Wu Cheng-en - Journey to the West (vol. 1)

“We've already made up our minds that Mr. Pig is to be your son-in-law,” Friar Sand replied.

“Don't pick on me, brother,” said Pig, “we should discuss this together.”

“No need to,” said Monkey. “You've already fixed everything up at the back door and called her 'mother,' so there's nothing to discuss. Our master can represent the groom's family, this lady is the bride's family, I can be best man, and Friar Sand can be the matchmaker. There's no need to bother with the usual exchange of letters, and today is a most auspicious one full of heavenly grace, so bow to the master and go in to be her son-in-law.”

“Impossible,” said Pig, “impossible. I couldn't do a thing like that.”

“Stop trying to cover up, blockhead,” said Monkey. “You've already called her 'mother' umpteen times: there's nothing impossible about it at all. Hurry up and fulfil your promise so that we can have some wedding wine, which will be one good thing about it.” Seizing Pig with one hand and grabbing the woman with the other he said, “As the bride's mother, you should take your son-in-law inside.”

The idiot Pig hesitated, wanting to go in, and the woman said to the servants, “Bring table and chairs and give these three relatives of ours a meatless supper. I'm taking our son-in-law inside.” Then she told the cooks to prepare a banquet for their friends and relations the following morning. The servants did as they were told, and the other three pilgrims ate their supper, spread their bedding, and went to sleep in their places.

Pig followed his mother-in-law inside, and as he lost count of the number of rooms he went through, constantly tripping over the thresholds. “Don't go so fast, mother,” he said, “and please guide me as I don't know the way.”

“These are all granaries, storehouses, and milling rooms,” she said. “We haven't reached the kitchens yet.”

“What an enormous house,” said Pig, as he went round many a corner, tripping and bumping into things, until he reached the inner apartments of the house.

“Your brother said that today was a very auspicious day,” the woman said, “which is why I've brought you inside. But as we're doing things in such a rush, I haven't had time to call in a fortune-teller or arrange a proper ceremony with the scattering of fruit. You must just bow eight times, and that will have to do.”

“A good idea, mother,” said Pig. “You sit in the seat of honour and I'll bow to you a few times-that can be the wedding ceremony and thanking the bride's family rolled into one, which will save trouble.”

“Very well then,” said the woman with a laugh. “You are a most capable and practical son-in-law. I'll sit here while you bow to me.”

In the room glittering with silver candles the blockhead bowed to her, then asked which of the girls would be married to him. “That's the problem,” his mother-in-law said. “If I give you the eldest, the second one will be upset; and if I give you the second one, I'm afraid the third one will be; and if I give you the third, the eldest will be-so I haven't decided yet.”

“If there's any danger of them quarrelling,” said Pig, “then give me all of them, to save the family from being troubled with arguments and squabbles.”

“What a suggestion,” his mother-in-law exclaimed. “You're certainly not having all my daughters to yourself.”

“Don't be silly, mother. What's unusual about three or four wives? Even if there were several more of them, I'd take them on with a smile. When I was young I learned the art of 'protracted warfare,' and I can guarantee to keep every one of them happy.”

“No, no,” the woman said. “I have a handkerchief here. Tie it round your head to cover your face, and we can let Heaven decide which one you'll marry. I'll tell the girls to walk in front of you while you stretch your arms out. The one you catch, will be yours.” The blockhead obediently tied the handkerchief round his head, and there is a verse to prove it:

The fool, not knowing his own fate,

Was wounded by the sword of sex as he harmed himself in secret

There have always been proper wedding rites,

But today the groom blindfolded himself.

When he had tied the handkerchief on firmly, the idiot said, “Mother, please ask the girls to come out.”

“Zhenzhen, Aiai, Lianlian,” she called, “come out to see which of you Heaven will marry to my new son-in-law.” He heard the tinkling of jade ornaments and smelt rare perfumes as if fairies were there, so he reached out to grab one. He groped about to his left and his right, but without success. There were so many girls running about, and he had no chance of catching one. When he stretched East he only put his arms round a pillar, and when he stretched West he felt only the wall. As he rushed from one end of the room to the other he felt so dizzy that he lost his balance and kept tripping over. He stumbled into the door when he went forward, and collided with the brick wall when he went back, bumping, crashing and falling over till his snout was swollen and his head blue with bruises. Finally he sat on the floor and said as he gasped for breath, “Mother, your daughters are so slippery I can't catch a single one of them. Whatever shall I do?”

“They're not slippery,” she said, taking off the handkerchief, “they're all too shy to marry you.”

“If they won't marry me,” Pig said, “then you marry me.”

“What a son-in-law!” she said. “He doesn't care whether they're young or old-he even wants his own mother-in-law. Now each of these clever girls of mine has made a brocade shirt sewn with pearls. I'll tell whichever girl it is whose shirt you put on to marry you.”

“Great, great, great,” said Pig. “Bring out all three shirts for me to try on, and if I can get them all on, I'll marry them all.” The woman went back inside, and brought out only one shirt, which she handed to Pig. The idiot took off his own black cloth tunic and pulled on the shirt, but before he could tie the belt at the waist he fell to the ground with a thump and found himself tightly bound with many ropes. He was in great pain, and the women had all disappeared.

When Sanzang, Monkey, and Friar Sand woke up, the East was already lightening, and as they opened their eyes and looked around them they saw none of the lofty buildings that had been there. There were no carved and painted beams or rafters either: they had all been sleeping in a grove of pine and cypress. Sanzang called for Monkey in terror, and Friar Sand said, “Elder brother, we're done for, done for-they were demons.”

“What do you mean?” asked Monkey, who understood what had happened, with a trace of a smile. “Look where we've been sleeping,” said Sanzang. “We're very comfortable here under the pine trees,” said Monkey, “but I wonder where that idiot is being punished.”

“Who's being punished?” asked Sanzang.

“The woman and the girls last night were some Bodhisattvas or other appearing to us in disguise,” replied Monkey with a grin, “and I suppose they went away in the middle of the night. I'm afraid Pig is being punished.” On hearing this, Sanzang put his hands together and worshipped, and then they saw a piece of paper hanging from a cypress tree and fluttering in the breeze. Friar Sand hurried over to fetch it and show it to their master, who saw that there were eight lines of verse on it:

“The Old Woman of Mount Li had no yearning for the world,

But the Bodhisattva Guanyin persuaded her to come.

Samantabhadra and Manjusri were both present

Disguised as pretty girls among the trees.

The holy monk were too virtuous to return to lay life,

But the unreligious Pig was worse than worldly.

From now on he must calm his mind and reform-