Mohammed Hanif - A Case of Exploding Mangoes

Trust these Pakistani generals to get excited about a goddam smelly fruit, he tells his colleagues, clocking off his shift.

Major Kiyani looks down at his slippers and for a moment forgets why he isn’t wearing his military boors. His head feels dizzy as if he has just come off a roller coaster. He sucks in air with the lust of a dying fish. Throughout the entire five-hundred-and-thirty-mile drive he has rehearsed one sentence: “It’s a matter of life and death, sir, it’s a matter of life and death, sir.” He looks around. Arnold Raphel is nowhere in sight. There is not a single American on the tarmac. General Akhtar looks at him with pleading eyes, imploring him to say God knows what. Major Kiyani suddenly feels that he should salute, walk back to his car, drive back to his office, at a reasonable speed this time, and resume his duties. But he can feel the snipers’ guns pointed at the back of his head and two pairs of very curious eyes inspecting his face, waiting for an explanation. A matter of life and death, sir, he says quietly once again to himself, but then between gulping a few more cubic feet of oxygen blurts: “It’s a matter of national security, sir.”

A dark shadow falls across General Akhtar’s tense, yellow face. He wants to shoot Major Kiyani in the head, board his Cessna and fly back to Islamabad. He expects his men to take decisive action, to cover his flanks in battle, to provide him an exit when he needs one, not behave like pansies discussing national security.

He sucks in his thin lips and holds on to his baton tightly. Suddenly Major Kiyani seems to him not the rescuer on horseback waving the irrefutable proof of his innocence, but the Angel of Death himself.

General Zia’s eyes light up, he punches the air with his clinched fist and shouts: “By jingo, let’s suck the national security. We’ve got twenty crates. General Akhtar, here my brother, my comrade, we are going to have a feast on the plane.” He puts one arm around General Akhtar’s waist, the other around Major Kiyani’s and starts walking towards Pak One.

General Zia is feeling safe surrounded by these two professionals but his mind is racing ahead. A jumble of images and words and forgotten tastes are coming back to him. He wishes he could speak as fast as his mind is working but he can’t arrange his words properly. By jingo, he thinks, we will get rid of that bastard with sunglasses; we’ll hang him by the barrel of Abram One and fire the gun. We’ll see how Abram One misses that one. He laughs out loud at that thought. “We’ll buy those tanks. We need those tanks,” he says to Arnold Raphel and then realises that the ambassador isn’t at his side.

“Where is Brother Raphel?” he shouts. General Akhtar sees his opportunity and squirms in General Zia’s grip. “I’ll go and look for him.” General Zia tightens his arm around General Akhtar’s waist, looks into his eyes and says in a spurned lover’s voice. “You don’t want to suck national security with me? You can slice it with a knife and eat it like those city begums. You can have it anyway you want, brother. We have got twenty crates of the finest national security gifted by our own people.”

General Zia approaches the red carpet and a dozen generals line up to salute him. As their hands reach their eyebrows, General Zia winces and instead of returning their salute inspects their faces. General Zia wonders what they are thinking. He wants to ask them about their wives and children, to start a conversation to get an insight into his commanders’ thinking but he ends up issuing an invitation that sounds like an order. “The party is on the plane.” He points his finger at Pak One. “All aboard, gentlemen. All aboard. By jingo, let’s get this party started.”

It is at this point, taking his first step on the red carpet and chaperoning a dozen confused generals towards Pak One that General Zia feels the first pang of an intense, dry pain in his lower abdomen.

The army of tapeworms, sensing a sudden surge in his blood circulation, begins to wake from their slumber. The tapeworms feel ravenous. A tapeworm’s average age is seven years and it spends its entire life searching for and consuming food. The life cycle of this generation begins on a very lucky note. Climbing up from his rectum, they attack the liver first. They find it healthy and clean, the liver of a man who has not touched a drop of alcohol in twenty years and has quit smoking nine years earlier.

His innards taste like the innards of a man who has had food tasters taste every morsel that he ate for an entire decade. Having worked through his liver, the army starts to make a tunnel in his oesophagus and keeps moving up and up.

Their seven-year life cycle would be cut down to twenty minutes, but while they were alive, they would eat well.

Pak One is a palace compared to the C130 that flew us here. It’s got air conditioning. The floor smells of lemony disinfectants. We are sitting behind the VIP pod, in proper seats with armrests. There is even a waiter in a white turban offering us iced Coca-Cola in plastic glasses. This is the good life, I tell myself. I am poking Obaid in his ribs with my elbow, trying to point towards the cargo lift that’s depositing a stack of crates through the plane’s ramp. Obaid has got his nose buried in the book. He doesn’t even glance towards me. Warrant Officer Fayyaz’s bald head appears from behind the stack of wooden crates. Elaborate messages have been stencilled in blue ink on the crates. “ The mangoes that we present you are not just seasonal fruits, they are tokens of our love, a sign of our devotion .” All Pakistan Mango Farmers Cooperative is stencilled in bold letters on all the crates. Secretary General’s fellow travellers are still playing their double game. Warrant Officer Fayyaz secures the crates to the floor of the plane with a plastic belt and gives the belt a forceful shake to see if it is secure. It is.

As the ramp door on the aircraft comes up and creaks shut, the cabin is suddenly full of the overwhelming smell of mangoes. One mango’s smell is nice, the smell of a tonne of them can induce nausea. Fayyaz looks through me as if he had never tried to molest me. Major Kiyani is standing with his back reclined against the VIP pod as if he expects to be invited in at any time. He seems strait jacketed in a uniform a size too small. I give Obaid another nudge in the ribs. “Look at his feet.” Obaid glances at him impatiently. “He is wearing slippers. So? At least he has started wearing a uniform. One thing at a time.” He buries his nose in his book again. Major Kiyani comes towards me and stares at my face as if he has suddenly remembered that he has seen me somewhere but doesn’t quite know what to say to me. I vacate my seat. “Sir, why don’t you sit here?” He almost falls into the seat as if his knees have refused to carry his weight. Warrant Officer Fayyaz shouts from behind the mango crates. “I’ll have to offload you, Under Officer. We are not allowed to carry standing passengers on Pak One.” I have half a mind to squash his head with a mango crate, but two bearded commandos manning the C13O door are already looking at me suspiciously. “Let’s go, Obaid,” I say, moving towards the door without looking at him, feeling as if I have been ejected from my ringside seat at General Zia’s deathbed. From the door I look back and Obaid waves his book towards me and at the same time mouths what to me sounds like: “I am about to finish.”

I give him a scornful look, nod towards Major Kiyani who has slumped in his chair with his eyes closed, tip my peaked cap to the commandos on the door and shout, “Enjoy your VVIP flight.”