Jesse Ball - A Cure for Suicide

The theater was very small. There were three rows of seats — maybe twenty could sit there. Then there was a small stage, about the size of a parlor. The actors took the money through the front door of the theater — there was an aperture, and gave you pieces of paper with a word on it. Each word matched a word on a sheet they had inside — and could be used once, so you couldn’t cheat and just write the word on other sheets to get more people in. Also, you wouldn’t want to. It cost almost nothing.

We had brought some cognac with us in a little metal flask and we got seats on the end of the first row. I had a fur coat then, and I was very proud of it. Often, I wouldn’t take it off. I would wear it under inconceivable conditions, just in order to be seen. I had gotten the coat at a very low price in a store because there was a hole in it where someone had been shot. Apparently this thrift store would get clothing from the police ministry — evidence clothing that was no longer necessary. Yes, someone had been shot in my fur coat, but I wore it anyway. That’s the sort of girl I was.

The lights dim. A man comes out in front of the screen that protects the stage from view. He is wearing a shirt and vest and wool trousers. He holds up a card that says, Cecil. Then he very deliberately moves the screen out of the way, revealing a small kitchen and a kitchen table. At the kitchen table sits a young woman. She is holding a sign that says, Lily. A buzzer goes off and both signs drop to the floor.

CECIL

When your husband returns, I swear I will…

LILY

He is not going to return.

She holds up a letter.

He says he has found a new life in Perugina. He will stay there forever.

Lily and Cecil dance happily all around the room. Someone plays the fiddle offstage.

CECIL

Then I shall make you my wife, and we will live happily forever.

LILY

But…

CECIL

But, what.

LILY

But, there is still the matter of the onion knife.

The two part and stand some feet away from one another.

CECIL

Oh, the damned onion knife. The onion knife. Why do you have to harp on it? Haven’t I given you enough things? Haven’t I done enough for you? And all it is with you is — the onion knife, the onion knife. You’re like a drooling madperson in an asylum, sitting by a freezing windowpane on a March morning, pressing the side of your face to the glass and muttering, onion knife, onion knife, onion knife.

LILY

You lost the onion knife. I told you, never touch the onion knife and then you went and lost it.

CECIL

I brought it to work with me. You gave me a lunch that day: a little piece of cheese, an old piece of bread, and a very small onion. I noticed that there was an onion in my lunch. I brought the onion knife with me.

LILY

And you did not bring it back.

LIGHTS

A Third Person Who Has Not Been Seen, Appears On Stage With A Piece of Paper That Says:

IT IS THE NEXT DAY

Lily comes in the front entrance of the theater. She makes her way over to the screen that again hides the set. She takes out a piece of paper and hammers it into the screen with a long nail. She goes further down and does it again and again. The paper cannot be read by the audience. She goes behind the screen.

Five minutes pass.

The front entrance of the theater opens. Cecil enters. He goes onto the stage and walks along the screen, stops. He peers at the paper in horror. He tears it down. He runs along tearing all the papers down. He turns to the audience. Tears are on his face. He composes himself and carefully removes the screen to reveal the kitchen again. Lily is sitting at the kitchen table, happily reading.

CECIL

Lily? Are you out of your mind?

Cecil runs to her, waving the paper.

LILY

No more than you.

CECIL

(almost weeping, reads from the paper)

Lily Caldwin has lost her onion knife. It has a serif G inset in the handle. It is worn but extremely sharp. Please return it to 3 Welton Rd. for a reward. That reward is: Lily Caldwin will lie down with you.

LILY

I think the onion knife will reappear pretty soon, don’t you?

CECIL

Lily? How could you? You won’t do it, will you?

LILY

Find the knife.

CECIL

I love you, Lily. You can’t do this. I lost the knife, but it shouldn’t be such a…

LILY

Find it.

A Third Person Who Has Not Been Seen, Appears On Stage With A Piece of Paper That Says:

IT IS THE NEXT DAY; CECIL DID NOT WANT TO GO OFF TO WORK BUT HAD TO; LILY IS THERE ALONE

A knock on the front door of the theater, another knock, another knock.

LILY

(from behind the screen)

Can someone get the door?

An audience member rises and gets the door. At the door is an older man, perhaps fifty, slightly fat. He enters, somewhat apologetically, looking at the crowd. He clearly sees the crowd, and bows to them. He is carrying an onion knife, which he holds up as if in explanation. He goes up on stage and knocks at the screen.

LILY

Come in.

The man moves the screen aside to reveal the set of the kitchen. The kitchen table has been pushed to one side, and there is a mattress laid out on the floor. The audience sits immediately before the stage, so the mattress is immediately before their eyes. Lily is lying on the mattress. She stands up.

Do you have the onion knife?

The man presents her with the onion knife. She leaps with glee. She runs about, back and forth, happily. She throws her arms around the man suddenly and then runs away again to put the onion knife into a wooden block that hangs from one wall. She admires it there.

MAN

There was the matter of…

LILY

Oh, yes.

She comes around to the front of the stage and helps the man off with his coat, which she places on the table. She helps him off with his vest and with his shirt. He sits down on the mattress. She removes his left shoe and right shoe. She removes his socks and his pants. She puts all these things on the table and then she comes to the front of the stage.

LILY

(with great joy)

The onion knife!

She unbuttons her dress slowly and removes it, setting it down by her feet. She removes the plain white underwear she is wearing and sets that, too, by her feet. She is completely naked, and possessed with a feverish sort of happiness.

The onion knife!

She turns from the audience to the man, and lies down with him on the mattress, where she fulfills her promise. The audience stays to watch or leaves, as they may prefer. The play is concluded.

— I KNEW THE GIRL, said Emma. Of course, I spoke to her about it later. The older man was actually her lover — in real life. He was also the director. The girl was the playwright, and the actress both. The husband from the play was just an actor they had found. This act of lovemaking in public, it might seem shocking now, but it wasn’t so much pornographic at that time as, well, it was revolutionary. It was a reclaiming of the body.

They sat in silence for a minute.