Chuck Palahniuk - Pygmy

From seated neighboring this agent, voice breathe whisper. Cat sister say, “Hey, Pygmy, want to do me a big, big favor?”

From distance across worship shrine, Magda eyeball this agent and host sister.

Whisper of cat sister say, “It’s about the Model United Nations next week.” Say, “Nobody wants to be the United States…will you?”

For official record, this agent requested to represent American nation on council floor, service on security council, create policy.

Whisper scented of solder smoke, melted lead connecting circuits sister mystery project, whisper say, “Special favor?” Host sister lift hand, fingers straight as for pledge or vote, say, “Swear, I’ll owe you, big-time.”

On condition this agent act as delegate on behalf United States will host sister be indebted. So vast appeal.

Cat sister say, “Plus, Ms. Matthews will give you extra credit in Social Studies.” Say, “Plus, we’re having a Dance of World Peace after.”

Perhaps as redeem favor, fulfill obligation, could host sister open vagina for deposit seed of operative me. Permit this agent complete task phase first, Operation Havoc. Perhaps—hope beyond all hope, dream beyond impossible—cat sister consider make ritual dance with this agent.

Continue sister say, “I’m going as Swaziland. United Nations is exactly like Halloween except more political.” Say, “My brother’s going as Ceylon. He figures since nobody knows jack about Ceylon he can just make up stuff.”

From distance across shrine, lips of Magda form words, mouth silent quote magnetic giant, appealing fascist Benito Mussolini, say, “The fate of nations is intimately bound up with their powers of reproduction.”

To cat sister, will agree…only if host sister allow this agent to accompany along during next secret foray. Apply to face of operative me black paint, apparel black, attend secret mission to venture through window during next planned escape night of today.

Cat sister say, “I don’t know…” Rotate face to one side, then other side, repeat to make head meaning “no.” Say, “It’s kinda illegal…”

From distance, breasts of operative Magda appear more volume, more round, crowding sweater. By ominous magic agent 36 breasts rapid inflated.

Quote, “The fate of nations is intimately bound up with their powers of reproduction.”

Cat sister say whisper, “You have to swear.” Say, “Swear to fall down dead if you tell.” Host sister say, “The truth is… I’m a spy ”

Face of operative me fashion arced eyeballs surprised, mouth gaped open with slacked jaw. Say this agent, “No.” Whisper say, “A spy?”

Cat sister tilt face forward, tilt backward, repeat to make head meaning affirmative. Say, “Now, swear.”

Lips of operative me expectorate into palm of own hand, extend salivate hand to cat sister. This agent agree to represent American nation only if sealed hand shaking.

Waiting long now, then now, then now cat sister rest eye on pool salivate. On final now, extend own hand covered spittle. Host sister embrace, clasp entwined fingers to encase pocket of slippery warm fluid between.

Begins here thirteenth account of operative me, agent number 67, on council chamber floor, Model United Nation, conducted suburb of city XXXXXX. General assembly session XXXXXX. Date XXXXXX. For official record, operative me acting as delegate United States, appareled appropriate traditional American wide-brim, ten-gallons boy of cows head covering, coated reflective sequins of colors blue, white, and red. Foot shod boot associated profession boy of cows. Borrowed of host mother. Skinned ostrich. Otherwise appareled black fabric tunic printed English words “Property of Jesus,” sewed so appropriate fit vast North American obese endomorphic body type. Hemline tunic flair loose flapping knees of operative me.

This agent appointed acting general secretary for oversee Model United Nation.

For official record, fellow delegate display colorful costumes represent own varied native lands. Lady delegate Malawi adored harem trouser pink gauze, so thin no conceal black color bikini thong within. Buttocks cleaved traditional black butt floss. Despite Caucasoid, male delegate Gabon adored dashiki, many insect molded black plastic, fake houseflies sticked to own pale face skin painted latex spirit gum. Caucasoid male delegate of Qatar draped torso bandolier countless rounds machine gun ammunition, fist of young Caucasoid blond hair, lifted as Black Power salute.

All Caucasoid youth delegate of third world, adorned necklaces fake animal teeths, straight hair fashioned cornrows, fashioned dreadlocks, or ratted style Afros. All Caucasoid with straight narrow nasal aperture, bred genetic trait to shed European precipitation, today seated behind desk nameplates: GUYANA, PERU, GAMBIA, MYANMAR, EQUATORIAL GUINEA. Fanning own selves utilizing palm fronds. Whipping cords own shoulders, shoo no present tse tse flies. Complain much over malaria. Discuss quality fresh drinking water. Compare infant mortality rates.

Suspended from roof, board of scores. From wall, bottomless basket woven of cord netting for inserting balls. Golden floor polished basketball wood, no permitted tread dark-soled footwear fearing heel mar, skid mark. Same arena location as held ritual mating gyrations.

Lady delegate Kiribati straddle leg gentleman delegate Tuvalu, both nation representative draped immodest skins of artificial animal tiger, ragged loincloths, drawing ballpointed pen Senegal symbol fake tattoos high on inside skin surface each the other pale thigh.

Lady delegate Nepal festooned transparent veil across face, breast concealed within brassiere shimmering gold coins. Shimmy gyrate hips. Gentleman delegate Bhutan feature animal bone inserted through topknot of hair, loins girded grass skirt, brandish spear. Other lady delegate adorned coconut brassiere. Other, sari. Other, kimono. Other gentleman, diapered as Gandhi. Other, Nehru jacket. Turban. Woven conical coolie hat. Sashay in plaid pleated kilt.

Delegate each court breeding partner. Delegate fulfill reproductive imperative.

Form trade alliance. Forge peace treaty. Negotiate lower barrier tariff.

Other delegate waving headdress crested feather style Las Vegas showgirls, seated at nameplate BRAZIL. Other delegate stumble down aisle council chamber, tripping on hemline own burka. Other delegate carry walking staff topped human skull, own face streaked colors white, black, yellow war paint.

Normal tribal tattoo American youth, multiple piercing nose and lip and ear, only this today appear appropriate. Accessory to costume.

At podium, this agent gavel, pow-pow , gavel, pow-pow , gavel, pow-pow , to bring general assembly to order.

Operative Chernok as delegate Italy sucking the earlobe of lady delegate Venezuela. Oleg appareled lederhosen. Operative Ling fondling buttocks of lady delegate Mexico.

From stance atop stage Junior Swing Choir, stance at podium, piping voice of operative me in vain request world congress come to order.

Operative Magda cover head under black beret, carry long baguette bread, penciled ink across own top lip, black line so suggest mustache. Magda approach stage, stance at feet of operative me, casting eye up to this agent, Magda say, “Bonjour, comrade, urgent must have discussion regarding colossal topic.” Eyes of that agent leveled with knees of operative me, Magda tilt torso so able wield bread baguette, batter legs of this agent. Clubbing so, say Magda, “Immediate.” Say, “Impending event at stake.”

For official record, that same now, cat sister approaching, hips wrapped snug around with fringe red shawl knotted to one side of waist, fringe sway, whole one leg bare almost so groin exposed. Wrapped on top head, host sister adorned with red turban, dangle gold metal loops from each earlobe. Piled atop turban, artificial banana, pineapple of plastic, rubber grapes, fake apples, towering crown inedible fruits. Swing thighs, sway fringe, balancing head covered of fruit, cat sister arrive beside operative Magda at foot of stage. Host sister lift both hands, brace sides of fruit so able cast eyes up at podium, this agent. Cat sister say, “Trick or treat!” Say, “Guess who I’m supposed to be…” Same now, say, “I’m Cuba ”