Pelham Wodehouse - The Return of Jeeves

"I believe so, madam. He rang for me not long ago to ask if I could provide him with a magnifying glass."

"I'll go and see him," said Mrs.

Spottsworth. "I'm taking the Abbey with me to America, Billiken. It was Jeeves's idea."

She went out, and Jill hurled herself into Bill's arms.

"Oh, Bill! Oh, Bill! Oh, Bill!" she cried. "Though I don't know why I'm kissing you," she said. "I ought to be kissing Jeeves. Shall I kiss you, Jeeves?"

"No, miss."

"Just think, Jeeves. You'll have to buy that fish slice after all."

"It will be a pleasure and a privilege, miss."

"Of course, Jeeves," said Bill, "you must never leave us, wherever we go, whatever we do."

Jeeves sighed apologetically.

"I am very sorry, m'lord, but I fear I cannot avail myself of your kindness. Indeed, I fear I am compelled to hand in my notice."

"Oh, Jeeves!"

"With the deepest regret, miss, I need scarcely say. But Mr. Wooster needs me.

I received a letter from him this morning."

"Has he left that school of his, then?"

Jeeves sighed again. "Expelled, m'lord."

"Good heavens!"

"It is all most unfortunate, m'lord. Mr.

Wooster was awarded the prize for sock-darning.

Two pairs of his socks were actually exhibited on Speech Day. It was then discovered that he had used a crib ... an old woman whom he smuggled into his study at night."

"Poor old Bertie!"

"Yes, m'lord. I gather from the tone of his communication that the scandal has affected him deeply. I feel that my place is at his side."

Rory came in from the library, looking moody.

"I can't fix it," he said.

"Rory," said Bill, "do you know what's happened?"

"Yes, old boy, I've bust the television set."

"Mrs. Spottsworth is going to marry Captain Biggar, and she's buying the Abbey."

"Oh?" said Rory. His manner was listless.

"Well, as I was saying, I can't fix the bally thing, and I don't believe any of the local yokels can, either, so the only thing to do is to go to the fountain head." He went to the telephone.

"Give me Square one two three four," he said.

Captain Biggar came bustling through the French window, humming a Swahili wedding march.

"Where's my Rosie?" he asked.

"Upstairs," said Bill. "She'll be down in a minute. She's just been telling us the news.

Congratulations, Captain."

"Thank you, thank you."

"I say," said Rory, the receiver at his ear, "I've just remembered another one. Which is bigger, Captain Biggar or Mrs.

Biggar? Mrs. Biggar, because she became Biggar.

Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha! Meanwhile, I'm trying to get—"

His number came through.

"Oh, hullo," he said. "Harrige's?"

THE END