Джеффри Арчер - This Was a Man

‘And his ears,’ said Emma.

‘Well done, Mama, I’m glad you worked that one out.’

‘But look more closely at the eyes,’ said Samantha, ‘and you’ll see two images of naked women.’

‘Yes, I can see them, but why is the man’s tongue poking out?’

‘I can’t imagine, Mother,’ said Seb.

‘But at three thousand pounds,’ continued Emma, still unconvinced, ‘will anyone buy it?’

‘I intend to,’ said Seb.

‘That’s very loyal of you, my darling, but where on earth will you hang it?’

‘In the banking hall, so everyone can see it.’

‘Sebastian, it’s a giant condom!’

‘It is indeed, Mother, and I suspect one or two of our more enlightened customers might even recognize it as such.’

‘And no doubt you can also explain the title to me,’ said Emma. ‘ Every Seven Seconds ?’

Sebastian was saved when a distinguished-looking gentleman appeared by their side.

‘Good evening, minister,’ he said to Emma. ‘May I say how delighted I am to see you and your husband at the RA.’

‘Thank you, Sir Hugh. We wouldn’t have missed it.’

‘Is there a particular reason you interrupted your busy schedule to join us?’

‘My granddaughter,’ said Emma, gesturing towards Every Seven Seconds , unable to hide her embarrassment.

‘You must be very proud,’ said the former president of the RA. ‘It is to her credit that she has never mentioned her distinguished grandparents.’

‘I suspect that if your father is a banker and your grandmother a Tory politician, it’s not something you would want to share with your artistic friends. But then I doubt if she’s ever told you we have two of your watercolours hanging in our home in the country.’

‘I’m flattered,’ said Sir Hugh. ‘But I confess I wish I had been born with your granddaughter’s talent.’

‘That’s kind of you, but can I ask you for your candid opinion of Jessica’s latest work?’

The PPRA took a long look at Every Seven Seconds , before saying, ‘Original, innovative. Stretches the boundaries of one’s imagination. I would suggest it is influenced by Marcel Duchamp.’

‘I agree with you, Sir Hugh,’ said Sebastian, ‘which is precisely the reason I’m going to buy the picture.’

‘I’m afraid it’s already been sold.’

‘Someone’s actually bought it?’ said Emma incredulously.

‘Yes, an American dealer snapped it up as soon as the show opened, and several other customers, like you, have been disappointed to find it had already been sold.’

Emma was speechless.

‘Please, will you excuse me, because it’s time to announce the winner of this year’s gold medal.’ Sir Hugh gave a slight bow before leaving them to walk over to the stage at the far end of the room.

Emma was still speechless when a couple of photographers began taking pictures of her standing beside the painting. A journalist turned a page of his notepad and said, ‘May I ask, minister, what you think of your granddaughter’s portrait?’

‘Original, innovative. Stretches the boundaries of one’s imagination. I would suggest it was influenced by Marcel Duchamp.’

‘Thank you, minister,’ said the journalist, writing down her words before hurrying away.

‘You are not only shameless, Mama, but your audacity stretches the boundaries of one’s imagination. I’ll bet you’d never heard of Duchamp before today.’

‘Let’s be fair,’ said Harry, ‘your mother never behaved like this before she became a politician.’

There was a gentle tap on the microphone, and everyone turned to face the stage.

‘Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Hugh Casson, and I’d like to welcome you to the Royal Academy School’s exhibition. As chairman of the awards panel, it is now my privilege to announce the winner of this year’s gold medal. I usually preface my words by saying what a difficult decision it has been for the judges, and how unlucky the runners-up were, but not on this occasion, because the panel was unanimous in awarding this year’s gold medal to—’

‘You must be so proud of your granddaughter,’ said the Permanent Secretary when she joined the minister in her office the next morning. ‘She’ll be among such illustrious company.’

‘Yes, I read the details in this morning’s papers, and all the different interpretations of the picture, but tell me, Pauline, what did you make of it?’

‘Original, innovative, and it stretches the boundaries of one’s imagination.’

‘That’s all I need,’ said Emma, not attempting to hide her sarcasm. ‘But I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that it’s a giant condom, which the Sun featured on its front page.’

‘And that condom got more coverage than the government’s entire PR campaign for safer sex, which as I’m sure you remember, minister, you launched last year.’

‘Well, I did manage the odd headline when I said I hoped the campaign would be penetrative,’ said Emma with a smile. ‘Anything else, Pauline?’

‘I’ve just read the latest version of your speech for next Thursday’s debate, minister.’

‘And it sent you to sleep?’

‘I did find it a little prosaic.’

‘A polite way of saying it was dull.’

‘Well, let’s say that an injection of humour wouldn’t do any harm.’

‘Especially as humour is my brother’s forté.’

‘It just might make a difference if the press are right in suggesting it’s going to be a close-run thing.’

‘Can’t we rely on the facts to persuade the waverers?’

‘I wouldn’t count on it, minister. And I think you ought to know that the PM has asked what plans we have in place should we lose the vote.’

‘Has she indeed? Then I’d better go over the speech yet again this weekend. The irony is that if it wasn’t my brother I was up against, I’d be asking him to add the odd bon mot.’

‘I’m sure he’d like to,’ said Pauline, ‘but no doubt that’s why Kinnock gave him the job in the first place.’

‘Hardly subtle,’ said Emma. ‘Anything else?’

‘Yes, minister, I wonder if I might discuss a personal matter with you.’

‘That sounds rather serious, Pauline, but yes, of course.’

‘Have you been following the latest research to come out of the States concerning DNA?’

‘Can’t say I have,’ said Emma. ‘My red boxes provide me with quite enough reading as it is.’

‘It’s just that I felt the most recent breakthrough in the field might interest you.’

‘Why?’ said Emma, genuinely puzzled.

‘Scientists can now prove conclusively if two people are related.’

‘How did you know?’ asked Emma quietly.

‘When someone is appointed as a minister to the Crown, we prepare a file on them, so that if the press contact us about their past, we are at least forewarned.’

‘And have the press been in touch?’

‘No. But I was at school when the trial was held in the House of Lords that passed judgement on whether your brother or Harry Clifton was the first born, and therefore the lawful heir to the Barrington title and estates. All of us at Berkhamsted High thought it was very romantic at the time, and were delighted when their lordships came down in favour of your brother, making it possible for you to marry the man you loved.’

‘And now I would finally be able to discover if their lordships’ judgement was correct,’ said Emma. ‘Give me a little time to think about it, because I certainly wouldn’t be willing to go ahead without Harry’s blessing.’

‘Of course, minister.’

‘On a lighter note, Pauline, you said you kept a file on me. Does that mean you have a file on every other minister?’