subconsciously.

“Do away with what poor girl?”

“Your old squeeze. The one who stabbed herself.”

“Jinx, I tried everything I knew to—”

“—saying such terrible things about you—”

“—keep her alive. I didn’t know that. I’d hardly seen in her in years.”

“Never out of her mind. She made that clear to one and all. It’s not that no one understands , a doomed soul surely.”

“Jinx, stop. Now just stop this. I tried my best to save her.”

“Did you.”

We sat without a word for a long time. I had my hands in front of me on the desk, and I was staring between them while my mind whirled. Finally, I told Jinx that I thought it best she go. She stopped in the doorway in her big loden coat and without turning to me, said, “I thought you knew.”

* * *

I looked at Bob Carmichael’s chart and felt sad and unsurprised. Bob wouldn’t be here much longer because of his age and diabetes, but he was so stouthearted he would doubtless have numerous amputations before the merciful failure of his heart. Retired from the railroad long ago, Bob was a ham radio operator and had a far-flung society of fellow “hams” he communicated with every day. He once picked up the distress messages of a crab boat sinking in the Gulf of Alaska, connected the crew to a Russian trawler, and from the comfort of his small house on H Street saved seven men from drowning in cold black water. Entering my office, he quickly sat to keep me from evaluating his mobility, which was greatly reduced. He wore a frayed flannel shirt, high-heeled logger boots, and suspenders. His white hair had the pinkish tinge of the redhead he formerly was. Bob and I were tired of sending him for blood tests and suggesting changes in his lifestyle. The unspoken thing between us was that it was in God’s hands, sooner or later, though one of us might have called it luck. Bob did not feel he had been cheated by life, and after fifty years of marriage he and his wife still had each other’s companionship. By checking in with me a few times a year, he felt he had done enough for his health. I agreed.

“Feeling okay?”

“Feeling okay.”

That was it for medicine. Bob said, “About five this morning, there was a wolf on the baseball diamond.”

“What was he doing there?”

“I don’t know.”

“Out by the fence?” I asked this because just past that is woods.

“Oh, hell no. He was in the infield licking the baselines. Might be there’s salt or something he needed in them baselines.”

“Did you see this?”

“The kids seen it.”

“You sure you don’t have anything to report healthwise?”

“Not really. I suppose something will jump out and bite me on the ass but not yet.”

“Well, okay. See me this winter, unless something comes up.”

Bob was my last patient for the day. I no longer knew what the rules were. I guessed I wasn’t supposed to be here at all. I was quite disturbed by what Jinx had said, and it had the effect of widening my outlook on my life. Lately, I’d been dreaming about my mother. Sometimes she was in the dream; sometimes she was not but I got letters from her. In neither case did she do anything significant except that it must have been significant that she was in my dreams at all. She just walked around, did a few chores; or I went to the box and got the letters but I didn’t open them. I was sometimes awakened by the longing for something to happen in these dreams, but they remained maddeningly innocuous. I suspected that this was the way we dreamt of our late parents; what we wished to have fulfilled was simply their presence. Psychologists focus on symbolism of events in dreams, which is part of their own wish fulfillment. The ones that meant the most were remarkably bland, like mine of my mother. Usually, she was in a room. That’s it: she was in a room. It was unclear whether I was in the room as well. For some reason, it was heartbreaking. How it would have cleared the air if she could have shouted, “You destroyed me with your indifference!” or something along those lines. The dreams somehow told me that the significance lay in the disparity between someone who was there and someone who was not there. I wasn’t alone in finding simplicity and plainness unbearable. I wished she’d speak up. Instead, she dusted the piano that no one ever played.

I awakened feeling confused. I remembered how I had met boyhood confusion with fishing, and I thought to try it one more time. The only other doctor still coming to work on a regular basis (“Hiding behind her gender,” said Laird McAllister) was Jinx, and she said she’d fill in for me. I could tell she wished she hadn’t said what she had and was trying to make it up to me. I knew just by the way people were looking at me that trouble was headed my way, and it was getting to me: this was my town!

ALONG THE UPPER RIVER the old forest was a corridor that led to the face of the glacier. Whether I was fishing or walking or just working around camp, it was hard to keep my eyes off it as it changed with the light and seemed to have a story that was going somewhere. Wherever that might be, I was never going to find out, but I watched the glacier anyway and wondered what was next. What was next was change, change of color and of shapes that arose and vanished with the advance of day. The glacier was always the last thing to sink into darkness.

I would be heading out in the morning. Not much was left of today. I didn’t have a fish yet, and I was rather working at it. I’d had several unsuccessful days during the previous week, but it seemed unlucky to end the trip on a blank, especially since the point of the trip was to change my luck. The helicopter was to arrive at first light; with packing up to do I would miss the twilight bite, as I had to be able to see to pull my belongings together for the chopper guy, who demanded all gear be spic-and-span and arrayed in one or two bundles that could go in the pod. Moreover, I was counting on eating this fish I hadn’t caught yet.

Fishing alone could be unproductive, as it turned into something ceremonial without the competition of other anglers. But I got lost in space as the long line opened over the water and settled. There was something ancient and fatalistic about it, like making the sign of the cross: I had done my part; the line tightened and swung through the world of the fish. It was not up to me. I just made the cast and awaited the results.