Anchee Min - Red Azalea

Yan looked pale when she opened the porch door. She and Leopard were all dressed. My calm must have surprised her because she said, We would like to leave. She wanted to escape from me. Then I said, Congratulations. I did not know why but I just said it. I laughed. I said to Leopard, I enjoyed guarding you two. If you ever need me again, do not hesitate, just let me know. I said to Yan, Goodbye and take care. I tried to put my arm around her, but it was impossible. She disgusted me. She sensed it. She squatted down and pretended to tie her shoes. But she was trying to hold back her tears. She knew, just as I knew, that we would not meet again. She said to Leopard, Let’s go. As if feeling he owed me something, Leopard said appreciatively, You have been a big help-how can I thank you enough? Take care of your woman, I said. He said, I am glad that you are not a man, otherwise you would have been the one to win her. Although Leopard said the words sincerely, they sounded mocking to me. I said to both of them, It’s been my pleasure. I found I could say no more and I went to open the door for them.

I heard the sound of footsteps on the staircase. It was Mother. I said to Yan and Leopard, Wait. Just say hello to my mother, would you? They nodded. I rushed onto the porch and took a quick look inside. Everything was in order-the pillow, the chairs and the blankets. My mother stepped in. I said, Mama, these are my guests from the farm. This is Yan, and this is Leopard. Mother said, Oh, Yan, how could I stop my daughter from talking about you? She went over to Yan and Leopard. They flushed and lowered their heads. I said, Mama, they would like to leave. Mother pulled me to the kitchen and said to me, How come you have served them nothing? I told her that I had served them tea. Mother said, Tea is nothing. Serve them some dumpling soup. The water on the stove is boiled. I could make dumplings in ten minutes. I said, No, there is no need. I let go of Yan. I had to let her go.

At six o’clock in the evening my father returned from the two movies. He was exhausted and had a headache. He told me that I could never make him go to the movies again. I did not talk to him or the rest of the family. I felt so lonely. That night the cow-hair rain tapped on the window and streamed down on the glass like running tears.

No one in the studio said anything about my war with Soviet Wong. Everyone became more careful in their own daily presentation. They watched Soviet Wong’s interest and disinterest and figured out how to act according to what she liked. Nothing was verbally expressed. It was all in the eyes, in that very window of the heart. Every act was precisely performed.

Cheering Spear came to me one evening when I sat among wild grass looking at the setting sun. I was thinking about Yan. I was absorbed in my past. It was a way to escape from the present misery. Cheering Spear had a blade of dog-tail grass in her mouth. She stopped in front of me. She blocked the sun. I looked at her. She was smiling. She took the dog-tail grass out of her mouth and said, I don’t mean to tell you what to do, but if I were you, I would withdraw now. I would propose to go back to where I came from. It is better to bend with the wind when it blows.

I was surprised at her boldness. My anger rose to the tip of my tongue. Mind your own business, I said. I looked at her as I continued: I know no one can be happier that I am about to fall out of the race. It’s written on your face. Go and take a look at that face now. Don’t block my sun here.

I just wanted to show that I care about you, Cheering Spear said. I could never be wrong about what’s on your mind, I said. I hate spies. You can go and report on me now, I told her. She looked at me and said, Yes, I will if you would like me to. She put the dog-tail grass back into her mouth and said, I am glad that you have a sense of where you’ll end up. I said, You don’t know anything about me. Then let me give you some advice, she said. You would feel better if you were more prepared. You know, you are such a bourgeois individualist. Everyone in the studio is convinced that you are the capitalist sprout.

Cheering Spear often reminded me of Lu. It seemed that I could never escape from Lu. There were Lus all over China. I was reminded of the old saying: “Poverty gives birth to evil personalities.”

Really, I don’t have to mind your business since it has already been taken care of by our Party, Cheering Spear said as she lightly walked away. Her shadow on the ground was extremely long that evening. It remained in my sight for quite a while before it was dragged away. Strangely, I thought of those vultures, the eagles who wended their way up mountain paths and wheeled in the sky looking for a chance to dive and pick up their meals.

The next day a notice was sent to us by One Ounce. It said that the Supervisor had arrived in Shanghai and was scheduled to visit the studio sometime during the week to pick the final actress to play Red Azalea.

Meeting the Supervisor, impressing him, might reverse my future. Soviet Wong told us to pick our own material and prepare ourselves for the competition. Before we began our practice, Cheering Spear came to me and said, I think you are going to be the one who wins. I did not answer her. I did not know how to trust her. She asked, after a while, in a casual tone, what I was going to perform. Would it be “Azalea visits the Red Army headquarters” or “Azalea tells her life story”? Sensing that I did not want to answer her, she smiled and said, I am going to perform “Azalea in jail.”

I looked at Cheering Spear. I felt pity for her. It was hard to believe that she chose this part, the part of Red Azalea in jail, behind bars. The scene had only two lines. I could not believe that she could throw away her chance like this. I looked at her, doubting whether I heard her right. Cheering Spear convinced me. She convinced me that her stupidity was real. She was going to perform “Azalea in jail.” It was her choice. I let out a breath. A secret pleasure filled me. I said, Are you sure? She said, Yes, this is what I am going to do. Then she asked, Which part are you going to do? I said offhandedly, “Azalea tells her story.” I said I chose the scene because it was material which allowed me to show different aspects of the character. She said, Let’s wish each other success. She appeared unusually friendly as we practiced together and gave comments on each other’s performance. She constantly complimented me. I could see my success lay at my feet.

The day arrived when my fate would be decided. It was morning, about nine o’clock. A cloudless day. The sunshine axed into the rehearsal room through the windows. The room was filled with people. Everyone was waiting for the Supervisor. Cheering Spear and I were busy going through our last rehearsal in our heads. We paid no attention to how Firewood, Little Bell, and Bee OhYang were feeling. They were assigned to play the supporting roles. Soviet Wong, Sound of Rain, a group of studio heads and newspaper reporters were already seated. They each had a mug of hot tea in their hands. They waited patiently.

I stood by the window. I was taking deep breaths. Cheering Spear did not look as nervous as I did. She came in late and sat by me. She was wearing a red shirt. The red color reflected on her face. She was in good spirits. She asked me whether I was nervous. I said I was, a little. She said she was not. She shook hands with me as we saw a car drive into the studio gate.

The man called the Supervisor was introduced to us. He was wearing a pair of big sunglasses. No one got to see his face much. He was in a green military uniform. He was a medium-sized man. His hair, combed back, was extremely black. He was not as old as I had imagined. He was about forty. He stepped out of the car and walked toward us with vigorous strides. Soviet Wong and Sound of Rain went running up to greet him. They shook hands. He was guided into the room and seated in the middle seat. The performers-Cheering Spear, Firewood, Little Bell, Bee OhYang and I-gathered at the back corner of the room. Soviet Wong announced the program. The program of two candidates running for Red Azalea. She announced Cheering Spear’s name, then my name. When she went to sit down by the Supervisor, our competition began.