Toshikazu Kawaguchi - Before the Coffee Gets Cold

Kumi couldn’t let it go unremarked. ‘So tell me the truth, what’s happened?’ she asked with a worried look.

‘Huh? What do you mean?’

‘Come on, you’re acting all weird.’

‘You think?’

‘Has something happened?’

‘No… nothing like that,’ Hirai said, trying to sound natural.

The awkwardness and worry in Kumi’s look made Hirai feel like it was her who was living her final hours, like someone in a sentimental television drama suddenly redeeming herself in the face of death. She felt her eyes redden at the cruel irony. She wasn’t the one who was going to die. Overwhelmed by a wave of emotion, she could no longer maintain eye contact and lowered her gaze.

‘Here we go…’ Kei appeared with the coffee just in time.

Hirai quickly lifted her face again.

‘Thank you,’ Kumi said, politely nodding.

‘Not at all.’ Kei placed the coffee on the table, gave a little bow, and returned to behind the counter.

The flow of conversation had been interrupted. Hirai was lost for words. Ever since Kumi had appeared in the cafe, Hirai had wanted to hug her tightly and yell, ‘ Don’t die! ’ The effort alone of not saying this was keeping her busy.

As the pause in the conversation grew longer, Kumi began to get restless. She was fidgeting out of discomfort. Bending a letter pad she held on her lap, she kept glancing at the ticking wall clock. Hirai could see what she was thinking by how she was behaving.

Kumi was choosing her words carefully. Looking down, she was rehearsing in her head what she wanted to say. Of course the request in itself was simple – Please come home . But articulating this was a struggle.

It was so hard to say because every time she’d raised it over the last several years, Hirai had flatly refused, and the more she had repeatedly declined and refused, the colder she had become. Kumi had never given up, no matter how many times her sister refused, but she never got used to hearing no . Each time she heard it, it hurt her – and it made her sad.

When Hirai thought about how hard it must have been for Kumi to have been made to feel this way again and again, the tension in her chest felt like it had reached breaking point and snapped. For so long, Kumi had had to bear these feelings. At that moment, she was imagining that Hirai would once again refuse, and naturally, this left her at a loss. Each time, she battled tenaciously to find courage. But she never gave up, ever. She looked up and stared directly and boldly into Hirai’s eyes. Hirai didn’t look away; she looked directly back at Kumi, who took a short breath and was about to speak.

‘OK, I don’t mind coming home,’ Hirai replied.

Technically it wasn’t a reply because Kumi hadn’t said anything yet. But Hirai had known all too well what she was going to ask and so responded to what she expected her to say: ‘ I want you to come home! ’

Kumi’s face betrayed her confusion, as if she didn’t understand what Hirai had said. ‘What?’

Hirai responded gently and clearly. ‘OK… I don’t mind going home to Takakura.’

Kumi’s face still showed disbelief. ‘Really?’

‘But you know I wouldn’t be much use, don’t you?’ Hirai said apologetically.

‘That’s OK. No problem! You can just learn the work as you go. Dad and Mum will be so pleased, I’m sure!’

‘Really?’

‘Of course they will!’ Kumi replied and made a deep nod. Her face swiftly turned red and she burst into tears.

‘What’s up?’

This time it was Hirai’s turn to be dismayed. She knew the reason for Kumi’s tears: if Hirai returned to Takakura, she would reclaim her freedom. Her persistent efforts over so many years to persuade Hirai had paid off. It was no wonder that she was happy. But Hirai had never imagined it would lead to so much crying.

‘This has always been my dream,’ Kumi muttered, looking down, her tears spilling onto the table.

Hirai’s heart beat wildly. So Kumi did have her own dreams. She had wanted to do something too. Hirai’s selfishness had robbed her of that – a dream worth crying over.

She thought she should know exactly what she had got in the way of.

‘What dream?’ she asked Kumi.

With red teary eyes, Kumi looked up and took a deep breath. ‘To run the inn together. With you,’ she replied. Her face transformed into a big smile.

Never had Hirai seen Kumi show such an ecstatic, happy smile.

Hirai thought back to what she had said to Kei on this day in the past.

‘ She resents me. ’

‘ She didn’t want it passed down to her. ’

‘ I keep telling her I don’t want to go home. But she keeps on asking time and time and time again. Saying that she was persistent would be an understatement. ’

‘ I don’t want to see it…’

‘ I see it written on her face. Because of what I did, she is now going to be owner of an inn she doesn’t want to run. She wants me to come home so that she can be free. ’

‘ I feel she is pressuring me. ’

‘ Throw it away! ’

‘ I can imagine what it says… It’s really tough for me by myself. Please come home. It’s OK if you learn the ropes once you come…’

Hirai had said all those things. But she was wrong. Kumi didn’t resent her. Nor was it true that she didn’t want to inherit the inn. The reason that Kumi didn’t give up trying to persuade Hirai to return was because that was her dream. It wasn’t because she wanted her own freedom, and it wasn’t because she was blaming her: it was her dream to run the inn together with Hirai. That dream had not changed, and nor had her little sister, who was there in front of her with tears of joy streaming down her face. Her little sister Kumi, who had loved her big sis with all her heart, had, time after time, come to persuade her to return to the family, never giving up. While her parents had disowned her, Kumi had hung on to the belief that Hirai would come home. How sweet her little sister still was. Always the little girl, always following her around. ‘ Big Sis! Big Sis! ’ Hirai felt more love for Kumi than she ever had before.

But the little sister that she so loved was now gone.

Hirai’s sense of regret grew. Don’t die on me! I don’t want you to die!

‘Ku-Kumi.’ Hirai called her name in a soft voice, as if it had just slipped out. Even if the effort was futile, she wanted to stop Kumi’s death. But Kumi didn’t seem to have heard Hirai.

‘Wait a bit. Got to go to the toilet. I just need to fix my make-up,’ Kumi said getting up from her seat and walking away.

‘Kumi!’ Hirai cried out.

Hearing her name suddenly screamed in that way stopped Kumi in her tracks. ‘What?’ she asked, looking startled.

Hirai didn’t know what to say. Nothing she said would change the present.

‘Er. Nothing. Sorry.’

Of course it wasn’t nothing. Don’t go! Don’t die! Sorry! Please forgive me! If you hadn’t come to meet me, you wouldn’t have died!

There were many things she wanted to say, and apologize for: selfishly leaving home, expecting Kumi to look after their parents, leaving it to her to take on the role of heir. Not only had she neglected to think how hard that was for her family, she’d never imagined what really led Kumi to take time from her busy schedule and come to see her. I see now that you suffered by having me as your older sister. I’m sorry. But none of these feelings could be formed into words. She had never understood… But what should she say? And what did she want to say?

Kumi was looking at her kindly. Even if nothing was forthcoming, she still waited for her to speak – she understood that she had something she wanted to say.