Mika Waltari - The Wanderer

When at last Andy grasped the chaplain’s meaning he flew into a passion, drew his sword, and would certainly have stabbed Father Julianus to death had I not sprung between them. I reproached our guest very volubly for his suspicions, and explained that Andy’s sweetheart was of noble birth and the heiress to a great Hungarian estate. The wedding must necessarily be a quiet one, I said, because of the unhappy conditions prevailing in her own country. Father Julianus should have three ducats for uniting them and an extra ducat for the poor box.

But Father Julianus only half believed me; peering at all three of us suspiciously, he said, “There’s something fishy about this affair. You wouldn’t have summoned me at this time of night and to a brothel if you had nothing to hide. I won’t risk my neck by being a party to it-at any rate not for four ducats.”

Andy in his madness made no attempt to bargain, but offered the blackguard twenty Hungarian ducats, which only made him the more suspicious. Nevertheless he opened his book, read the necessary benedictions, and joined the pair in matrimony without further remark. Even in his impious mouth the ancient Latin words had a solemn sound.

Finally he asked Andy for the ring, that he might set it upon the bride’s finger and declare them man and wife. In his extremity Andy asked me for Grand Vizier Ibrahim’s valuable diamond ring-a request so outrageous as to do more than anything to convince me that his mind was unhinged. Storm and swear as I would, he snatched it from my purse by force and handed it to Father Julianus, who slipped it on the girl’s finger. So it left our possession for ever.

At the sight of this magnificent stone Father Julianus looked much disconcerted and seemed to wonder what sort of men we really were. He brought the ceremony speedily to a close, pronounced the benediction with all the power and authority of Holy Church, swept the coins rapidly into his greasy purse, and prepared to leave. He said, “I have talked myself dry and will gladly drink to your welfare and success if you wish it. No doubt you will stay here for the rest of the night to fulfill the first obligations of matrimony, and I will visit you again to bestow the blessing of the Lord upon you both.”

I suspected that we had walked into a trap, but Andy caught Father Julianus by the ear, poured wine down his throat, and said hospitably, “Drink, dear Father. For once at least swallow enough to know that you have drunk. Tonight I care not what it costs. Michael can fetch us another couple of flagons of this nectar.”

Father Julianus struggled violently, spluttered and protested, but Andy forced his swollen nose into the stoup and bade me fetch more wine. When he released him for a moment the pious Father at once began accusing us of treachery and cursing us for renegades, and swore that the first time he saw us in Paris he could smell the sulphurous fumes of heresy about us. Andy soothed him, saying, “This is for your own good, dear Father Julianus, but if you’d rather have your throat cut I’ve nothing against it. Don’t tempt me too far, for I can’t forget your dastardly desertion of us at the inn outside Paris, when you left us a curt letter as sole memento of all our cares and troubles.”

He drew his knife, spat into his palm, and began to whet the blade. Father Julianus at once fell silent and his face turned gray. The villain had known every twist and turn of fortune, and saw that he would be wise to submit to the inevitable. In a faint voice he asked for more wine, and I went at once to fetch it.

It was not long before he began assuring us that he had always regarded Mohammed as a most eminent prophet, and that the Church had taken up a very narrow-minded attitude to polygamy, notwithstanding the good example set by the patriarchs. He went on to lament the harshness of the provost marshal to a poor army chaplain in begrudging him his modest earnings. But when he began to stammer and hiccup and prop himself against the edge of the table Andy told me to go, and to take Father Julianus with me. After many vain protests I staggered with the chaplain down the steep stairs and our kind hostess helped me to carry him into another room. She then offered me the services of her establishment, but I was in too dejected a mood to avail myself of them and crept into bed beside the snoring Father Julianus, where for greater safety I tied his left leg to my right. I then fell asleep, with a clear conscience as my only pillow.

I slept very heavily and was only awoken by Father Julianus tugging violently at my leg. He was sitting up beside me and having said a prayer he whispered, “Don’t move, for we’ve fallen into the hands of robbers. They have bound me so that I can’t get out of bed, and one of my legs is so numb that I haven’t a vestige of feeling in it, though I’ve done all I can to rub it back to life.”

He pummeled my own leg in despair until in pity I untied it from his and showed him where his right leg lay safe under the blanket. Having regained his composure he remembered what had happened. His face darkened, and I had just time to catch him by the shirt before he sneaked through the door. I warned him that I was quicker on my feet than he, and could easily take his life if he tried to betray us. He heaved a sigh of resignation and proposed that we should taste a drop of mulled wine together.

I had nothing against this proposal and in all harmony we crept downstairs, picked our way among sleeping soldiers and all the sordid confusion of the night’s orgies, and heated wine for ourselves over the glowing embers of the hearth. Remembering Andy and his bride I saved wine and bread for them, and being wishful to shake the dust of the city from my feet as quickly as might be I went at once to their room in company with the chaplain.

Andy lay snoring on his back, while his young wife lay in a deep sleep with her face pressed to his hairy chest and her arms about his neck. I quickly covered their nakedness with a blanket, to spare Father Julianus’s feelings, but the sound of the hot iron hissing in the wine woke Andy as by magic. His eyes flew open, and hastily thrusting the naked girl away from him he drew the blanket up to his chin and cried, “What in the name of Allah has happened? Who is this shameless woman? Take her away!”

I spoke soothingly to him as with hair on end and an expression of utter amazement on his face he swallowed a stoup of wine. Little by little memory returned to him and he sat muttering to himself, uncertain whether to be glad or sorry at his sudden marriage. So absurd did he look that I too hardly knew whether to laugh or cry.

But a cup of scalding wine is the best remedy for perplexity. We forgot our worries and broke spontaneously into a French song, as an aubade to the young bride.

But for all our din the girl never moved; indeed she scarcely seemed to breathe. She lay motionless, her lips parted and her clear skin looking even paler for the dark hair that lay in disorder over the pillow, and for the long lashes that shaded the rings beneath her eyes. Andy gazed at her fearfully and poked her with his forefinger, but she only stirred a little and went on sleeping. Tears rose to Andy’s eyes as he told us to be quiet, and with a shake of his head he said, “Let the poor child sleep. She’s a tender little foal and must be very tired, though I held her as gently as I could. I know already that this is one of the very few marriages that angels in heaven have arranged; but for all that I shall demand my legal rights and fight tooth and nail for my wife’s interests. We had better hasten at once to Hungary, to be there in time for the counting of the livestock.”

The eyes of Father Julianus glistened as he said quickly, “What will you give me besides my freedom if I help you to pass through the city gates unscathed?”