Bob Odenkirk - A Load of Hooey

One-time only. Got it.

Are you sure?

“Pretty sure.” Like, how sure? Is there a twenty percent chance that you would raise me up again? Fifteen? No? Ten? Three? Less than three percent? No chance. Okay. Wow. That’s…

No, I understand. I’m not disappointed, per se…I may not want to keep coming back to life, but…what if I ask? I mean, what if I asked you to raise me from the dead, you know, as I’m dying?

Still a no. Wow, you’re pretty committed to this. Okay. I mean — it seems a bit unfair. Just, I already died once, it wasn’t pleasant, now I get to do it again. I’m not complaining, but…

What’s that? If I believe in you I will live forever? So, then I won’t die?

Oh, so you’re saying “figuratively” I will live…in some heaven, somewhere? What’s that like? What happens there?

So it’s sort of a limbo place where everyone sings your praises all day and night? Hmm…yeah, well, no, I get why you think it’s a pretty great place. It sounds…

My dead relatives will all be there? Are you trying to make it sound less attractive? Anyway, thanks again for…you know— that one time , and I guess I’ll see you around, ’kay?

[ LAZARUS walks away, thoughtful, but gets only a short way before he turns around and runs up to Jesus with a big grin on his face —]

Hold up a second — I get what you’re doing here! Last time I died I was dead for four days before you raised me up! You wanted me to think it was going to go on forever! Then you popped in and Boom! I’m up! What are you going to do this time? Make me wait five days? Tssss… You’re prankin’ me! You’re hustling my ass!

Oh — you really mean it, you’re NOT going to raise me up again? I don’t believe you, man…I can see your smile — you don’t fool me. Nice one…nice try.

[ LAZARUS winks and walks away, nodding his head and grinning. Jesus stares at the ground, shaking his head .]

Afresh new Dead Sea Scroll was discovered and deciphered last year, and some fascinating facts about the historical figure of Jesus have come to light.

1. Jesus Christ went by the name Jesus and was only called “Geez” by his closest friends.

2. He NEVER used the name Jesus H. Christ as we know it. However, there are documents signed “Holy Christ” and “Christ Almighty.” There is no record of him appearing under the moniker “Jesus Christ Almighty” or “Gee Whiz.”

3. He once hosted a comedy-benefit-revue-style show for lepers where he appeared in drag as “Geez Louise.”

“ A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous . Oh, and shallow — really, really shallow.”

— Coco Chanel

“A tattoo is forever.” —Steven Hawkings*

FIRST, PAUSE!

It’s true: a tattoo, drawn in permanent ink, will stay on your body forever, so you need to make the RIGHT CHOICE. You need time to think about the possibilities, contemplate what has meaning for you, and consider how the image will age with you in time. With this in mind, we have the three criteria you should follow for tattoo hunting:

1. Do Not Be in a Hurry.

2. Do Not Be Drunk.

3. Do Not Be Drunk and in a Hurry.

These are simple directives, but if you cannot follow them, we understand. It’s very common for these simple rules to be discarded in the face of the notion of getting a permanent tattoo permanently drilled into your skin forever and ever.

So, you’re set on it, are you? You are getting a tattoo, and you’re drunk, and you have to do it right now? Fine. Glad I made that first list. Onward.

MAKE A LIST OF THINGS YOU LOVE!

You need to make a list of things you love. These cannot be things you love today, or this week, or even this year. These must be things you’ve loved for a long, long time. Below is an example list. This is not necessarily the list you would make, but it’s close enough so that you can use it, since you’re drunk and in a hurry.

Example Tattoo List:

1. Mom (yours)

2. Favorite movie (e.g., The Big Lebowski )

3. Girlfriend’s name (e.g., “Jane”)

4. Favorite rock band (e.g., “RUSH”)

5. Favorite album/year (e.g., 2112 )

6. Celtic/yin-yang design

7. Something you like, have always liked, and will always like (e.g., “A Piece of Chocolate Cake”)

Let’s look closer at your list.

First of all, “Mom,” the classic, made popular by men who’d spent time in the trenches of WWI and its sequel, WWII: Germany Doubles Down . These men made wise choices, getting tattoos that reminded them of their mothers — the only women who truly loved them. Keep in mind, this was the early part of last century, so these were stay-at-home moms. Nowadays Mom has to work to keep the family in two cars and wireless devices (and a house), so we justifiably feel far less affection for her. Scratch Mom off the list.

The second one — favorite movie. Here you might choose to get the name of the movie tattooed, or a character — like the popular character of the Dude from The Big Lebowski . This will always remind you of a lazy stoner guy who made you smile whenever he was on screen. Here’s the rub; if you get this tattoo, then people will always be playing this movie for you — at every birthday, at your bachelor (or bachelorette) party, on Father’s Day. No movie can withstand this kind of scrutiny, believe me. I know a guy with an image of Napoleon Dynamite on his forearm and he’s constantly asked if he “still loves that movie,” to which he always grins and says, “Leave me alone.”

This same logic can be applied to the next two tattoo possibilities on your list: you favorite rock band and/or album. Your taste will change as you grow older. You may even stop listening to music completely as you turn fifty and become enamored of talk radio and the rantings of your favorite pundit, or when your “favorite” band reunites for “one last tour” and you pay too much to see them and they just sound like crap, and Neal Peart looks like the angry neighbor who called the cops on you when you were a teenager. I promise you will get sick of your favorite music right now, no matter how much you like it. However, you can always get a tattoo of “Weird Al” Yankovic, as he’s a “perennial”—and thanks to his ironic dimension, he remains relevant forever.

Do not get a Celtic symbol or a yin-yang design. They just become wallpaper. People won’t even ask you about them. What good is a tattoo if it evokes nothing from people around you? It has to be a statement of some kind. You’re not that drunk, are you?

Finally, something you love, always have, and always will. “A Piece of Chocolate Cake.” Is this a legit tattoo? I’ve never seen it done, but here’s what I know. Everyone likes chocolate, and everyone likes cake. People like chocolate cake even if they’ve just finished eating a piece of chocolate cake. Children like it, alienated teenagers like it, and old people love it. Wherever you are, people will see your tattoo and immediately feel connected to you! Every time you look in the mirror and see it, you will ask yourself, “Why did I get this? Oh, right — I LOVE chocolate cake! I should get a piece right now! Thanks, tattoo!”

So, it’s settled then. You are getting a tattoo of either “Weird Al” Yankovic or the words A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE. (Between you and me, I hope you’ll get the cake one — it’ll make me laugh.)