Anchee Min - Red Azalea

Although my excuses about the cold weather were becoming less convincing, I still slept with Yan, pretending it was out of habit. Lu became uncomfortable. She said it was not healthy for two people to dissociate themselves from everyone else. She pointed out at a Party members’ meeting that Yan had loosened her self-discipline and was developing a dangerous tendency toward revisionism. She criticized her for divorcing herself from the masses and forming a political faction. Yan told me to ignore Lu; she called her a political bug.

One afternoon I found my bed had been checked. Later that night I also noticed that Lu’s snoring had stopped; I wondered if she had been listening to us. The next day Lu came and said that she would like to have a talk with me. She asked me what I did with Yan at the brick factory. I said we practiced erhu. She said, Is that all? Her eyes told me she did not believe a bit of it. You know I’ve been receiving reports from the masses on you two. She always used “the masses” to state what she wanted to say. I said, I’m sorry, I don’t understand you. She said I’m sure you understand me perfectly. She smiled. I’ve noticed you two have been wearing each other’s clothes. It was true Yan and I had been paying attention to look our best. It was true that we wore each other’s clothes and I had worn her three-inch-wide belt. I asked Lu if it was a problem. Lu did not answer me. She walked away with a we-will-see smile. The same night a new slogan appeared on the cafeteria wall. It said, “Be aware of the new patterns of the class struggle.” Lu gave a speech at the night’s meeting calling for attention to “hiding corrupters in the proletarian rank.” She emphasized that the company should not allow a tiny mouse shit to spoil a jar of porridge.

The same night Yan told me that Lu was secretly calling for approval from the upper Party committee for a midnight search in every mosquito net. She suggested that we stop sleeping together. You must obey me, Yan said seriously. I said, All right, but after tonight.

Yan held me in her arms. I felt as if her arms were about to break my ribs.

The next dawn I was awakened by an unfamiliar breath on my face. I cracked open my eyes. I saw a blurred head swaying in front of me. I was horrified: it was Lu. She was in our net watching us.

My heart screamed. I tried to stay in control. I closed my eyes, pretending that I was still sleeping. I began to tremble. If Lu lifted the blankets, Yan and I would be exposed naked. Lu could have us arrested immediately. I felt Lu’s breath harden. My fingers underneath the blankets were taking a firm hold on the sheet. I prayed-to what, I didn’t know. Just prayed. I felt Lu’s head getting closer and closer to my face. Her hand reached my neck and touched the end of the sheet.

Yan turned to the wall in sleep. Lu’s shadow ducked off. I was paralyzed. When I reopened my eyes, Lu was gone.

Lu stopped asking me questions. And I noticed that I was followed either by her or some of her trusted followers wherever I went. I had become Lu’s target to attack Yan.

It was hard not to be able to be close to Yan. The day became senseless. Yan acted tougher than before. She worked hard and showed no emotions. She dragged Lu to be her partner in carrying stones. To exhaust Lu, she took a full hod and walked as fast as she could. Although Lu curled like a shrimp when she was working with Yan, she never complained. As if she knew one day she would win, she bore the pain almost gracefully. A couple of times I saw her wiping off tears at night while taking her study notes.

You know, I really don’t mind having my body hung upside down or my buttocks pricked by a needle, Lu said to me, raising her head from her notebook with a ghastly smile. Faith is all that I need.

Three weeks later, one evening after work when there was no one in the room, I begged Yan to stop torturing Lu. I asked her to think about the consequences. I said, Don’t forget that a dog would jump over a wall if forced into a corner. Yan pulled me against the door and said, Lu wants the power, she wants to push me off of my position. It doesn’t matter whether I’m nice to her or not, she’s decided to be my enemy. She knows very well that by breaking you, she can break me. Yan then told me that two weeks ago when she nominated me to be a member of the Communist Party to the farm’s headquarters, Lu voted an objection. She won’t allow a tiger to grow a pair of wings, Yan said to me. Do you understand? You are my wings!

I said I did not really care to join the Party anyway. But you need the Party membership, said Yan. It’s a weapon for your future. I said, What could you do about Lu’s objection? “If someone takes the initiative to hurt me, I will hurt him back,” Yan recited Mao’s quotation, and continued, I went to headquarters this afternoon. The chief wanted to talk about Lu’s promotion with me. I did the same thing to her that she had done to you. I picked some bones out of her fucking egg. It was successful. The chief dropped the proposal.

I asked what she was going to do with Lu’s hatred. She said she could care less as she herself was a dog pushed into the corner. We walked on a foggy path stepping on the dew. I said I was tired of life and I hated being a bullet lying in a rifle chamber. Yan said she felt the same way. But it’s better to fight than to be torn alive, she said. It must be fate that we were born at this time. If you can’t go back to your mother’s womb, you’d better learn to be a good fighter.

Spring Festival Holiday came. To set ourselves up as good examples for the soldiers, Yan and I volunteered to guard the company’s property over the holidays, so that we could spend time together. After the last soldier was gone, at dawn, Yan and I went to the fields to dig radishes and cauliflowers. We cooked delicious soup that night.

After dinner, late in the evening, Yan and I went for a long walk in the frosted field. I felt that I was completely at peace, both in mind and body. I looked at Yan, her rigid features against the black sky. She was an iron goddess. I once again felt worshipful of her and it made me fall speechless. I walked shoulder-to-shoulder with her. She stared into the far distance, buried in thought. The cold air was brisk. I took deep breaths. Yan was thinking about her future and mine, I was sure. It depressed me to follow her thoughts. What control did we have over our own future? None. The life we were living was our assigned future, just like our parents’: one job for a lifetime-a screw fixed on the revolutionary running machine, not until broken down does it pass.

Yan took my hand and held it tight. We sat in the dark reeds, depressed and pleased at the same time.

When we got back to our room, Lu appeared unexpectedly. She said that she wanted to replace either Yan or me, so that one of us could have a vacation. We were greatly disappointed, but neither of us said a word.

The invisible battle between Lu and us was as tough as the frozen salty brown mud. Lu never stopped watching us. She became addicted to watching us. Yan and I lived around her traps. During the day, we rearranged the grain storage and selected the cotton. Yan and I remained silent most of the time. At night we each slept in our own nets and thought about each other. One afternoon I found Lu’s shadow hiding behind the door, listening to our conversation. After I signaled to Yan where Lu was hiding, Yan picked up a wood stick. Pretending she was chasing a rat, she knocked open the door and exposed Lu. Lu smiled awkwardly; she said she was looking for some mosquitoes to clap. Yan was annoyed. One day when Lu was out in the fields, she took Lu’s skull and threw it into a manure pit. Lu turned purple when she got back and could not find the skull. Yan did not admit to the act. Lu did not say any more about the skull but carved the date on the door. When I looked at the dull but determined carving strokes, I could feel Lu’s choking strength. Strap it tight! Yes, tighter! Tighter! One night I heard Lu crying out in her sleep.