Toshikazu Kawaguchi - Before the Coffee Gets Cold

‘Coffee, please.’

‘Oh!… Sorry.’

Fusagi obviously had read the mood and had been biting his tongue, waiting to make his request. His prompt for coffee brought Kazu back from her daze. She had been so caught up with Kei, she still hadn’t served Fusagi his coffee.

The day ended with this heavy mood still lingering.

Since becoming pregnant, whenever she was free, Kei would talk to the baby. At four weeks, it was a bit early to be calling it a baby, but that didn’t deter her. In the morning she would start with ‘good morning’, and while calling Nagare ‘Papa’, she would set out to explain the events of the day. She found these imaginary conversations with her baby the highlight of any day.

‘Can you see? It’s your papa!’

‘My father?’

‘ Yes! ’

‘He’s huge!’

‘Yes, but he doesn’t only have a huge body. He has a huge heart as well! He is a very kind, loving papa.’

‘That’s good! I can’t wait.’

‘Papa and Mama can’t wait to see you either, my love!’

So went these conversations in which – of course – Kei played both roles. But the sad reality was that Kei’s condition was worsening as her pregnancy progressed. At five weeks, a sac has formed inside the uterus and inside there is the embryo, measuring one or two millimetres. This is when the baby’s heartbeat becomes detectable. From this point organs begin to form quickly: eyes, ears, and mouth develop; the stomach, intestines, lungs, pancreas, cerebral nerves, and aorta are formed; the hands and feet begin to protrude. All this early foetal development was taking a toll on Kei’s physical condition.

She was also getting hot flushes yet felt like she had a fever. The hormones that her body was producing in order to create the placenta were making her feel lethargic and subject to strong waves of sudden drowsiness. The pregnancy affected her mood, which would swing from one extreme to another. She would have periods of anxiety, short bursts of anger, and then feel depressed. There were times when some things seemed to taste different from normal.

Despite this, however, she never once complained. Conditioned by her regular spells in hospital since childhood, she never complained about her physical ailments.

But over the course of the last couple of days, her condition had rapidly grown worse. Two days earlier, Nagare had taken advantage of a brief moment alone with her primary doctor to demand more information. The doctor had confided in him.

‘ Frankly, your wife’s heart may be unable to withstand childbirth. Morning sickness will begin from the sixth week. If she gets a bad bout of morning sickness, she will need to be hospitalized. If she chooses to have the baby, she has to realize that the possibility that both she and her child will survive is very low. Even if she and her baby survive the birth, it would take a tremendous toll on her body. She must understand that it will definitely reduce her lifespan.’

He added, ‘Normally, terminations are performed between six and twelve weeks. In your wife’s case, should she choose to end the pregnancy, it should be done as early as possible…’

After returning home, Nagare confronted Kei, telling her everything that had been said. After he had finished, Kei simply nodded.

‘ I know ,’ was all she said.

After closing the cafe, Nagare sat alone at the counter. The room was lit only by the wall lamps. On the counter, several small paper cranes were lined up – made by Nagare from a folded paper napkin. The only sound that could be heard inside the cafe was the ticking of the wall clocks. The only things moving were Nagare’s hands.

Although the bell rang out, Nagare showed no reaction. He just placed the paper crane he had finished folding on the counter with the rest. Kohtake walked into the cafe. She had dropped by on her way home from work because she was worried about Kei.

Nagare, who was staring at the paper cranes on the counter, nodded his head slightly.

Kohtake stood at the cafe’s entrance. ‘How’s Kei doing?’ she asked. She had found out that she was pregnant early on, but she had never thought it would cause her to deteriorate so rapidly. She looked just as worried as she had earlier that day.

Nagare didn’t answer straight away. He took a single napkin and began folding it.

‘She’s managing somehow,’ he said.

Kohtake sat down at the counter leaving a seat between them.

Nagare scratched the tip of his nose. ‘Sorry to cause so much worry,’ he said, nodding apologetically as he looked over at her.

‘You don’t have to worry about that… but shouldn’t she be in hospital?’

‘I told her she should, but she won’t listen.’

‘Yes, but…’

He finished folding the paper crane and stared at it.

‘I was against her having the baby,’ he muttered in a faint voice. If the cafe hadn’t been so small and quiet, Kohtake wouldn’t have heard it. ‘But nothing will change her mind,’ he said, looking at Kohtake with a slight smile and then looking down.

He had told Kei that he ‘was against’ their having the baby but that was as far as he would go. He could say neither ‘Don’t have it’ nor ‘I want you to have it.’ He couldn’t choose between them, choosing Kei over the baby or choosing the baby over Kei.

Kohtake didn’t know what to say. She looked up at the ceiling fan that was rotating gently.

‘That’s tough,’ she agreed.

Kazu came out from the back room.

‘Kazu…’ Kohtake whispered.

But Kazu averted her gaze from Kohtake and looked at Nagare. She wasn’t her normal unreadable self: she seemed sad and despondent.

‘How is she?’ Nagare asked.

Kazu looked towards the back room. Nagare followed her eyes and saw Kei slowly approaching. Her complexion was still white and she walked a little unsteadily, but she seemed to be in much more control. She walked behind the counter and stood in front of Nagare looking at him, but he didn’t look back. Instead, he simply stared at the paper cranes on the counter. As neither Nagare nor Kei spoke, the silence between them grew more awkward by the minute. Kohtake felt unable to move.

Kazu went into the kitchen and began to make coffee. She placed the filter in the funnel and poured hot water from the kettle into the flask. As everything was so quiet in the cafe, it was easy to tell what she was doing, even though she was out of sight. Soon the contents of the flask began to boil, and a gurgling sound of hot water ascending the funnel could be heard. After a few minutes the aroma of fresh coffee filled the cafe. As if roused by the aroma, Nagare looked up.

‘I’m sorry, Nagare,’ Kei mumbled.

‘What for?’ Nagare asked, staring at the paper cranes.

‘I’ll go to the hospital tomorrow.’

‘…’

‘I’ll get admitted.’ Kei said each word to herself as if trying to make peace with something she was still wrestling with. ‘To be honest, once I go into hospital, I don’t imagine I’ll ever come home again. It’s a decision I have been unable to make…’

‘I see.’ Nagare clenched his fists tightly.

Kei lifted her chin and stared with her large round eyes into space. ‘But it seems I can’t go on like this any longer,’ she said as her eyes filled with tears.

Nagare listened quietly.

‘There’s only so much my body can take…’

Kei placed her hands on her stomach, which had yet to expand even an inch. ‘It looks like giving birth to this child will take my all…’ she said with a knowing smile. It seemed that when it came to her body, she knew better than anyone.

‘That’s why…’

Nagare looked at her with his narrow eyes. ‘OK,’ was all that he could reply. ‘Kei, darling…’