Chelsea Martin - Everything Was Fine Until Whatever

July 4 — After updating my internet profile, I stepped into the kitchen to hear Baby say, “Onion.” This excited Karen for some reason. She laughed and screamed and encouraged Baby to say it again. “Her first word, her first word,” Karen yelled at me, “She said ‘Mama!’” I told her that Baby had actually said “onion.” This upset Karen, who obviously needed confirmation of Baby’s affection towards her. But Baby stuck up for me by laughing and saying, “Onions are really weird.”

July 7 — Tonight it was my turn to make dinner. Right after I got off the phone with Dominos, Karen shooed me out of the room. From the toilet, I overheard her using her sexy voice and came out prepared to scold her for talking sexy to Baby. But Baby was sound asleep on the sofa. That’s when I realized Karen wasn’t talking to Baby; she was on the phone with someone. I pretended I didn’t hear her, and asked why she didn’t let me touch her hands or lower back in public anymore. I remember saying ‘Let’s learn to love again,’ and her saying something insulting about ‘what we’ve become.’ Baby woke up and said, “Dinner is a four-letter word.”

July 9 — Karen wanted ‘time to think,’ which probably means ‘time to practice infidelity’ this weekend, so I am staying in a motel. I talked to Baby on the phone tonight and she said, “Stuck washing dishes thanks to you.”

July 10 — I talked to Baby on the phone again today. I told her about how I’m was thinking about her all day because I saw a lot of women that I just knew Baby could really impress. Baby said, “Shh, TV’s on,” which was really cute and made me homesick.

July 11 — I came home today and Baby was lying on the living room floor looking really bored. I tried to pick her up, but she pretended to be asleep. When I walked away, she opened her eyes again. She seemed irritated. “Are you mad at me?” I asked. She said, “No, I’ve just grown quiet because I’m trying to crap.”

July 13 — I feel depressed. I haven’t talked to Baby or Karen today and I don’t think I will. Karen has not attempted to talk to me all day. She looks at me when she’s passing through rooms, which makes me think she’s not mad. It is as if nothing is wrong and she just doesn’t care to talk to me. It is about 10pm and I am watching a show about sharks. The weather is good.

July 17 — Today while I was at home spending time with Baby, I tried to write an apology letter for Karen, explaining that I didn’t feel I had anything to be sorry for but I was tired of fighting with her, but Baby ripped it out of my hands and pulled it into the bathtub. I started writing another letter explaining how I felt and the main reason I was upset, which was I felt like she had turned into some kind of weirdly responsible, conservative adult, which was never our plan.

July 18 — Today I called Baby and I heard Karen talking to someone in the background. “Who is there with you guys?” I asked. Baby told me it was a man who was “funny yet good-looking.” I asked her if she happened to catch his name and she said, “Are you sobbing into the receiver?”

July 23 — Karen let me come home again two days ago. Steve was over when I arrived at home after job-hunting today. He tried to shake my hand as I came in, but I explained that this was probably the worst time of year to be exposing myself to rashes or skin diseases. Then we all watched Nick at Nite .

July 25 — The small things in life are what impact you the most. I have noticed that when little things of mine are moved from one place to another in the house, I become upset. It has significance because I know Karen is moving these things and I can’t understand why. My belt that I had taken off in the kitchen had been moved from one bar stool to another. It doesn’t make a difference where it is but it’s just that it was a decision made by Karen. Somehow the placement of my belt mattered to her in some way and she needed more control over it.

July 30 — Today Baby said, “Life’s flashin’ before me and shit.” Upon inspection, I saw that she had her first tooth coming in.

August 3 — Today Baby and I took a walk in the park. “Daaang,” she said, as a woman with a dog walked by. This pleased the woman, and she came over to us and introduced herself as Aida. “You like the puppy dog?” the woman asked Baby patronizingly. “She said ‘dang,’” I explained, “And I think she was referring to your fascinating bosom.” “Yeah, Dog,” Baby said sweetly, to protect Aida from embarrassment.

August 5 — Today Karen and I both stayed home all day to spend time with Baby. Baby crawled a little around the living room and sat herself in the corner to poop. “Baby,” I said, attempting to impress Karen, “what’s four plus nine?” “Thirteen,” Baby said. “What’s four minus nine?” “Negative five,” Baby said. “Very good. What’s four times nine?” “I don’t know yet,” Baby said. “She doesn’t know her times tables yet,” I whispered to Karen. “Ned,” Karen said, and looked at me with her disturbed little frown, the way she had been looking at me the whole time Baby and I were solving math, “You’re the one who doesn’t know your times tables.” She’s always trying to make things seem like my fault. I never see her teaching Baby math functions, but she would never blame herself, would she?

August 8 — Baby and I went over to Steve’s house today. We looked through his windows. We saw a blinking light on the answering machine and a sweater that looked like Karen’s. Baby said, “Does this mean I am an orphan?” I said, “No, no, no, you just have a broken family.” We climbed a tree so that we might see down into windows without anyone seeing us, but the trees Steve has in and around his yard are particularly lush and it is impossible to see through the foliage.

August 10 — I woke up to Baby screaming hysterically from her room. I went to see her and she had crawled out of the crib and couldn’t figure out how to get back in. I picked her up and put her back in the crib and caressed her little head. “Am I the only one that loves you?” Baby said. “No, of course you aren’t,” I said. “Am I the only one in your life who it is possible to comfort?” she said. “No,” I said. “Absolutely not.” She shook her rattle absentmindedly and I could see that her knowledge of me was thorough, that she could tell I was lying, and that she didn’t feel sorry for me. “Well, ” I said. “Looks like Baby needs her first haircut.”

Sometimes I forget why I’m so negative and judgmental and then I remember.

I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me for a long time because he said he liked me too much and didn’t want to ruin anything.

When we finally had sex he put a finger in my butthole.

I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me because he was afraid of my libido. Just kidding. No one is afraid of my libido.

I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me because I laughed when he kissed me because he had really funny kissing technique.

I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me. When I broke up with him he asked for an explanation and I had to say that we were sexually incompatible. He said, “Oh.”

I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me but he would kiss me and get me naked and hold me down and make me swear I loved him.