Adrienne Sharp - The True Memoirs of Little K

So I put on my smile. I used two shaking fingers to wipe at my tears. I agreed to stop making a fuss. And the grand duke called me his dushka —thank God I had once been his dushka —and he kissed the top of my head. Good girl .

And there was something else. The grand duke promised if I behaved I would be named prima ballerina assoluta of the Imperial Ballet. So my hysterics had some benefit, after all. And to the envy of all about me, the laughingstock was promoted. Just like that.

Yes, patronage had its advantages and the lack of it disadvantages. My hundred thousand rubles from Niki and the Potato Club would not allow me to live like a Romanov. The money was intended only, I understood, to tide me over until fortune brought me a new protector. At the theater, without one, I would eventually be subject to the whims of the administration or perhaps eclipsed by my rival Olga Preobrajenska, who despite her modesty and lack of cunning was being promoted right behind me, kicking at me with her muscular legs and shoving her plain face right next to mine. And both of us would soon enough be trampled by the younger girls, the ones graduating from the school every year and marching out onto the Maryinsky stage. No, I needed a protector with ties to the court to help me keep my footing at the center of that crowded stage. But Vladimir was, as a brother to the tsar, perhaps a bit too old for me—not that I didn’t think about it! But I was not yet in straitened-enough circumstances to take an old white-bearded grandfather to my bed. Sergei Mikhailovich, however, already making regular visits to my house on Niki’s instructions, might do. When a master tired of his serf mistress, he gave her a dowry and married her off to one of his hunting serfs, one of the elite serfs on the estate. And that is, in essence, what Niki did to me, giving me, well, not quite a dowry, but a purse, and sending it along with his proxy, the serf Sergei Mikhailovich, who was, as general of the artillery, a hunter of men! Clearly, Niki wanted Sergei, whom he trusted above all others, to look after me, and perhaps, too, Niki had intuited as I had that Sergei’s feelings for me ran quietly alongside his own. So Sergei was not a poor choice. His father was the brother of one tsar and the uncle of another, and as such Mikhail Nikolaevich received one of the treasury’s largest appanages ; he owned land and estates all over Russia to which his sons were heirs. In time Sergei would be one of the wealthiest men in the empire, and he was certainly wealthy enough now. And because Sergei was so very close to the tsarevich, on his visits to me he could report on Niki’s summer idyll with Alix in England, on her lessons with Father Yanishev, on Niki and Alix’s service as godparents to the first son of his English cousin George of the chestnuts and pinecones and his wife, May, and of how the baby was not dunked in the baptismal as was the custom here but merely sprinkled with a few drops of holy water. How European Niki was becoming! Yes, Sergei knew all about Niki and Alix’s vacation in Osbourne on the Isle of Wight, where Niki rolled up his trouser legs and trekked down the palace lawn to the sandy beach to count the white sails of the boats he spotted out on the sea. In Sergei’s company, you see, I was never very far from Niki. And I liked Sergei. He taught me how to smoke one of those little yellow cigarettes smoked by the court between dinner courses and how to ride a bicycle, and he promised when I had to travel to Krasnoye Selo in July he would let me use his personal train car. What better way to convince Niki I thought no more of him than he did of me than to quickly take Sergei to my bed? And there was always the chance Niki might become jealous.

I plotted all this while Niki was on the Polar Star in the Baltic Sea, sailing back home to Russia now for his sister Xenia’s wedding to Sergei’s brother Sandro, a union that did not make the royal family very happy, Sandro being one of those Caucasian Romanovs. Yes, I plotted while Niki was on the water, away from Alix but dreaming of her, I’m sure, probably reading over her notes in his journal about me— When we are young, we can’t always hold our own against temptation —as if I were the serpent himself and Niki the innocent! And I worried that Niki, upon his return, might rebuke me in some way for my letter, perhaps by a letter of his own: Dear Mala , it would read, Vengeful demon, dark where Alix is light, turbulent where she is smooth, soiled where she is pure . Soiled by him! And so, being soiled, there was no reason I should not accept the attentions and the protection from Niki offered by Sergei. But what if Niki was so angered by my letter that he yanked Sergei away from me? Where would that leave me then?

And so on July 25 Xenia married Sergei’s brother and Sergei said goodbye to his dreams of her and on July 28 I performed at the gala in honor of the bride and groom at the old Peterhof Palace theater, which had been renovated for the occasion, the galleries lined with tropical plants and both the theater and the long drive to it from the Great Palace fitted with electric lights. The tsarevich sat with his family in the imperial box made to look like an enormous red velvet tent, supported by columns and beams of gold and topped with a crown, and he did not approach to congratulate me after Le Réveil de flore , as was the custom. I knew then not only Sergei’s dreams were in the past, but mine as well. And so, while Xenia’s maids packed away her wedding gown and while Niki was inspired to write Alix, You have got me entirely and forever, soul and spirit, body and heart, everything is yours, yours , Sergei stood behind me in my Petersburg house and took the pins and ribbons from my hair as if I were a little girl being put to bed, and then he began to comb out my hair with his fingers and to roll the long, curled strands of it between his palms. He said nothing, and neither did I. It was late in the evening, eleven o’clock, and the sun had just set so that the air in the house was soft and furred and we felt our way to one of the bedrooms, not the one I had shared with Niki. It took some time to remove all our garments—we wore clothing then, we were dressed, not like today with two or three articles. I myself wore an underskirt to match my overskirt, a frilled blouse, a hooped petticoat and a soft cotton one, a plump cloth pad that had just recently replaced the bustle and that when untied revealed an S-bend corset and its corset cover, a chemise embroidered with tiny roses, frilled drawers that tied at the front with two satin sashes and reached to my knees, and beneath that, high stockings. Yes, I wore all this in July. It was enough to give one pause, a chance to reconsider, but we did not reconsider. Sergei put his hand down my drawers and did something gentle with his finger until I was so full of cries out and whats and wherefores that finally Sergei had to stop to laugh at me and ask, What has Niki been doing with you all this time? (I have to say here that Sergei and his brother Sandro were known as the two great rakes of Petersburg, and now I understood why.) And when I said to him, Nothing like this , I think for him at that moment the ghost of Niki flew out the window, where it was saturated with the scent of grass and drowned by dew, for it was clear Sergei had trumped Niki in matters of the bedroom, if not yet in matters of my heart. Tant pis . So much the worse for Sergei, who began to love me though I did not love him, who would, all his life, seek that love, a woman’s love. Though I did not know this yet, by his bed in Mikhailovsky Palace he kept a framed photo of himself as a toddler standing in his mother’s lap, her winter dress thick with heavy trim, her head bent to his so her chin just touched his hair. Though she holds him close for those minutes before the camera, she did not pet him much—she was too busy for her children. She was quite strict and had a sharp tongue to boot, and Sergei had therefore resigned himself to the perpetual deprivation of affection. Now, with me, he thought he had found happiness and it made him expansive.