Miriam Toews - The Flying Troutmans

At our father’s funeral Min held my hand and whispered in my ear that she’d take care of me, that she’d make sure I was okay, that she’d be strong for both of us. I nodded yeah, great, thanks, does that caring come with a complimentary drowning, because didn’t you just try to…but no, I didn’t say that. But I did pull my hand out of hers and stick it in the waistband of my ugly dress so she wouldn’t try holding it again. I never doubted her conviction and her desire to be strong for both of us but I got this idea into my head that Min wanted me dead in order to protect me from some horrible danger in life that only she knew about, a fate worse than death, as they say. That she was, in fact, trying to take care of me. I wanted to ask her about that and have it all verified. But how do you begin a conversation like that? If she had come right out and said it, Hattie, I wish you were dead, I’d have nodded in acknowledgment. I’d have told her calmly that I knew it. And maybe, from that admission, we could have established a new way of being sisters. One that might have had me looking over my shoulder frequently but at least it would have been out in the open.

Logan and Thebes goofed around in the pool and I used our Frisbee to scoop a dead bird out of the shallow end when they weren’t looking. Logan was floating on his back with an empty plastic wineglass balanced on his stomach and Thebes was trying to fill it up with filthy pool water that she was squirting through her teeth. Then the hand-job girl came cannonballing into the pool from out of nowhere, or the parking lot, and bobbed over to Logan and Thebes.

Are y’all saved? she asked.

From what, yo? said Thebes. Logan ignored the girl and kept floating around on his back, balancing the glass.

The wrath of Christ, said the girl.

Oh, that, said Thebes. I don’t know if we all are saved. Let me put it to my bro. Logan? Are we all saved from the wrath of Christ?

I am the wrath of Christ, said Logan.

Oh, said Thebes. Hold up. I’ll ask my aunt. Hattie! she said. Are we all saved from the—?

Thebes, I said, shhhhh. Yeah, we are. Tell her we are.

Word, said Thebes. Yeah, we check out, she told the girl. Wanna play Keep It Up?

So they played together awhile and I tried not to let the whole thing disturb the hell out of me.

Later on Logan and Thebes fought about what to watch on TV and who should hold the remote and decided somewhat mutually on Nick at Nite and that nobody would hold the remote. I went to the lobby to make just a phone call to France. I knew he’d be in India but I just wanted to hear his voice on the answering machine. I was wrong, though.

Marc said hello.

Hey! I said.

Hey, he said. Oh, hi!

Aren’t you supposed to be in India?

Oh, yeah…well, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeeeahhh…

Oh man.

Hey…

No, really, I said. Why am I such a loser?

You’re not a loser, he said. Where are you?

I’m not sure.

Well…where are you?

I really don’t know, I said. South Dakota.

Wow.

How’s your centre?

What? he asked. What are you talking about?

Did you find it? I asked.

Hey…c’mon.

Hey…go fuck yourself.

You woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me…

I hung up and then phoned back. I’m sorry, I said.

No, no, he said. I had nothing to be sorry about. He was sorry. Really sorry. I started to cry. I listened to him tell me how beautiful and cool I was. Major kiss-off. It was so untrue. It was pathetic.

I really thought you were going to an ashram, I told him.

I really was going to, he said. Hey, can I put you on speaker?

No, don’t, I said, okay? Just…And then what happened?

Well, he said, now he was kind of seeing someone.

Yeah, I said. I rested my head against the phone booth. The woman behind the front desk was staring at me.

Yeah, he said. So…yeah. Yeah. Yeahyeahyeah yeah.

I couldn’t stop crying. I was trying to.

Hey, Hat, he said. We had a great time. We had a good run.

Yeah, I said. No bigger blast on earth.

We really did, he said.

Yeah. Neither one of us said anything for a while. Well, I said finally, I have to go back to the room.

What room? he said.

My motel room. I have to check on the kids.

What kids? he asked.

See you later, I whispered. Namaste.

Thebes wouldn’t let me back in the room. She thought it was hilarious. Please, please open the door, I said. I started to cry all over again.

I saw her eye through the peephole. Then the door whipped open and she said, Holy Moly, I’m just kidding around, Hattie, what’s wrong?

There’s no mini-bar in here, is there? I said, and then flung myself onto the bed and wept like Jesus and was sweetly consoled by my sister’s children there in that shit-ass motel room in the middle of nowhere.

I told them how pathetic I’d been, calling France just to hear a recorded voice and then being dumped all over again. Thebes wiped my forehead with a cool washcloth, something she said Min did for her when she was feeling sick, at least she used to, and told me a joke. How much does a polar bear weigh?

I don’t know, I said.

Enough to break the ice, hi, my name’s Thebes, can I buy you a drink?

Logan said, That’s not a joke, that’s a lame pickup line. Then he said, Relationships, man…life is easy compared to relationships. Wanna smoke a joint?

Ater-lay, I told him.

Hey, said Thebes, I’m the one who invented Pig Latin. She pointed her finger at Logan. And don’t forget, little man, you need pot to spell impotent . She stared hard at him and he told her to shut up, but he was laughing. I told Logan it was really stupid to bring pot, not to mention knives, across the border and he said he hadn’t brought pot across the border, he’d got it from the girl in the pool. I didn’t know when that had happened. Kids are sneaky.

Thebes sang “Happiness Is a Warm Gun.” And then we all fell asleep together in the saggy stained bed while reruns of Laverne and Shirley and The Odd Couple droned on all night long and rats raided our cooler during breaks from relay-racing in the walls. I decided we’d look for partial rather than total dives from now on.

I WOKE UP BEFORE THE KIDS and noticed that Thebes had left a small silver notebook by the bed. Logan had covered himself up completely with his blanket. I couldn’t see him but I could hear him snoring softly, humming, like a little airplane lost in the clouds. I picked up Thebes’s notebook.

Road trip. First day. We are in America. I’ve been profiled at the border as a retard, by Logan. They still let me in. Hattie is sad about her boyfriend in Paris. He doesn’t like her any more. Logan told her Internet dating was making a comeback and I told her to try to meet a whale, they mate for life. Ha ha. Logan hit me in the face with the Frisbee. The good thing is we’re all saved. I miss you. I love you. I won’t forget the important things.

I went to the lobby again and phoned the hospital and asked to speak to Min. The nurse said that wouldn’t be possible right then…could they give her a message? Why isn’t it possible? I asked.

Are you family? she said.

Yeah, I’m her sister, I said. The woman didn’t think she had the authority to talk about Min’s situation right then, but I could leave my number and she would get the doctor to call me back later in the day after rounds.

Well, I said, I’m not…I don’t have a number. I’m at a pay phone.

Well, said the woman, will you be able to be reached later on in the day?