Bob Odenkirk - A Load of Hooey

The ab on the upper right is taut and sinewy thanks to middle school. Specifically, the effort of trying to get my two kids placed in a top-notch middle school. Filling out forms, attending open houses, prepping for interviews, taking the entrance exams — it’s a lot of work, and I am there every step of the way, standing behind them, leaning over their shoulders, looking down (that’s what tightens the ab), swallowing hard (also good for the ab), and clenching and unclenching my fists (good for the fists). Thanks, kids — Dad loves you and Dad loves the ab you’ve given him.

The middle-right ab bulges handsomely thanks to talk radio. I simply tune in to conservative talkers when I am driving, and my screaming at the host tightens this ab for an extended, uninterrupted rep. Plus, disagreeing with someone on the radio gives me that powerless, overwhelmed feeling I’ve become addicted to. It’s better than a drug, because you get the abs!

The upper-left ab pops out impressively from the effort of lugging five-gallon water jugs into our kitchen. Actually, the lugging does nothing for the ab; it’s the part where you have to tip the full jug and place its spout into the dispensing reservoir, without spilling, that strains and sculpts this beautiful ab. The short moment of dread focuses tension on this ab like a ray gun. Afterward, slipping on the spilled water can be great for a whole-body clench.

The middle ab on the left (not my left, your left, if you are looking at me) is called Terrence. It’s a dignified ab. It tenses each time I read an op-ed article about global warming. The article’s point of view is immaterial; simply being reminded that I can do nothing to stop the horrific future of floods and catastrophe gives this ab a taut yank that lingers, burning calories in my well-creased forehead at the same time. Best to do right before bed, as the accompanying nightmares keep those abs pumping into the early-morning hours!

The bottom-right ab, the biggest of all the abs — and therefore the most impressive — is from not having sex. This ab is always quietly tensed. Has been for years now. Can you imagine the Dalai Lama’s lower right ab? Must be huge. I, however, did not take a vow of chastity, so it would be a sad situation, if it didn’t yield such an amazing ab.

The bottom ab on the left is harder to explain, but I believe that this ab is simply self-aware. It quivers with tension at all times, even more so when I am supposed to be relaxing, and I believe it is searching for a sense of purpose for itself and no answer is forthcoming. Nothing works this ab like a vacation. The aimless uncertainty, the absence of all deadlines, tightens and sculpts like nothing else. After ten days in Hawaii, this ab looks amazing.

Finally, you’ve got to appreciate my extra abs. That’s right, I have two abs more than most people. They are in my lower back, and, I’ll admit it, they were put there by my Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. I was told that they are the latest thing. God, I hope so. They hurt like hell.

“ There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship , but one of those heated bathroom floors? That comes close — real close.”

— Thomas Aquinas

In a sad, generic meeting room, five prisoners sit in their faded orange jumpsuits, rough characters all. In this California federal prison, they are mostly Latino. A fellow prisoner strides in with heavy energy and a shredded face. His imposing size adds to a sense of his own gravity. He is Placidio, their Director, and he is the big dog in this pack — not to be messed with! They, the prisoners, are in a theater group. What else is there to do — it’s prison!

Placidio unnecessarily silences the already silent group.

PLACIDIO

Okay, motherfuckers, shut the hell up!

( beat )

Now I want to congratulate you all on

an excellent production of Steamboat last

Friday. The reviews are in: you’re the hit

of the whole prison, but before you get

swell heads, I want to tell you your prize:

you have to take on Shakespeare!! The

immortal Bard! Every prisoner’s challenge:

the language, the passions, the intellect!

No reaction from the assembled. They’re not sure how to take this. Some smell a challenge. No one high-fives .

PLACIDIO (CONT’D)

Now, before you go high-fiving, because

you were all so great in the last production,

I’m going to let you pick which play

you get to do.

LUIS

Uhhh, any Shakespeare play?

PLACIDIO

Any one at all. The challenge of a

lifetime…you lifers!

LUIS

Well, I guess it’s hard to choose. There’s

so many…

Suddenly, in the back of the room, ROBERT speaks up. Robert is a white-collar criminal, only here due to spillover at the “country club” prison up the road …

ROBERT

Placidio has issued us a challenge. I have

not been the most vocal of inmates, but if

you’ll allow me to speak as a used-to-be

patron of the arts, I’d say, if I had to vote,

I’d vote for…Shakespeare in the Park.

The other prisoners aren’t sure about Robert, but we can see his suggestion has an immediate attraction to them .

RAFALIO

Sounds good to me.

RANDALL

Yeah, I like that one best.

There is general agreement all around, but before this wildfire can catch wind, Placidio wants to clarify his intent …

PLACIDIO

Okay, well, maybe you don’t understand

the question so good, but which of the

great Shakespeare’s plays would you

choose to do?

ROBERT

I understood you perfectly — I am a

great aficionado of the Bard, and I would

propose we take on In the Park . That one.

Its full name is Shakespeare in the Park .

The other prisoners, who’ve never given a second look to Robert, are suddenly on his side in a big way. Their energy gathers in a restless mummering, but they silence when Placidio puts up his hand —

PLACIDIO

Wait, motherfuckers, wait! There’s no

such thing, man. I don’t think…

ROBERT

Uh, indeed there is. I saw it many years

ago. More than once. It was great. They

performed it outside, just as Shakespeare

intended!

Rafalio, no friend of Robert’s (he tried to kill Robert once…a day, for the past four years), is suddenly on his enemy’s side —

RAFALIO

Yeah, I’ve heard of it. The best play ol’

Bill Shakespeare ever wrote.

EDDIE

I know it, too! Shakespeare in the Park!

They do it every year in my hometown.

New York.

Placidio hesitates, he is not on firm footing here —

PLACIDIO

Okay, slow down, look…you mean, you

saw a Shakespeare play , like Othello , or

Richard the Third , or Hamlet …IN THE

PARK. Right? Yeah?

LUIS

I don’t know about that…it was just

called Shakespeare in the Park when

I saw it.

Charlie, thirty-four and obese, with fine features and extensive facial tattoos, completely out of his league, suddenly butts in —

CHARLIE

( growing more sure of himself as he speaks )

Yeah, me too…I saw that play, too. Yeah.

I loved it. I love Shakespeare, all of him,

but this one…yes, is his best.

LUIS

Yeah, man, it had everything.