Anchee Min - Empress Orchid

“How can I pretend to be excited when I am not?”

“Fake it! It is a son-of-a-dog act! The worst part is, by the time you reach perfection, you are too old. Youth evaporates like dew, born in the morning and dead in the afternoon.”

The Mistress threw herself into a chair. Her chest pumped as if she had just been revived after nearly drowning.

The two girls sat by themselves and remained stone-faced.

I put my clothes back on and got ready to leave.

“One last thing,” the Mistress uttered from the chair. “Don’t ever voice your disappointment, no matter how hurt or angry you are. Don’t try to argue with him.”

“I don’t even know if there will be a conversation.”

“Some men like to chat afterwards.”

“Well, as long as he is interested, I intend to continue my act.”

“Good.”

“I also would like to-I mean, if the situation permits-ask him questions. Can I?”

“Be sure to ask dumb questions.”

“Dumb questions? Why?”

“Without exception, a woman who tries to show that she’s got a brain gets abandoned.”

“Why?”

“Why? Men hate to be challenged. It’s simply demeaning to them.”

“So I should act dumb?”

“You’ll be doing yourself a favor.”

“But…” I couldn’t imagine myself acting dumb on purpose. “It is not part of my nature.”

“Make it yours!” The Mistress stared at me with wide eyes. Her skin was bleached out by the light and became pale, almost bluish.

“Thank you, madam,” I said.

Taking out the hairpin from her inner pocket, she wiped it with her sleeve. “We are talking about survival. Like I said, I want to be worthy of your hairpin.”

“It was a good lesson.” I bowed lightly. “Goodbye and thanks.”

The Mistress licked the hairpin with her tongue. “What kind of man are you seeing, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“I wish I knew.” I walked toward the door and lifted the curtain.

PURPLE WISTERIA fell in cascades from the roof. Birds and crickets and other insects chirped in the bushes. The moment had come. Emperor Hsien Feng had summoned me.

To calm my excitement, I went to sit by the peony garden. The terraces were the most beautiful architectural ornament of my palace. The flowers of a deeper hue were planted near the shore of the pond. The blooms became lighter as the garden rose on the hillside, creating the illusion of a landscape fading away into the far distance. The view inspired me as an example of what one could achieve with what was offered in life.

At lunch I ordered my favorite food, Yang-chou noodles. An-te-hai and I celebrated my good luck. I wrote a poem entitled “Yang-chou Noodles.”

My official preparations took several hours. Eunuchs were sent from the Emperor’s palace to help. Together my eunuchs and ladies in waiting bathed and perfumed me. I was wrapped naked in a white silk cloth and carried by four eunuchs on a litter. I was on my way to His Majesty Emperor Hsien Feng’s bedchamber in the Hall of Spiritual Nurturing, three palaces south of the Palace of Concentrated Beauty, where I lived.

We passed the Palace of Grand Harmony and the Palace of Luminous Virtue and moved through the grand hallways of the Palace of Peace and Longevity. The temperature dropped as night fell, and I was cold under the thin cloth. An-te-hai had been thoughtful enough to bring an extra blanket, and he covered me with it.

The moment we arrived at His Majesty’s inner chambers, An-te-hai was ordered to retreat. Chief Eunuch Shim received me and quietly guided the litter bearers in. After a few turns I entered a room brightened with large red candles and wall-to-wall yellow silk curtains. In the middle of the room was His Majesty’s bed.

The eunuchs who had brought me departed and were replaced with a group of Hsien Feng’s eunuchs, dressed in fine yellow silk robes. They quickly pulled out embroidered sheets, blankets and comforters. After the bed was prepared they gently lifted me to the edge of its huge surface and then left the room.

Another group of eunuchs entered. They each held heated copper pots in their hands. They warmed the sheets and comforters with the pots. Then they unwrapped me. Laying me on the side of the bed nearest the wall, they covered me with warm sheets. From beginning to end, their faces remained expressionless. When their hands touched my body, it made me feel like just another pillow. When all was set, they let down the bed curtain and retreated.

The room was deadly quiet. The smell of incense grew strong. Through the curtain I observed the room, which was filled with works of calligraphy and paintings. The largest painting was of a Buddha crossing a river. The Buddha was painted in pure gold. He was a giant with a huge belly and he rode on a thin lotus leaf. He showed no concern over the possibility of sinking, for his eyes were fully closed and his mouth revealed a faint smile. In his hands was the famous jar of wisdom. To the right of the painting was a blue bookshelf stacked with books. Two floor-length lanterns decorated with calligraphy hung from the ceiling. Everything was carved and coated with gold. Images of dragons and cranes were repeated throughout the room. Panels on both sides of one of the windows read: Luck year in, year out and Peace with all matters. A qin, a seven-stringed instrument of polished wood, lay on a shelf behind the bed.

I was thirsty and realized that I had barely eaten that day. Lately I had been having trouble eating and sleeping. All my energy had gone into imagining what it would be like to sleep with His Majesty. I wondered how he would begin with me, which part of my body he would explore first, and if everything about me would please him enough. I wondered if he would compare me with other women. What would happen if he found that I was not to his taste? Would he order me to leave? Would he leave me?

Chief Eunuch Shim made it clear that once I was found unsuitable, the abandonment would be entirely my own responsibility. Recently, His Majesty was said to be prone to mood swings. An-te-hai heard from another eunuch that one evening the Emperor had summoned six concubines, one after the other, and all were found wanting. He kicked them out and told Shim that he never wanted to see the women again. The word “never” from the Son of Heaven carried great weight-they were removed from their palaces and banished to the deep end of the Forbidden City, where they would grow and carve yoo-hoo-loos for the rest of their lives.

Would the same happen to me tonight? What would or could I do if it did happen? I remembered Big Sister Fann telling me that His Majesty considered concubines to be dishes forced down his throat. The thought disturbed me so much that I failed to pray for Heaven’s blessing. I lay in the bed with my face to the wall. I was cold from head to toe.

The red candles produced a sweet jasmine scent. Exhaustion hung upon me like a heavy lid. Why add additional weight to a burden that was already heavy? The youth in my spirit rose. It called me a “walking stick made of ice.” I rebuked myself for creating my own frosty weather. Feel the sunlight! my youthful wisdom cried. Why betray your courage, Orchid? Since your father’s death there hadn’t been a path until you walked on the weeds!

I heard a man’s voice. It came from the right side of the connecting hall. It could be no one but His Majesty Emperor Hsien Feng.