Chuck Palahniuk - Pygmy

Host brother say, “Little man, you have got to learn me how to yank off folks’ heads!”

Feet of operative me continue parade, secret recite, Hafnium … helium … holmium …

Pig dog say, “I guess my sister is off-limits now that she’s going to be your sister, too.”

Within thinking machine of operative me, in secret this agent recite say,… iridium, iron, iodine …

Next now, approached by lavish chesticle lady delegate Haiti demonstrate standard mating behavior: waistband trouser lowered so reveal midriff, cleft of buttocks filled central strap pink-colored undergarment thong. Caucasoid female feature typical low degree of projection of alveolar ridge containing pristine teeth. Lady delegate separate glossy lips of face, say, “Hi, Pygmy…”

Feet of operative me continue parade.

Feet of pig dog brother cease, stance adjacent delegate Haiti, say, “Yo, hot mama.” Say, “That’s my new kid brother you’re hitting on.”

For official record, no brother. No yet adopted. No official. Perhaps no never.

Continued along parade, this agent respond over own shoulder, say, “Most honored lady…” Continue parade, say, “Are you no already vessel for reproductive seed of Mang?”

From behind, fading in distant, lady delegate say, “It’s okay. I went to the school nurse…” Receding more faint, say, “I got those morning-after plan B pills…”

Within mind of operative me, in secret this agent keep say,… tin, titanium, tungsten…

Pig dog brother, lady delegate Haiti, both remain abandoned in trail of operative me.

Small parade arrive aisle fifteen, wall of packages stacked mothballs for extracting napthalene. Vast array bottle milk of magnesia to yield magnesium hydroxide. Infinite selection alum for aluminum sulfate. Ammonia combined water for ammonium hydroxide. Carbolic acid for phenol. Borax for distill sodium borate. Ingredients massed necessary all component of science fair project.

Execution Operation Havoc. Massive debacle.

Next now, voice say, female voice say from behind, “Congratulations, comrade.” Revealed as voice operative Magda, at helm large basket crafted silver wire, roll atop wheels. Magda commence select chrome alum, deposit interior basket, say, “You demonstrate superior mental brilliance.”

Magda continue select vinegar, effective source ingredient acetic acid, place bottle vinegar within wheel basket, say, “You rescue a handful ridiculous, silly American children…” Say, “So soon we may kill millions…”

Quote, “Whoever looks at America will see: the ship is powered by stupidity, corruption, or prejudice.”

Tibor approach, limb arm hoisting basket munitions, baking soda, corn syrup, chlorine bleach. Drill focus glower eye upon face skin this agent, Tibor say, “Such crafty agent to deserve much lauded.” Fashion Tibor hand shape Beretta semiautomatic, index finger as thirty-five-millimeter barrel. Comrade aim flesh weapon direction skull sutures operative me.

Say Tibor, “Comrade, perhaps best revisit mental narrative operative Pavel.” Say, “Always most-bright fire first to be extinguish.” Same now, Tibor discharge pretend pistol, eject fictitious bullet so feign expunge gray meatloaf this agent.

Pantomime so suggest operative me how easily erased.

Begins here twentieth account of operative me, agent number 67, most recent exited public mass transportation routed XXXXXX. Deposited industrial park XXXXXX. Made lengthy parade so arrive private facility performing research contracted United States federal department of XXXXXX. Specific purpose to abscond taking top security samples XXXXXX.

For official record, during conveyance aboard public vehicle, simultaneous host cat sister apply paint color black upon face skin of operative me, this agent espousing profound truths presented revered French demographer Alfred Sauvy, make sermon how modern world struggle between corrupt degenerate menace of capitalism and the noble socialist, battling for control or rescue of the innocent third world. Voice of operative me, bold voice trumpeting so inform all proletariat within vehicle, proclaim former slave colonies third world prospective victim capitalist hungry greed over raw natural resources, stealing petroleum, raping of mineral bauxite and zinc, in return dumping on innocents only inferior products decadent mass culture. Wily capitalists flooding native economies too many destructive corrosives—refined sugar, of example, Hollywood movie star, heated seat automobile, SPAM, paste of teeth, tissue of toilet, Bionic Man, permanent wave.

Ear of cat sister tuned attentive, host sister apply finger rubbing black paint about face skin of this agent, sister accept political truths declared Sauvy in 1952. Top celebrated missive titled “Three Worlds, One Planet.”

Weapon of operative me, constrained turgid within trouser this agent.

Heralding voice of operative me, loudly vociferate how all wealthy nations innate evil. Converse, all poverty nations innocent and source much oppressed goodness. Cite additional vast brilliant Brandt Report dated 1980 proofed beyond facts how greedy oil-consuming giants of North Hemisphere—specific Canada, United States, Britain, and Australia—starved starving South Hemisphere nations of Zambia, Soviet Union, and Saudi Arabia. Shrill cry of operative me expanding more loud, more until voice break, become shriek, this agent say, “The fuel such low expensive able propel this public vehicle …” Say, “Petroleum, in actual poverty blood sucked out aboriginal child.”

Manifesto presented so bold.

Chin jawbone of this agent tilted high in courage defiant. Await agreement.

Cat sister smooth paint upon stilled lips of operative me. Skin of this agent stiff from dry paint. Stroke smooth, massage. Gentle circle. Greased finger lick infinite tiny licks. Slippery sister finger slide width of this agent heated forehead.

Succulent fragrant bosom so nearby. Host sister touching with fingertip, say, “You know, you have the prettiest eyes…”

Head of operative me, neck rotate so able visible own eyeballs reflection upon interior night window. Window of public vehicle reveal merely this agent, blotted black, eye sunk deep within black paint.

Host sister fingertipping lip of this agent, cat sister say, “It’s too bad you’re going to be my brother…”

Seated captain of public conveyance halt vehicle, activate door so becomes unhealed in metal wall, decree through amplified microphone, say, “End of the line.” Say, “All mimes please disembark.”

During host sister and this agent exit conveyance, vehicle captain offer hand containing ink pen. Offer hand clenched tablet blank paper pages. Say, “You’re the kid who killed that crazy motherfucker.” Captain say, “Do you mind if I get your autograph?”

Traversing dark environment en route destination, surrounded mating cry cricket, croak of bulls frog, lecture this agent concerning France missive entitled Le Defi Americain. How admonish intellectual elite over manner United States numerous multinational corporation Kodak, Gillette, General Motor endeavor tangle entire globe ensnared tentacles sucking wealth for digest and fatten parent sovereign American nation, leeching life energy addition opportunity during render subject nation stripped resources and native cultures.

Current now doing pilgrimage perimeter industry park, bordered fence linked chain. Navigate thick darkness. Tread macadam roadway empty of vehicle, approach distant building constructed clay brick, washed under illumination large electric bulb perched atop multiple pole. Macadam field painted branched white alignment fitting infinite automobile lazy American bourgeois professional. Current now, stored no automobile.