Pelham Wodehouse - The Return of Jeeves

"Thank you very much, m'lord."

"It will be a small price to pay for your services. Well, now that you've got me all worked up, tell me more. What's the good news?

What is this scheme of yours?"

"A quite simple one, m'lord. It is based on—"

Bill uttered a cry.

"Don't tell me. Let me guess. The psychology of the individual?"

"Precisely, m'lord."

Bill drew in his breath sharply.

"I thought as much. Something told me that was it. Many a time and oft, exchanging dry Martinis with Bertie Wooster in the bar of the Drones Club, I have listened to him, rapt, as he spoke of you and the psychology of the individual. He said that, once you get your teeth into the psychology of the individual, it's all over except chucking one's hat in the air and doing Spring dances. Proceed, Jeeves. You interest me strangely. The individual whose psychology you have been brooding on at the present juncture is, I take it, Mrs.

Spottsworth? Am I right or wrong, Jeeves?"

"Perfectly correct, m'lord. Has it occurred to your lordship what is Mrs.

Spottsworth's principal interest, the thing uppermost in the lady's mind?"

Bill gaped.

"You haven't come here at two in the morning to suggest that I dance the Charleston with her again?"

"Oh, no, m'lord."

"Well, when you spoke of her principal interest—"

"There is another facet of Mrs.

Spottsworth's character which you have overlooked, m'lord.

I concede that she is an enthusiastic Charleston performer, but what principally occupies her thoughts is psychical research. Since her arrival at the Abbey, she has not ceased to express a hope that she may be granted the experience of seeing the spectre of Lady Agatha. It was that that I had in mind when I informed your lordship that I had formulated a scheme for obtaining the pendant, based on the psychology of the individual."

Bill sank back on the pillows, a disappointed man.

"No, Jeeves," he said. "I won't do it."

"M'lord?"

"I see where you're heading. You want me to dress up in a farthingale and wimple and sneak into Mrs. Spottsworth's room, your contention being that if she wakes and sees me, she will simply say "Ah, the ghost of Lady Adela", and go to sleep again. It can't be done, Jeeves. Nothing will induce me to dress up in women's clothes, not even in such a deserving cause as this one. I might stretch a point and put on the old moustache and black patch."

"I would not advocate it, m'lord.

Even on the racecourse I have observed clients, on seeing your lordship, start back with visible concern. A lady, discovering such an apparition in her room, might quite conceivably utter a piercing scream."

Bill threw his hands up with a despondent groan.

"Well, there you are, then. The thing's off. Your scheme falls to the ground and becomes null and void."

"No, m'lord. Your lordship has not, if I may say so, grasped the substance of the plan I am putting forward. The essential at which one aims is the inducing of Mrs. Spottsworth to leave her room thus rendering it possible for your lordship to enter and secure the pendant. I propose now, with your lordship's approval, to knock on Mrs. Spottsworth's door and request the loan of a bottle of smelling salts."

Bill clutched at his hair.

"You said, Jeeves?"

"Smelling salts, m'lord."

Bill shook his head.

"Counting those sheep has done something to me," he said. My hearing has become affected. It sounded to me just as if you had said "Smelling salts"."

"I did, m'lord. I would explain that I required them in order to restore your lordship to consciousness."

"There again. I could have sworn that I heard you say "restore your lordship to consciousness"."

"Precisely, m'lord. Your lordship has sustained a severe shock. Happening to be in the vicinity of the ruined chapel at about the hour of midnight, your lordship observed the wraith of Lady Agatha and was much overcome. How your lordship contrived to totter back to your room, your lordship will never know, but I found your lordship there in a what appeared to be a coma and immediately applied to Mrs. Spottsworth for the loan of her smelling salts."

Bill was still at a loss.

"I don't get the gist, Jeeves."

"If I might elucidate my meaning still further, m'lord. The thought I had in mind was that, learning that Lady Agatha was, if I may so term it, on the wing, Mrs. Spottsworth's immediate reaction would be an intense desire to hasten to the ruined chapel in order to observe the manifestation for herself. I would offer to escort her thither, and during her absence ..."

It is never immediately that the ordinary man, stunned by some revelation of genius, is able to find words with which to express his emotion. When Alexander Graham Bell, meeting a friend one morning in the year 1876, said "Oh, hullo, George, heard the latest? I invented the telephone yesterday", it is probable that the friend merely shuffled his feet in silence. It was the same with Bill now. He could not speak. He lay there dumbly, while remorse flooded over him that he could ever have doubted this man. It was just as Bertie Wooster had so often said. Let this fish-fed mastermind get his teeth into the psychology of the individual, and it was all over except chucking your hat in the air and doing Spring dances.

"Jeeves," he began, at length finding speech, but Jeeves was shimmering through the door.

"Your smelling salts, m'lord," he said, turning his head on the threshold. "If your lordship will excuse me."

It was perhaps two minutes, though to Bill it seemed longer, before he returned, bearing a small bottle.

"Well?" said Bill eagerly.

"Everything has gone according to plan, m'lord. The lady's reactions were substantially as I had anticipated. Mrs. Spottsworth, on receiving my communication, displayed immediate interest. Is your lordship familiar with the expression "Jiminy Christmas!"?"

"No, I don't think I ever heard it. You don't mean "Merry Christmas"?"

"No, m'lord. "Jiminy Christmas!" It was what Mrs. Spottsworth observed on receiving the information that the phantasm of Lady Agatha was to be seen in the ruined chapel. The words, I gathered, were intended to convey surprise and elation.

She assured me that it would take her but a brief time to hop into a dressing-gown and that at the conclusion of that period she would be with me with, I understood her to say, her hair in a braid. I am to return in a moment and accompany her to the scene of the manifestation. I will leave the door open a few inches, so that your lordship, by applying your lordship's eye to the crack, may be able to see us depart. As soon as we have descended the staircase, I would advocate instant action, for I need scarcely remind your lordship that time is—"

"Of the essence? No, you certainly don't have to tell me that. You remember what you were saying about cheetahs?"

"With reference to their speed of foot, m'lord?"

"That's right. Half a mile in forty-five seconds, I think you said?"

"Yes, m'lord."

"Well, the way I shall move would leave the nippiest cheetah standing at the post."

"That will be highly satisfactory, m'lord.

I, on my side, may mention that on the dressing-table in Mrs. Spottsworth's room I observed a small jewel-case, which I have no doubt contains the pendant. The dressing-table is immediately beneath the window. Your lordship will have no difficulty in locating it."

He was right, as always. It was the first thing that Bill saw when, having watched the little procession of two out of sight down the stairs, he hastened along the corridor to the Queen Elizabeth Room. There, as Jeeves had stated, was the dressing-table. On it was the small jewel-case of which he had spoken. And in that jewel-case, as he opened it with shaking hands, Bill saw the pendant. Hastily he slipped it into the pocket of his pyjamas, and was turning to leave, when the silence, which had been complete but for his heavy breathing, was shattered by a series of dreadful screams.