Toshikazu Kawaguchi - Before the Coffee Gets Cold

Miki said nothing. Instead, she looked at Kei as if she didn’t like her reaction and rushed towards the back room. At that moment, the man poked his head out from the kitchen.

‘Miki, are you OK?’ he called, but Miki ignored him and vanished into the back room.

‘Hello, welcome!’

A woman entered the cafe just as the man offered his greeting. She was wearing a short-sleeved white blouse, black trousers, and a wine-red apron. She must have been running in the hot sun as she was out of breath and sweating profusely.

‘Ah!’ Kei recognized her. Or at least, she was still recognizable.

Looking at the panting woman, though, Kei got a real sense that fifteen years had passed. It was Fumiko Kiyokawa, the woman who just earlier that day had asked Kei if she was OK. Fumiko had had a slim build then but now she was quite round.

Fumiko noticed that Miki wasn’t there. ‘Where is Miki?’ she asked the man.

She must have known that Kei was going to come at this time today. She had that sense of urgency. The man was obviously flustered by her tone.

‘In the back,’ he answered. He still didn’t understand what was going on.

‘Why?’ she asked as she slapped her hand on the counter.

‘What?’ he said unapologetically. He started rubbing the scar above his right eyebrow, confused as to why he was being blamed.

‘I don’t believe this,’ she sighed, glaring at the man. But she didn’t want to waste time on accusations. She was already at fault for being late for such an important event.

‘So you’re looking after the cafe?’ Kei asked in a weak voice.

‘Uh, yeah,’ Fumiko answered, looking directly at her. ‘Did you talk to Miki?’

It was a straightforward enough question that Kei felt uncomfortable answering. She just looked down.

‘Did you have a proper talk?’ Fumiko pressed.

‘Oh, I don’t know…’ Kei mumbled.

‘I’ll go and call her.’

‘No, it’s OK!’ Kei said more clearly, halting Fumiko, who was already making her way to the back room.

‘Why do you say that?’

‘It’s enough,’ Kei said with a struggle. ‘We saw each other’s faces.’

‘Oh, come on.’

‘She didn’t seem like she wanted to meet…’

‘Oh, she does so!’ Fumiko said, contradicting Kei. ‘Miki has really wanted to meet you. She has been looking forward to this day for so long…’

‘I just think I must have caused her so much sadness.’

‘Of course there have been times when she’s been down.’

‘I thought as much…’

Kei reached out for the coffee cup. Fumiko saw her doing it.

‘So you’re just going to go back and leave things as they are?’ she said, realizing she was failing to convince her to stay.

‘Could you just tell her that I said I’m sorry…’

At Kei’s words Fumiko’s expression turned suddenly grim. ‘But that’s… but I don’t think you mean that. Do you regret giving birth to Miki? Can’t you see that saying sorry can only mean that it was your mistake to have her?’

I haven’t given birth to her yet. I haven’t. But I have no second thoughts about my decision to do so.

On seeing Kei clearly shake her head in response, Fumiko said, ‘Let me call Miki.’

Kei couldn’t reply.

‘I’ll go and get her.’

Fumiko didn’t wait for Kei to reply. She simply disappeared into the back room, well aware that time was of the essence.

‘Hey, Fumiko,’ said the man as he followed her into the back room.

Oh, what am I to do?

Left alone in the cafe, Kei stared at the coffee in front of her.

Fumiko is right. But that just seems to make it more difficult to know what to say.

Then Miki appeared; Fumiko had her hands on her shoulders.

Rather than at Kei, Miki’s eyes were directed at the floor.

‘Come on, sweetie, don’t waste this moment,’ Fumiko said.

Miki…

Kei meant to speak her name out loud, but no voice came.

‘OK then,’ Fumiko said, lifting her hands from Miki’s shoulders. She looked quickly at Kei and then retreated to the back room.

Even after Fumiko had gone, Miki continued to look down at the floor in silence.

I’m going to have to say something…

Kei removed her hand from the cup and took a breath. ‘So. Are you well?’ she asked.

Miki lifted her head a little and looked at Kei. ‘Yes,’ she said in a quiet, tentative voice.

‘You help out here?’

‘Yeah.’

Miki’s answers were blunt and monosyllabic. Kei was finding it difficult to continue talking.

‘Both Nagare and Kazu are in Hokkaido?’

‘Yeah.’

Miki continued to avoid looking at Kei’s face. Each time she answered, she spoke a little more softly. There didn’t seem to be much she wanted to talk about.

Without giving it much thought, Kei asked, ‘Why did you stay here?’

Oops…

Kei regretted asking the question the moment it left her lips. When she realized that she hoped to hear Miki say that it was so she could meet her, she knew how insensitive such a forthright question must have sounded. She looked down in embarrassment.

But then Miki spoke. ‘Well, you see,’ she began in her soft voice, ‘I make the coffee for the people in that seat.’

‘Make the coffee?’

‘Yeah, like Kazu always did.’

‘Oh.’

‘It’s my job now.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah.’

But there the flow of conversation abruptly ended. Miki didn’t seem to know what else to say and turned her gaze downwards. Kei was unable to find any words to say next, but there was one thing she wanted to ask.

Bringing you into this world was the only thing that I did for you. Can you forgive me for that?

But how could she expect to receive such forgiveness? She had caused so much sadness.

Miki’s reaction made Kei feel she had been selfish to come. Finding it increasingly difficult to look at her, Kei looked down at the coffee before her.

The surface of the coffee filling the cup was ever so slightly trembling. There was no longer any rising steam. Judging by the temperature of the cup, it would soon be time for her to leave.

What was it that I came here to do? Was there any point in my coming from the future? It all seems so pointless now. The only thing that has come from it is more suffering for Miki. When I return to the past, no matter how I try, it won’t change Miki’s unhappiness. That cannot be changed. Take Kohtake, for instance, she returned to the past, but it didn’t cure Fusagi. And likewise, Hirai wasn’t able to stop her sister from dying.

Kohtake got to receive her letter, while Hirai met her sister. Fusagi’s illness is still worsening and Hirai will never see her sister again.

It’s the same for me as well. There is nothing I can do that will change the fifteen years that Miki has spent in sadness.

Although she had been granted her wish of visiting the future, she still felt utter despair.

‘Well, I can’t let the coffee go cold…’ Kei said as she reached out and took the coffee cup.

Time to go back.

But at that moment she heard footsteps approaching. Miki had walked right up to her.

She put the cup back on the table and looked directly at her daughter.

Miki…

Kei didn’t know what Miki was thinking. But she couldn’t take her eyes away from her face. Miki was standing so close, she could touch her.

Miki took a deep breath. ‘Just before…’ she said with a trembling voice. ‘When you said to Fumiko that I didn’t want to meet… It’s not like that.’

Kei listened, hanging on every word.