Percival Leigh - The Comic English Grammar - A New And Facetious Introduction To The English Tongue

The moon, we think, is accounted feminine, because she is thus maintained and kept up in her splendor, like a fine lady, by her husband the sun. Furthermore, the moon is continually changing; on which account alone she might be referred to the feminine gender. The earth is feminine, tricked out, as she is, with gems and flowers. Cities and towns are likewise feminine, because there are as many windings, turnings, and little odd corners in them as there are in the female mind. A ship is feminine, inasmuch as she is blown about by every wind. Virtue is feminine by courtesy. Fortune and misfortune, like mother and daughter, are both feminine. The Church is feminine, because she is married to the state; or married to the state because she is feminine – we do not know which. Time is masculine, because he is so trifled with by the ladies.

The English language distinguishes the sex in three manners; namely,

1. By different words; as,

MALE. FEMALE.

Bachelor Maid.

Brother Sister.

Wizard Father And several other

Witch Mother, &c.

Words we don't mention,

(Pray pardon the crime,)

Worth your attention,

But wanting in rhyme.

2. By a difference of termination; as,

MALE. FEMALÉ.

Poet Poetess.

Lion Lioness, &c.

3. By a noun, pronoun, or adjective being prefixed to the substantive;

as, male. female.

A cock-lobster A hen-lobster.

A jack-ass A jenny-ass (vernacular.)

A man-servant, A maid-servant, or flunkey. or Abigail.

A male flirt (A common animal) A female flirt (A rare animal.)

We have heard it said, that every Jack has his Jill. That may be; but it is by no means true that every cock has his hen; for there is a

Cock-swain, but no Hen-swain.

Cock-eye, but no Hen-eye.

Cock-ade, but no Hen-ade.

Cock-atrice, but no Hen-atrice.

Cock-horse, but no Hen-horse.

Cock-ney, but no Hen-ney.

Then we have a weather-cock, but no weather-hen; a tum-cock, but no turn-hen; and many a jolly cock, but not one jolly hen; unless we except some of those by whom their mates are pecked.

Some words; as, parent, child, cousin, friend, neighbour, servant and several others, are either male or female, according to circumstances.

It is a great pity that our language is so poor in the terminations that denote gender. Were we to say of a woman that she is a rogue, a knave, a scamp, or a vagabond, we feel that we should use, not only strong but improper expressions. Yet we have no corresponding terms to apply, in case of necessity, to the female. Why is this? Doubtless because we never want them. For the same reason, our forefathers transmitted to us the words, philosopher, astronomer, philologer, and so forth, without any feminine equivalent. Alas! for the wisdom of our ancestors! They never calculated on the March of Intellect.

Number is the consideration of an object as one or more; as, one poet, two, three, four, five poets; and so on, ad infinitum.

The singular number expresses one object only; as a towel, a viper.

The plural signifies more objects than one; as, towels, vipers.

Some nouns are used only in the singular number; dirt, pitch, tallow, grease, filth, butter, asparagus, &c.; others only in the plural; as, galligaskins, breeches, &c.

Some words are the same in both numbers; as, sheep, swine, and some others.

The plural number of nouns is usually formed by adding s to the singular; as, dove, doves, love, loves, &c.

Julia, dove returns to dove,

Quid pro quo, and love for love;

Happy in our mutual loves,

Let us live like turtle doves!

When, however, the substantive singular ends in x, ch softy sh, ss, or s , we add es in the plural.

But remember, though box

In the plural makes boxes,

That the plural of ox

Should be oxen , not oxes.

There is nearly as much difference between Latin and English substantives, with respect to the number of cases pertaining to each, as there is between a quack-doctor and a physician; for while in Latin sub-stantives have six cases, in English they have but three. But the analogy should not be strained too far; for the fools in the world (who furnish the quack with his cases) more than double the number of the wise.

The cases of substantives are these: the Nominative, the Possessive or Genitive, and the Objective or Accusative.

The Nominative Case merely expresses the name of a thing, or the subject of the verb: as, "The doctors differ;" – "The patient dies!"

Possession, which is nine points of the law, is what is signified by the Possessive Case. This case is distinguished by an apostrophe, with the letter s subjoined to it: as, My soul's idol!" – "A pudding's end."

But when the plural ends in s , the apostrophe only is retained, and the other s is omitted: as, "The Ministers' Step;" – "The Rogues' March;" – "Crocodiles' tears – "Butchers' mourning."

When the singular terminates in ss , the letter s is sometimes, in like manner, dispensed with: as, "For goodness' sake!" – "For righteousness' sake!" Nevertheless, we have no objection to "Burgess's" Stout.

The Objective Case follows a verb active, and expresses the object of an action, or of a relation: as "Spring beat Bill;" that is, Bill or "William Neate." Hence, perhaps, the phrase, "I'll lick you elegant ." The Objective Case is also used with a preposition: as, "You are in a mess."

English substantives may be declined in the following manner:

What is the nominative case

Of her who used to wash your face,

Your hair to comb, your boots to lace?

A mother!

What the possessive?

Whose the slap

That taught you not to spill your pap,

Or to avoid a like mishap!

A mother's!

And shall I the objective show?

What do I hear where'er I go?

How is your? – whom they mean I know,

My mother!

Who are the anxious watchers o'er

The slumbers of a little bore,

That screams whene'er it doesn't snore?

Why, mothers! Whose pity wipes its piping eyes,

And stills maturer childhood's cries,

Stopping its mouth with cakes and pies?

Oh! mother's!

And whom, when master, fierce and fell,

Dusts truant varlets' jackets well,

Whom do they, roaring, run and tell?

Their mothers!

An English Adjective, whatever may be its gender, number, or case, like a rusty weathercock, never varies. Thus we say, "A certain cabinet; certain rogues." But as a rusty weathercock may vary in being more or less rusty, so an adjective varies in the degrees of comparison.

The degrees of comparison, like the Genders, the Graces, the Fates, the Kings of Cologne, the Weird Sisters, and many other things, are three; the Positive, the Comparative, and the Superlative.

The Positive state simply expresses the quality of an object; as, fat, ugly, foolish.

The Comparative degree increases or lessens the signification of the positive; as fatter, uglier, more foolish, less foolish.

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