Рута Шепетис - Ashes in the Snow [aka Between Shades of Gray]

“We’re looking for Petras Arvydas and Kostas Vilkas,” he whispered.

The head disappeared. We heard scuffling on the floor of the car. The head reappeared. “Not in this car. Be careful, children. Be very quiet.”

We scurried from car to car, dodging droppings and knocking. Each time a head disappeared, I felt my stomach tighten. “Please, please, please,” Jonas would say. And then we’d move on, with warnings of caution or messages for loved ones. We reached the seventh car. The man’s head disappeared. It was quiet inside. “Please, please, please,” said Jonas.

“Jonas?”

“Papa!” we said, trying not to raise our voices. A match scraped across a wood plank. Papa’s face appeared in the hole. He looked gray, and his eye was badly bruised.

“Papa, we’re in a car over there,” began Jonas. “Come with us.”

“Shh…,” said Papa. “I can’t. You shouldn’t be here. Where is your mother?”

“In the car,” I said, happy yet horrified to see my father’s bludgeoned face. “Are you all right?”

“I’m okay,” he said. “Are you okay? Is your mother okay?”

“We’re okay,” I said.

“She doesn’t know we’re here,” said Jonas. “We wanted to find you. Papa, they broke into our house and—”

“I know. They’re attaching our train to yours.”

“Where are they taking us?” I asked.

“To Siberia, I think.”

Siberia? That couldn’t be right. Siberia was half a world away. There was nothing in Siberia. I heard Papa talking inside the train car. His arm came out of the hole holding some scrunched-up material.

“Take this jacket and these socks. You’ll need them.” More noise came from inside. Papa handed out another jacket, two shirts, and more socks. He then handed down a large piece of ham.

“Children, split this. Eat it,” Papa said.

I hesitated and stared at the ham my father handed through the same hole people used as a toilet.

“Put it in your mouths right now!” he said.

I tore the thick piece of ham in quarters and handed some to Jonas and Andrius. I put the last piece in my dress pocket for Mother.

“Lina, take this and give it to your mother. Tell her it’s okay to sell it, if she has to.” Papa’s hand came down to me, holding his gold wedding band. I stared at it.

“Lina, do you understand? Tell her it’s in case she needs money.”

I wanted to tell him we had already traded a pocket watch for Jonas. I nodded and put the ring on my thumb, not able to swallow the ham past the lump in my throat.

“Sir,” said Andrius, “is Petras Arvydas in your car?”

“I’m sorry, son, he’s not,” said Papa. “This is very dangerous. You must all get back to your train.”

I nodded.

“Jonas.”

“Yes, Papa?” Jonas said, peering up at the hole.

“You’re very brave to have come. You must all stay together. I know you’ll take good care of your sister and mother while I am away.”

“I will, Papa, I promise,” said Jonas. “When will we see you?”

Papa paused. “I don’t know. Hopefully soon.”

I clutched the bundle of clothes. Tears began dropping down my cheeks.

“Don’t cry, Lina. Courage,” said Papa. “You can help me.”

I looked up at him.

“Do you understand?” My father looked at Andrius, hesitant. “You can help me find you,” he whispered. “I’ll know it’s you… just like you know Munch. But you must be very careful.”

“But,” I started, uncertain.

“I love you both. Tell your mother I love her. Tell her to think of the oak tree. Say your prayers, children, and I will hear them. Pray for Lithuania. Now run back. Hurry!”

My chest hurt and my eyes burned. I started to walk but stumbled.

Andrius caught me. “Are you okay?” he asked. His face looked soft, concerned.

“I’m fine,” I said, quickly wiping my eyes and pulling free of his grasp. “Let’s go find your father.”

“No, you heard him. Hurry, run back. Tell your mother what he said.”

“But what about your father?” I asked.

“I’m going to try a few more. I’ll meet you back at our car,” he said. “Just go, Lina. You’re wasting time.”

I hesitated.

“Are you scared to go alone?”

“No! I’m not scared,” I said. “My father said we should stay together, but we’ll go by ourselves.” I snatched Jonas by the hand. “We don’t need him, right, Jonas?”

Jonas stumbled, looking over his shoulder at Andrius.

“HALT!” a voice commanded.

We were so close, nearly under our train car. NKVD boots marched toward us. I tucked my thumb and Papa’s wedding band into my palm.

“Davai!” the voice yelled.

Jonas and I crept out from under the car.

“Lina! Jonas!” yelled Mother, leaning out of the train.

The officer pointed his gun at Mother, signaling for her to be quiet. He then circled around us, his boots coming closer with each turn.

I felt Jonas edge up beside me. I tightened my fist, hoping the guard wouldn’t see Papa’s ring. “We dropped some things down the bathroom hole,” I lied, lifting up the bundle. Mother translated my words into Russian for the guard.

The officer looked at the socks on top of the heap I was holding. He grabbed Jonas and began searching his pockets. I thought of the ham in my dress. How could I explain a slice of ham in my pocket when we were all so hungry? The guard shoved us both to the ground. He waved his rifle around our faces, yelling in Russian. I huddled near Jonas, staring down the barrel of his gun. I closed my eyes . Please, no. He kicked gravel at our legs and then spat, “Davai!” pointing toward the train car.

Mother’s face was ashen. She did a poor job of hiding her fear this time. Her hands trembled and she was nearly panting. “You could have been killed!”

“We’re okay, Mother,” announced Jonas. His voice shook. “We went to find Papa.”

“Where is Andrius?” Mrs. Arvydas looked over our shoulders.

“He came with us,” I said.

“But where is he?” she demanded.

“He wanted to look for his father,” I said.

“His father?” She sighed deeply. “Why doesn’t he believe me? I’ve told him again and again that his father…” She turned around and began to cry.

I realized I had made a great mistake. I should not have left Andrius behind.

“We found him, Mother. We found Papa,” said Jonas.

People crowded toward us. They wanted to know how many men were on the train and if we saw their loved ones.

“He said he thinks we’re going to Siberia,” Jonas reported. “And he gave us some ham. The three of us ate it, but we saved a piece for you. Lina, give Mother the piece of ham.”

I reached in my pocket and handed the piece of ham to Mother.

She saw it, the ring on my thumb.

“In case you need money,” I said. “He said you could sell it.”

“And he said to remember the oak tree,” said Jonas.

Mother took the ring off of my thumb and put it to her lips. She began to cry.

“Don’t cry, Mother,” said Jonas.

“Girl!” shouted the bald man. “What else did you bring to eat?”

“Lina, give this piece of ham to Mr. Stalas,” said Mother, sniffing. “He’s hungry.”

Mr. Stalas. The bald man had a name. I moved toward him. His withered arms were green and purple with bruises. I held out the piece of ham.

“That’s your mother’s,” he said. “What else do you have?”

“That’s all he gave me.”

“How many cars were on that train?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe twenty.”

“He said we’re going to Siberia?”

“Yes.”

“He’s probably right, your father,” he said.