Jane Bowles - My Sister's Hand in Mine - The Collected Works of Jane Bowles

“I think those are water lilies around that peacock,” said Andy, “But a peacock is supposed to have thousands of colors in him, isn’t he? Multicolored, isn’t that the point of a peacock? This one’s all blue.”

“Well,” said Miss Goering, “perhaps it is nicer this way.”

They left the lobby and went up some ugly iron steps. Andy lived on the first floor. There was a terrible odor in the hall, which he told her never went away.

“They’re cooking in there for ten people,” he said, “all day long. They all work at different hours of the day; half of them don’t see the other half at all, except on Sundays and holidays.”

Andy’s apartment was very hot and stuffy. The furniture was brown and none of the cushions appeared to fit the chairs properly.

“Here’s journey’s end,” said Andy. “Make yourself at home. I’m going to take off some of my clothes.” He returned in a minute wearing a bathrobe made of some very cheap material. Both ends of his bathrobe cords had been partially chewed away.

“What happened to your bathrobe cords?” Miss Goering asked him.

“My dog chewed them away.”

“Oh, have you a dog?” she asked him.

“Once upon a time I had a dog and a future, and a girl,” he said, “but that is no longer so.”

“Well, what happened?” Miss Goering asked, throwing her shawl off her shoulders and mopping her forehead with her handkerchief. The steam heat had already begun to make her sweat, particularly as she had not been used to central heating for some time.

“Let’s not talk about my life,” said Andy, putting his hand up like a traffic officer. “Let’s have some drinks instead.”

“All right, but I certainly think we should talk about your life sooner or later,” said Miss Goering. All the while she was thinking that she would allow herself to go home within an hour. “I consider,” she said to herself, “that I have done quite well for my first night.” Andy was standing up and pulling his bathrobe cord tighter around the waist.

“I was,” he said, “engaged to be married to a very nice girl who worked. I loved her as much as a man can love a woman. She had a smooth forehead, beautiful blue eyes, and not so good teeth. Her legs were something to take pictures of. Her name was Mary and she got along with my mother. She was a plain girl with an ordinary mind and she used to get a tremendous kick out of life. Sometimes we used to have dinner at midnight just for the hell of it and she used to say to me: ‘Imagine us, walking down the street at midnight to have our dinner. Just two ordinary people. Maybe there isn’t any sanity.’ Naturally, I didn’t tell her that there were plenty of people like the people who live down the hall in 5D who eat dinner at midnight, not because they are crazy, but because they’ve got jobs that cause them to do so, because then maybe she wouldn’t have got so much fun out of it. I wasn’t going to spoil it and tell her that the world wasn’t crazy, that the world was medium fair; and I didn’t know either that a couple of months later her sweetheart was going to become one of the craziest people in it.”

The veins in Andy’s forehead were beginning to bulge, his face was redder, and the wings of his nostrils were sweaty.

“All this must really mean something to him,” thought Miss Goering.

“Often I used to go into an Italian restaurant for dinner; it was right around the corner from my house; I knew mostly all the people that ate there, and the atmosphere was very convivial. There were a few of us who always ate together. I always bought the wine because I was better fixed than most of them. Then there were a couple of old men who ate there, but we never bothered with them. There was one man too who wasn’t so old, but he was solitary and didn’t mix in with the others. We knew he used to be in the circus, but we never found out what kind of a job he had there or anything. Then one night, the night before he brought her in, I happened to be gazing at him for no reason on earth and I saw him stand up and fold his newspaper into his pocket, which was peculiar-looking because he hadn’t finished his dinner yet. Then he turned towards us and coughed like he was clearing his throat.

“‘Gentlemen,’ he said, ‘I have an announcement to make.’ I had to quiet the boys because he had such a thin little voice you could hardly hear what he was saying.

“‘I am not going to take much of your time,’ he continued, like someone talking at a big banquet, ‘but I just want to tell you and you’ll understand why in a minute. I just want to tell you that I’m bringing a young lady here tomorrow night and without any reservations I want you all to love her: This lady, gentleman, is like a broken doll. She has neither arms nor legs.’ Then he sat down very quietly and started right in eating again.”

“How terribly embarrassing!” said Miss Goering. “Dear me, what did you answer to that?”

“I don’t remember,” said Andy, “I just remember that it was embarrassing like you say and we didn’t feel that he had to make the announcement anyway.

“She was already in her chair the next night when we got there; nicely made up and wearing a very pretty, clean blouse pinned in front with a brooch shaped like a butterfly. Her hair was marcelled too and she was a natural blonde. I kept my ear cocked and I heard her telling the little man that her appetite got better all the time and that she could sleep fourteen hours a day. After that I began to notice her mouth. It was like a rose petal or a heart or some kind of a little shell. It was really beautiful. Then right away I started to wonder what she would be like; the rest of her, you understand — without any legs.” He stopped talking and walked around the room once, looking up at his walls.

“It came into my mind like an ugly snake, this idea, and curled there to stay. I looked at her head so little and so delicate against the dark grimy wall and it was the apple of sin that I was eating for the first time.”

“Really for the first time?” said Miss Goering. She looked bewildered and was lost in thought for a moment.

“From then on I thought of nothing else but finding out; every other thought left my head.”

“And before what were your thoughts like?” Miss Goering asked him a little maliciously. He didn’t seem to hear her.

“Well, this went on for some time — the way I felt about her. I was seeing Belle, who came to the restaurant often, after that first night, and I was seeing Mary too. I got friendly with Belle. There was nothing special about her. She loved wine and I actually used to pour it down her throat for her. She talked a little bit too much about her family and was a little good. Not exactly religious, but a little too full of the milk of human kindness sort of thing. It grew and grew, this terrible curiosity or desire of mine until finally my mind started to wander when I was with Mary and I couldn’t sleep with her any more. She was swell all the way through it, though, patient as a lamb. She was much too young to have such a thing happen to her. I was like a horrible old man or one of those impotent kings with a history of syphilis behind him.”

“Did you tell your sweetheart what was getting on your nerves?” asked Miss Goering, trying to hurry him up a bit.

“I didn’t tell her because I wanted the buildings to stay in place for her and I wanted the stars to be over her head and not cockeyed — I wanted her to be able to walk in the park and feed the birdies in years to come with some other fine human being hanging onto her arm. I didn’t want her to have to lock something up inside of her and look out at the world through a nailed window. It was not long before I went to bed with Belle and got myself a beautiful case of syphilis, which I spent the next two years curing. I took to bowling along about then and I finally left my mother’s house and my work and came out to No-man’s Land. I can live in this apartment all right on a little money that I get from a building I own down in the slums of the city.”