George Grossmith - The Diary of a Nobody

JANUARY 4. Mr Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position would be that of one of the senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr Perkupp added, he would let me know tomorrow what the salary would be. This means another day’s anxiety; I don’t mind, for it is anxiety of the right sort. That reminded me that I had forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I received from Mr Mutlar, senr. I broached the subject to Lupin in the evening, having first consulted Carrie. Lupin was riveted to the Financial News , as if he had been a born capitalist, and I said: ‘Pardon me a moment, Lupin, how is it you have not been to the Mutlars’ any day this week?’

Lupin answered: ‘I told you! I cannot stand old Mutlar.’

I said: ‘Mr Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that he cannot stand you!’

Lupin said: ‘Well, I like his cheek in writing to you . I’ll find out if his father is still alive, and I will write him a note complaining of his son, and I’ll state pretty clearly that his son is a blithering idiot!’

I said: ‘Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence of your mother.’

Lupin said: ‘I’m very sorry, but there is no other expression one can apply to him. However, I’m determined not to enter his place again.’

I said: ‘You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the house.’

Lupin replied: ‘Well, we won’t split straws – it’s all the same. Daisy is a trump, and will wait for me ten years, if necessary.’

JANUARY 5. I can scarcely write the news. Mr Perkupp told me my salary would be raised £100! I stood gaping for a moment unable to realize it. I annually get £10 rise, and I thought it might be £15 or even £20; but £100 surpasses all belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good fortune. Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits. I sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer’s for a bottle of champagne, the same as we had before, ‘Jackson Frères’. It was opened at supper, and I said to Lupin: ‘This is to celebrate some good news I have received today.’ Lupin replied: ‘Hurray, Guv.! And I have some good news, also; a double event, eh?’ I said: ‘My boy, as a result of twenty-one years’ industry and strict attention to the interests of my superiors in office, I have been rewarded with promotion and a rise in salary of £100.’

Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, which brought in Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin ordered us to ‘fill up’ again, and addressing us upstanding, said: ‘Having been in the firm of Job Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, and not having paid particular attention to the interests of my superiors in office, my Guv’nor, as a reward to me, allotted me £5 worth of shares in a really good thing. The result is, today I have made £200.’ I said: ‘Lupin, you are joking.’ ‘No, Guv., it’s the good old truth; Job Cleanands put me on to Chlorates .’

JANUARY 21. I am very much concerned at Lupin having started a pony-trap. I said: ‘Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous extravagance?’ Lupin replied: ‘Well, one must get to the City somehow. I’ve only hired it, and can give it up any time I like.’ I repeated my question: ‘Are you justified in this extravagance?’ He replied: ‘Look here, Guv.; excuse me saying so, but you’re a bit out of date. It does not pay nowadays, fiddling about over small things. I don’t mean anything personal, Guv’nor. My boss says if I take his tip, and stick to big things, I can make big money!’ I said I thought the very idea of speculation most horrifying. Lupin said: ‘It is not speculation, it’s a dead cert.’ I advised him, at all events, not to continue the pony and cart; but he replied: ‘I made £200 in one day; now suppose I only make £200 in a month, or put it at £100 a month, which is ridiculously low – why, that is £1,200 a year? What’s a few pounds a week for a trap?’

I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should feel glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and responsible for his own debts. He answered: ‘My dear Guv., I promise you faithfully that I will never speculate with what I have not got. I shall only go on Job Cleanands’ tips, and as he is in the “know” it is pretty safe sailing.’ I felt somewhat relieved. Gowing called in the evening and, to my surprise, informed me that, as he had made £10 by one of Lupin’s tips, he intended asking us and the Cummings round next Saturday. Carrie and I said we should be delighted.

JANUARY 22. I don’t generally lose my temper with servants; but I had to speak to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recently contracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the breakfast things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall on the carpet, eventually to be trodden in. Sarah answered very rudely: ‘Oh, you are always complaining.’ I replied: ‘Indeed, I am not. I spoke to you last week about walking all over the drawing-room carpet with a piece of yellow soap on the heel of your boot.’ She said: ‘And you’re always grumbling about your breakfast.’ I said: ‘No, I am not; but I feel perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiled egg. The moment I crack the shell it spurts all over the plate, and I have spoken to you at least fifty times about it.’ She began to cry and make a scene; but fortunately my ’bus came by, so I had a good excuse for leaving her. Gowing left a message in the evening, that we were not to forget next Saturday. Carrie amusingly said: ‘As he has never asked any friends before, we are not likely to forget it.’

JANUARY 23. I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes he recently made me a present of, for some softer ones, as my hairdresser tells me I ought not to brush my hair too much just now.

JANUARY 24. The new chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room. Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each side. It is an immense improvement to the room.

JANUARY 25. We had just finished our tea, when who should come in but Cummings, who has not been here for over three weeks. I noticed that he looked anything but well, so I said: ‘Well, Cummings, how are you? You look a little blue.’ He replied: ‘Yes! and I feel blue too.’ I said: ‘Why, what’s the matter?’ He said: ‘Oh, nothing, except that I have been on my back for a couple of weeks, that’s all. At one time my doctor nearly gave me up, yet not a soul has come near me. No one has even taken the trouble to inquire whether I was alive or dead.’

I said: ‘This is the first I have heard of it. I have passed your house several nights, and presumed you had company, as the rooms were so brilliantly lighted.’

Cummings replied: ‘No! The only company I have had was my wife, the doctor, and the landlady – the last-named having turned out a perfect trump. I wonder you did not see it in the paper. I know it was mentioned in the Bicycle News .’

I thought to cheer him up, and said: ‘Well, you are all right now?’

He replied: ‘That’s not the question. The question is whether an illness does not enable you to discover who are your true friends.’

I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make matters worse, in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap on the back, and said: ‘Hulloh! Have you seen a ghost? You look scared to death, like Irving in Macbeth .’ I said: ‘Gently, Gowing, the poor fellow has been very ill.’ Gowing roared with laughter and said: ‘Yes, and you look it, too.’ Cummings quietly said: ‘Yes, and I feel it too – not that I suppose you care.’

An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: ‘Never mind, Cummings, you and the missis come round to my place tomorrow, and it will cheer you up a bit; for we’ll open a bottle of wine.’