George Grossmith - The Diary of a Nobody

DECEMBER 21. To save the postman a miserable Christmas, we follow the example of all unselfish people, and send out our cards early. Most of the cards had fingermarks, which I did not notice at night. I shall buy all future cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, ever since he has had the appointment with a stock and share broker, does not seem overscrupulous in his dealings) told me never to rub out the pencilled price on the backs of the cards. I asked him why. Lupin said: ‘Suppose your card is marked 9d. Well, all you have to do is to pencil a 3 – and a long down-stroke after it – in front of the ninepence, and people will think you have given five times the price for it.’

In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him that behind the clouds the sun was shining. He said: ‘Ugh! it never shines on me.’ I said: ‘Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried about Daisy Mutlar. Don’t think of her any more. You ought to congratulate yourself on having got off a very bad bargain. Her notions are far too grand for our simple tastes.’ He jumped up and said: ‘I won’t allow one word to be uttered against her. She’s worth the whole bunch of your friends put together, that inflated sloping-head of a Perkupp included.’ I left the room with silent dignity but caught my foot in the mat. 58 58 (December 21) I left the room with silent dignity but caught my foot in the mat : This was based on an incident from Weedon’s youth when his father spotted that he’d been drinking and Weedon, trying to slink out of the room to go to bed, caught his foot in the rug and fell on the floor.

DECEMBER 23. I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning; but as he seemed to be in exuberant spirits in the evening I ventured to ask him where he intended to spend his Christmas. He replied: ‘Oh, most likely at the Mutlars’.’ In wonderment, I said: ‘What! after your engagement has been broken off?’

Lupin said: ‘Who said it is off?’

I said: ‘You have given us both to understand – ’

He interrupted me by saying: ‘Well, never mind what I said. It is on again – there! ’

I receive an insulting Christmas card. We spend a pleasant Christmas at Carrie’s mother’s. A Mr Moss is rather too free. A boisterous evening, during which I am struck in the dark. I receive an extraordinary letter from Mr Mutlar, senior, respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the old year .

DECEMBER 24. I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this morning. I never insult people; why should they insult me? The worst part of the transaction is, that I find myself suspecting all my friends. The handwriting on the envelope is evidently disguised, being written sloping the wrong way. I cannot think either Gowing or Cummings would do such a mean thing. Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him; although I disapprove of his laughing and sympathizing with the offender. Mr Franching would be above such an act; and I don’t think any of the Mutlars would descend to such a course. I wonder if Pitt, that impudent clerk at the office, did it? Or Mrs Birrell, the charwoman, or Burwin-Fosselton? The writing is too good for the former.

CHRISTMAS DAY. We caught the 10.20 train at Paddington, and spent a pleasant day at Carrie’s mother’s. The country was quite nice and pleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We dined in the middle of the day, just ten of us, and talked over old times. If everybody had a nice, un interfering mother-in-law, such as I have, what a deal of happiness there would be in the world. Being all in good spirits, I proposed her health; and I made, I think, a very good speech.

I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: ‘On an occasion like this – whether relatives, friends, or acquaintances – we are all inspired with good feelings towards each other. We are of one mind, and think only of love and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with absent friends should kiss and make up. Those who happily have not fallen out, can kiss all the same.’

I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and must say I felt very flattered by the compliment. That dear old Reverend John Panzy Smith, who married us, made a most cheerful and amusing speech, and said he should act on my suggestion respecting the kissing. He then walked round the table and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. Of course one did not object to this: but I was more than staggered when a young fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me, and who had scarcely spoken a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly with a sprig of mistletoe, and exclaimed: ‘Hulloh! I don’t see why I shouldn’t be in on this scene.’ Before one could realize what he was about to do, he kissed Carrie and the rest of the ladies.

Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed; but it was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very uneasy for a moment as to the result. I subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie, but she said: ‘Oh, he’s not much more than a boy.’ I said that he had a very large moustache for a boy. Carrie replied: ‘I didn’t say he was not a nice boy.’

DECEMBER 26. I did not sleep very well last night; I never do in a strange bed. I feel a little indigestion, which one must expect at this time of the year. Carrie and I returned to Town in the evening. Lupin came in late. He said he enjoyed his Christmas, and added: ‘I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and only require a little more “oof” to feel as fit as a £500 Stradivarius.’ I have long since given up trying to understand Lupin’s slang, or asking him to explain it.

DECEMBER 27. I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummings to drop in tomorrow evening for a quiet game. I was in hope the boy would volunteer to stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of which, he said: ‘Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked Daisy and Frank Mutlar to come.’ I said I could not think of doing such a thing. Lupin said: ‘Then I will send a wire, and put off Daisy.’ I suggested that a post-card or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and would not be so extravagant.

Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparent annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin. She said: ‘Lupin, why do you object to Daisy meeting your father’s friends? Is it because they are not good enough for her, or (which is equally possible) she is not good enough for them?’ Lupin was dumbfounded, and could make no reply. When he left the room, I gave Carrie a kiss of approval.

DECEMBER 28. Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his mother: ‘I have not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them to join Gowing and Cummings this evening.’ I felt very pleased with the boy for this. Carrie said in reply: ‘I am glad you let me know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton, dress it with a little parsley, and no one will know it has been cut.’ She further said she would make a few custards, and stew some pippins, so that they would be cold by the evening.

Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had any personal objection to either Gowing or Cummings. He replied: ‘Not in the least. I think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is partly due to his patronizing “the three-and-six-one-price hat company”, and wearing a reach-me-down frockcoat. As for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket of Gowing’s – why, he resembles an itinerant photographer.’

I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon Lupin, with a laugh, replied: ‘No, and it wasn’t much of a gentleman who made their coats.’

We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very agreeable, especially in the earlier part of the evening, when she sang. At supper, however, she said: ‘Can you make tee-to-tums with bread?’ and she commenced rolling pieces of bread, and twisting them round on the table. I felt this to be bad manners, but of course said nothing. Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing bread-pills at each other. Frank followed suit, and so did Cummings and Gowing, to my astonishment. They then commenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one piece catching me on the forehead, and making me blink. I said: ‘Steady, please; steady!’ Frank jumped up and said: ‘Tum, tum; then the band played.’