Pelham Wodehouse - The Return of Jeeves

"What ... what did you say?"

Jeeves was a kindly man, and not only a kindly man but a man who could open a bottle of champagne as quick as a flash. It was in something of the spirit of the Sir Philip Sidney who gave the water to the stretcher case that he now whisked the cork from the bottle he was carrying. Jill's need, he felt, was greater than Bill's.

"Permit me, miss."

Jill drank gratefully. Her eyes had widened, and the colour was returning to her face.

"Jeeves, this is a matter of life and death," she said. "At two o'clock this morning I saw Lord Rowcester coming out of Mrs.

Spottsworth's room looking perfectly frightful in mauve pyjamas. Are you telling me that Mrs. Spottsworth was not there?"

"Precisely, miss. She was with me in the ruined chapel, holding me spellbound with her account of recent investigations of the Society of Psychical Research."

"Then what was Lord Rowcester doing in her room?"

"Purloining the lady's pendant, miss."

It was unfortunate that as he said these words Jill should have been taking a sip of champagne, for she choked. And as her companion would have considered it a liberty to slap her on the back, it was some moments before she was able to speak.

"Purloining Mrs. Spottsworth's pendant?"

"Yes, miss. It is a long and somewhat intricate story, but if you would care for me to run through the salient points, I should be delighted to do so. Would it interest you to hear the inside history of his lordship's recent activities, culminating, as I have indicated, in the abstracting of Mrs.

Spottsworth's ornament?"

Jill drew in her breath with a hiss.

"Yes, Jeeves, it would."

"Very good, miss. Then must I speak of one who loved not wisely but too well, of one whose subdued eyes, albeit unused to the melting mood, drop tears as fast as the Arabian trees their medicinal gum."

"Jeeves!"

"Miss?"

"What on earth are you talking about?"

Jeeves looked a little hurt.

"I was endeavouring to explain that it was for love of you, miss, that his lordship became a Silver Ring bookmaker."

"A what?"

"Having plighted his troth to you, miss, his lordship felt—rightly, in my opinion—that in order to support a wife he would require a considerably larger income than he had been enjoying up to that moment. After weighing and rejecting the claims of other professions, he decided to embark on the career of a bookmaker in the Silver Ring, trading under the name of Honest Patch Perkins. I officiated as his lordship's clerk. We wore false moustaches."

Jill opened her mouth, then, as if feeling that any form of speech would be inadequate, closed it again.

"For a time the venture paid very handsomely. In three days at Doncaster we were so fortunate as to amass no less a sum than four hundred and twenty pounds, and it was in optimistic mood that we proceeded to Epsom for the Oaks. But disaster was lurking in wait for his lordship. To use the metaphor that the tide turned would be inaccurate.

What smote his lordship was not so much the tide as a single tidal wave. Captain Biggar, miss.

He won a double at his lordship's expense— five pounds on Lucy Glitters at a hundred to six, all to come on Whistler's Mother, S.p."

Jill spoke faintly.

"What was the S.p.?"

"I deeply regret to say, miss, thirty-three to one. And as he had rashly refused to lay the wager off, this cataclysm left his lordship in the unfortunate position of owing Captain Biggar in excess of three thousand pounds, with no assets with which to meet his obligations."

"Golly!"

"Yes, miss. His lordship was compelled to make a somewhat hurried departure from the course, followed by Captain Biggar, shouting "Welsher!", but when we were able to shake off our pursuer's challenge some ten miles from the Abbey, we were hoping that the episode was concluded and that to Captain Biggar his lordship would remain merely a vague, unidentified figure in a moustache by Clarkson. But it was not to be, miss.

The Captain tracked his lordship here, penetrated his incognito and demanded an immediate settlement."

"But Bill had no money."

"Precisely, miss. His lordship did not omit to stress that point. And it was then that Captain Biggar proposed that his lordship should secure possession of Mrs. Spottsworth's pendant, asserting, when met with a nolle prosequi on his lordship's part, that the object in question had been given by him to the lady some years ago, so that he was morally entitled to borrow it.

The story, on reflection, seems somewhat thin, but it was told with so great a wealth of corroborative detail that it convinced us at the time, and his lordship, who had been vowing that he would ne'er consent, consented. Do I make myself clear, miss?"

"Quite clear. You don't mind my head swimming?"

"Not at all, miss. The question then arose of how the operation was to be carried through, and eventually it was arranged that I should lure Mrs. Spottsworth from her room on the pretext that Lady Agatha had been seen in the ruined chapel, and during her absence his lordship should enter and obtain the trinket.

This ruse proved successful. The pendant was duly handed to Captain Biggar, who has taken it to London with the purpose of pawning it and investing the proceeds on the Irish horse, Ballymore, concerning whose chances he is extremely sanguine.

As regards his lordship's mauve pyjamas, to which you made a derogatory allusion a short while back, I am hoping to convince his lordship that a quiet blue or a pistachio green—"

But Jill was not interested in the Rowcester pyjamas and the steps which were being taken to correct their mauveness. She was hammering on the library door.

"Bill! Bill!" she cried, like a woman wailing for her demon lover, and Bill, hearing that voice, came out with the promptitude of a cork extracted by Jeeves from a bottle.

"Oh, Bill!" said Jill, flinging herself into his arms. "Jeeves has told me everything!"

Over the head that rested on his chest Bill shot an anxious glance at Jeeves.

"When you say everything, do you mean everything?"

"Yes, m'lord. I deemed it advisable."

"I know all about Honest Patch Perkins and your moustache and Captain Biggar and Whistler's Mother and Mrs. Spottsworth and the pendant," said Jill, nestling closely.

It seemed so odd to Bill that a girl who knew all this should be nestling closely that he was obliged to release her for a moment and step across and take a sip of champagne.

"And you really mean," he said, returning and folding her in his embrace once more, "that you don't recoil from me in horror?"

"Of course I don't recoil from you in horror. Do I look as if I were recoiling from you in horror?"

"Well, no," said Bill, having considered this. He kissed her lips, her forehead, her ears and the top of her head. "But the trouble is that you might just as well recoil from me in horror, because I don't see how the dickens we're ever going to get married. I haven't a bean, and I've somehow got to raise a small fortune to pay Mrs. Spottsworth for her pendant.

Noblesse oblige, if you follow my drift. So if I don't sell her the house—"

"Of course you'll sell her the house."

"Shall I? I wonder—I'll certainly try.

Where on earth's she disappeared to? She was in here when I came through into the library just now. I wish she'd show up. I'm all full of that Country Life stuff, and if she doesn't come soon, it will evaporate."

"Excuse me, m'lord," said Jeeves, who during the recent exchanges had withdrawn discreetly to the window. "Mrs. Spottsworth and her ladyship are at this moment crossing the lawn."

With a courteous gesture he stepped to one side, and Mrs. Spottsworth entered, followed by Monica.

"Jill!" cried Monica, halting, amazed. "Good heavens!"