Рэй Брэдбери: No News, or What Killed the Dog?

«No News, Or What Killed The Dog?» Sal glanced at her father's face.

«This gets played at Dog's funeral,» he said.

«You're not serious?» said Ruth Bentley.

Just then the doorbell rang.

«That can't be the Pet Cemetery people come to take Dog-?»

«No!» cried Susan. «Not so soon!»

Instinctively, the family formed a wall between Dog and the doorbell sound, holding off eternity.

Then they cried, one more time.

The strange and wonderful thing about the funeral was how many people came.

«I didn't know Dog had so many friends,» Susan blubbered.

«He freeloaded all around town,» said Rodney.

«Speak kindly of the dead.»

«Well, he did, dammit., Otherwise why is Bill Johnson here, or Gert Skall, or Jim across the street?»

«Dog,» said Roger Bentley, «I sure wish you could see this.»

«He does.» Susan's eyes welled over. «Wherever he is.»

«Good old Sue,» whispered Rodney, «who cries at telephone books―»

«Shut up!» cried Susan.

«Hush, both of you.»

And Roger Bentley moved, eyes down, toward the front of the small funeral parlor where Dog was laid out, head on paws, in a box that was neither too rich nor too simple but just right.

Roger Bentley placed a steel needle down on the black record which turned on top of a flake-painted portable phonograph. The needle scratched and hissed. All the neighbors leaned forward.

«No funeral oration,» said Roger quickly. «Just this.» And a voice spoke on a day long ago and told a story about a man who returned from vacation to ask friends what had happened while he was gone.

It seemed that nothing whatsoever had happened. Oh, just one thing. Everyone wondered what had killed the dog.

The dog? asked the vacationer. My dog died? Yes, and maybe it was the burned horseflesh did it. Burned horseflesh!? cried the vacationer. Well, said his informant, when the barn burned, the horseflesh caught fire, so the dog ate the burned horseflesh, died.

The barn!? cried the vacationer. How did it catch fire? Well, sparks from the house blew over, torched the barn, burned the horseflesh, dog ate them, died.

Sparks from the house!? shouted the vacationer. How-?

It was the curtains in the house, caught fire.

Curtains? Burned!?

From the candles around the coffin.

Coffin!?

Your aunt's funeral coffin, candles there caught the curtains, house burned, sparks from the house flew over, burned down the barn, dog ate the burned horseflesh-In sum: no news, or what killed the dog!

The record hissed and stopped.

In the silence, there was a little quiet laughter, even though the record had been about dogs and people dying.

«Now, do we get the lecture?» said Rodney.

«No, a sermon.»

Roger Bentley put his hands on the pulpit to stare for long moments at notes he hadn't made.

«I don't know if we're here for Dog or ourselves. Both, I suppose. We're the nothing-ever-happened-to-us people. Today is a first. Not that I want a rush of doom or disease. God forbid. Death, come slowly, please.»

He turned the phonograph record round and round in his hands, trying to read the words under the grooves.

«No news. Except the aunt's funeral candles catch the curtains, sparks fly, and the dog goes west. In our lives, just the opposite. No news for years. Good livers, healthy hearts, good times. So-what's it all about?»

Roger Bentley glanced at Rodney, who was checking his wristwatch.

«Someday we must die, also.» Roger Bentley hurried on. «Hard to believe. We're spoiled. But Susan was right. Dog died to tell us this, gently, and we must believe. And at the same time celebrate. What? The fact that we're the start of an amazing, dumbfounding history of survival that will only get better as the centuries pass. You may argue that the next war will take us all. Maybe.

«I can only say I think you will grow to be old, very old people. Ninety years from now, most people will have cured hearts, stopped cancers, and jumped life cycles. A lot of sadness will have gone out of the world, thank God. Will this be easy to do? No. Will we do it? Yes. Not in all countries, right off. But, finally, in most.

«As I said yesterday, fifty years ago, if you wanted to visit your aunts, uncles, grandparents, brothers, sisters, the graveyard was it. Death was all the talk. You had to talk it. Time's up, Rodney?»

Rodney signaled his father he had one last minute.

Roger Bentley wound it down:

«Sure, kids still die. But not millions. Old folks? Wind up in Sun City instead of marble Orchard.»

The father surveyed his family, bright-eyed, in the pews.

«God, look at you! Then look back. A thousand centuries of absolute terror, absolute grief. How parents stayed sane to raise their kids when half of them died, damned if I know. Yet with broken hearts, they did. While millions died of flu or the Plague.

«So here we are in a new time that we can't see because we stand in the eye of the hurricane, where everything's calm.

«I'll shut up now, with a last word for Dog. Because we loved him, we've done this almost silly thing, this service, but now suddenly we're not ashamed or sorry we bought him a plot or had me speak. We may never come visit him, who can say? But he has a place. Dog, old boy, bless you. Now, everyone, blow your nose.»

Everyone blew his nose.

«Dad,» said Rodney suddenly, «could-we hear the record again?»

Everyone looked at Rodney, surprised.

«Just,» said Roger Bentley, «what I was going to suggest.»

He put the needle on the record. It hissed.

About a minute in, when the sparks from the house flew over to burn the barn and torch the horseflesh and kill the dog, there was a sound at the back doorway to the small parlor.

Everyone turned.

A strange man stood in the door holding a small wicker basket from which came familiar, small yapping sounds.

And even as the flames from the candles around the coffin caught the curtains and the last sparks blew on the wind

The whole family, drawn out into the sunlight, gathered around the stranger with the wicker basket, waiting for Father to arrive to throw back the coverlet on the small carrier so they could all dip their hands in.

That moment, as Susan said later, was like reading the telephone book one more time.