Wu Cheng-en - Journey to the West (vol. 2)

“Go West along this street, turn at the drum tower, and you'll be at Zheng's grocery,” they said. “You can buy as much oil, salt, soya sauce, vinegar, ginger, pepper and tea as you like there: they've got them all.”

The two of them headed West along the road hand in hand. Monkey went past several teahouses and restaurants but did not buy any of the things on sale or eat any of the food. “Brother,” called Pig, “why don't we make do with what we can buy here?” This was the last thing that Monkey, who had only been fooling him, intended to do.

“My dear brother,” he said, “you don't know how to get a good bargain. If we go a little further you can choose bigger ones.” As the two of them were talking a lot of people followed jostling behind them. Before long they reached the drum tower, where a huge and noisy crowd was pushing and shoving and filling the whole road.

“I'm not going any further, brother,” said Pig when he saw this. “From the way they're shouting they sound as though they're out to catch monks. And we're suspicious-looking strangers. What'll we do if they arrest us?”

“Stop talking such nonsense,” said Monkey. “We monks haven't broken the law, so monk-catchers would have no reason to arrest us. Let's carry on and buy the ingredients we need at Zheng's.”

“No,” said Pig, “never. I'm not going to ask for trouble. If I try to squeeze through that crowd and my ears get pulled out to their full length they'll collapse with fright. Several of them might get trampled to death, and it would cost me my life.”

“Very well then,” said Monkey. “You stand at the foot of this wall while I go and buy the things. I'll bring you back some wheaten cakes.” The idiot handed the bowl and dish to Monkey then stood with his back to the crowd and his snout against the foot of the wall. He would not have moved for anything in the world.

When Monkey reached the drum tower he found that the crowds really were very dense. As he squeezed his way through them he heard people saying that a royal proclamation had been posted at the tower: this was what all the people were struggling to see. Monkey pushed forward till he was close to it, then opened wide his fiery eyes with golden pupils to read it carefully. This is what was written:

We, the King of Purpuria in the Western Continent of Cattle-gift, from the beginning of our reign gave peace to the four quarters and tranquillity to the people. Recently the state's misfortunes have confined us to our bed with a chronic illness that has continued for a very long time. Recovery has proved impossible, and the many excellent prescriptions of our country's Royal College of Medicine have not yet effected a cure. We hereby issue an invitation to all experts in medicine and pharmacy among the wise men of the world, whether from the North or the East, from China or from foreign countries, to ascend to the throne hall and heal our sickness, in the event of a recovery we will give half our kingdom. This is no empty promise. All those who can offer cures should come to this notice.

When Monkey had read this he exclaimed with delight, “As they used to say in the old days, 'Make a move and your fortune's one third made.' I was wrong to stay put in the hostel. There's no need to buy groceries, and fetching the scriptures can wait for a day while I go and have a bit of fun as a doctor.” The splendid Great Sage bent low, got rid of the bowl and dish, took a pinch of dust, threw it into the air, said the words of a spell and made himself invisible. He then went up to the notice, quietly took it down, and blew towards the Southeast with a magic breath.

Immediately a whirlwind arose that scattered all the people there. Monkey then went straight back to where Pig was standing, his nose propped against the foot of the wall as if he were fast asleep. Brother Monkey folded the notice up, slipped it inside the lapel of Pig's tunic without disturbing him, turned and went back to the hostel.

As soon as the whirlwind started blowing all the people in the crowd at the foot of the drum tower covered their heads and shut their eyes, never imagining that when the wind fell the royal proclamation would have disappeared. They were horrorstruck. That morning twelve palace eunuchs and twelve guards officers had come out to post it, and now it had been blown away after less than six hours. In fear and trembling the people searched all around for it until a piece of paper was spotted sticking out of Pig's lapel.

“So you took the proclamation down, did you?” they asked, going up to him.

Looking up with a start the idiot thrust his nose up at them, making the guards officers stagger about and collapse with terror. He turned to flee, only to be grabbed by several bold spirits who blocked his way.

“You've taken down the royal proclamation inviting doctors, so you're coming to the palace to cure His Majesty,” they said. “Where else d'you think you're going?”

“I'm your son if I tore the poster down,” said Pig in panic. “I'd be your grandson if I could cure disease.”

“What's that sticking out of your tunic?” one of the officers asked.

Only then did the idiot look down and see that there really was a piece of paper there. Opening it he ground his teeth and swore, “That macaque is trying to get me killed!” He gave an angry roar and was just about to tear it up when they all stopped him.

“You're a dead man,” they said. “That's a proclamation His Majesty issued today. How dare you tear it up? As you've put it in your tunic you're no doubt a brilliant doctor. Come with us at once!”

“You don't understand,” shouted Pig. “It wasn't me that took it down. It was my fellow disciple Sun Wukong. He sneaked it into my tunic then abandoned me. We'll all have to go and find him to get to the bottom of this.”

“Nonsense,” they said. “We've got a bell here-we're not going off to play one that's still being cast. You can say what you like. Drag him off to see His Majesty.” Not bothering to get to the truth of the matter they pushed and pulled the idiot, who stood his ground as firmly as if he had taken root there. Over ten of them tried to move him without any success. “You've got no respect,” said Pig. “If you go on pulling at me and make me lose my temper I'll go berserk, and don't blame me then.”

It had not taken long for this commotion to stir up the whole neighbourhood, and Pig was now surrounded. Two elderly palace eunuchs in the crowd said, “You look very odd and you sound wrong too. Where are you from, you ruffian?”

“We're pilgrims sent from the East to fetch the scriptures from the Western Heaven,” Pig replied. “My master is the younger brother of the Tang emperor and a Master of the Law. He's just gone to the palace to hand his passport over for inspection. I came here with my brother disciple to buy some groceries, but there were so many people by the tower that I was scared to go any further. He told me to wait here. When he saw the proclamation he made a whirlwind, took it down, sneaked it into my tunic and went away.”

“We did see a monk with a plump white face going in through the palace gates,” one of the eunuchs said. “Perhaps that was your master.”

“Yes, yes,” said Pig.

“Where did your fellow disciple go?” the eunuch asked.

“There are four of us altogether,” said Pig. “When the master went to present his passport the other three of us stayed with our luggage and our horse in the Hostel of Meeting. My brother's played a trick on me and gone back there ahead of me.”

“Let go of him, officers,” the eunuch said. “We'll all go to the hostel together and find out what's really happening.”

“You two ladies are very sensible,” said Pig.

“Monk, you don't know about anything,” said the officers. “How can you address gentlemen as ladies?”