Фэнни Флэгг - The Wonder Boy of Whistle Stop

“Daddy, are you trying to get thrown out of here?”

He looked surprised. “No. We just need a little more room, don’t we, boy? Oh, and one other thing. Virgil would like a scratching post and, later, when we get that extra room, one of those big cat towers.”

At that moment, Virgil jumped down and sauntered over to Ruthie and rubbed against her leg.

Bud was delighted. “Aw…look at that, Ruthie. He likes you.”

She sighed and reached down and petted him. “How big of a scratching post?”

“Oh, large to extra large should do it.”

As she drove away, she wondered how in the world she was going to sneak a scratching post past Mr. Merris. Poor Daddy. He clearly loved that cat. She should have just picked Virgil up and taken him to the humane society, but her daddy looked so happy. And he really was a sweet cat. Oh dear. This was probably not going to end well.

ATLANTA, GEORGIA

THE DAUGHTER WASN’T fooling anybody. Mr. Merris could clearly see on the security tape that it was a large cat scratching post she had stashed under her coat. He had suspected it. Several people had mentioned hearing a low meowing sound coming from the Threadgoode unit.

If Mr. Merris had not been so afraid of displeasing Martha Lee, he would have thrown Threadgoode out when he’d disappeared and caused such a public scene. And now this. This blatant nose-thumbing at the rules and the bylaws of Briarwood. “This will not stand. Rules are to be obeyed.” Under his management, Briarwood Manor was a tight ship, and Mr. Threadgoode was rocking the boat. “Steps must be taken.” He could not have the residents running amok. “Decorum must be maintained at all costs.”

And if Martha Lee Caldwell did call and complain about the eviction notice, he could always blame it on the health department.

RUTHIE KNEW THIS call would be coming, she just didn’t know when. But sure enough, when she answered her phone, it was Mr. Merris.

“Mrs. Caldwell, good morning. How are you this morning?”

“Why just fine, Mr. Merris. How are you?”

“Fine as well…thanks for asking. Uh, I’m calling because we seem to have a slight little problem.”

“Oh?” she said, and waited for the shoe to drop.

“As I’m sure you know, we have a ‘no animals allowed’ policy here at Briarwood.”

“Yes…I did know that.”

“I see. And were you aware that your father has a live cat in his apartment?”

Ruthie didn’t want to lie. She had been sneaking in food and kitty litter for over two weeks now, so she just said, “Umm…”

“Yes, well, anyway, he does, and unfortunately one of our cleaning ladies was unaware of that fact, as was I, and happened to open a drawer when it jumped out and attacked her. Rather severely.”

“Oh no.”

“So I’m sure you understand that although we hate to do it, under these circumstances, I’ve had to serve him an eviction notice.”

“My father?”

“Oh…no. The cat. Now, I can let you handle the removal or one of our staff members will be happy to pick it up and take it wherever your father sees fit.”

“Mr. Merris, let me talk to him first, and see what we can do.”

—

BUD WAS WAITING for her call and started talking as soon as he picked up. “First of all, Ruthie, what was she doing opening my underwear drawer? She had no business doing that. Virgil naturally thought she was a burglar. He was just protecting my underwear.”

“What was Virgil doing in your underwear drawer?”

“He sleeps there. It’s his daytime nap place.”

“Mr. Merris said the cat attacked her.”

“Oh, for God’s sake. I saw it. It was nothing. He barely broke the skin. The woman is just trying to make a big deal out of it.”

“Well, whatever, but Mr. Merris told me he’s sent an eviction notice. What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“Well, should I come and get the cat?”

“No….Oh, I don’t know. I’ll call you back.”

After she hung up she felt so bad. Poor Daddy, he seemed so upset. She guessed she could always bring Virgil home with her, but that might cause another big problem. Martha Lee was deathly allergic to animal hair, so she would never be able to come over to the house anymore.

The more Ruthie thought about it, the more she realized that might not be a bad idea.

THE NEXT AFTERNOON when they came back from lunch, all the residents at Briarwood Manor found a bulletin that had been shoved under their door.

ATTENTION ALL RESIDENTS

Please attend town hall meeting in auditorium

tonight at 8:00.

VERY IMPORTANT!!

Everyone was curious and wondered what it was about. That night after dinner, they all filed in to the auditorium and were surprised to see Bud Threadgoode up on the stage, sitting beside a small table. On the table was what looked to be an animal carrier. Some of the people seated up front saw that there was something orange inside, moving around.

Everyone was seated. Including Mr. Merris, who had been reached at home and informed about the impromptu meeting. Bud stood up.

“Good evening, ladies and gentleman. Thank you so much for coming. I’m sure you are wondering why I called this meeting tonight. It is to discuss the serious matter of Mr. Virgil vs. Briarwood Manor, Inc.”

He tapped on the carrier and said, “Mr. Virgil has chosen me to speak on his behalf, due to the fact that although he understands English, he does not speak it. So let me get straight to the point. Two days ago, Mr. Virgil was sent an eviction notice and was ordered to vacate the premises within three days. The notice cited an infraction of rule number 246 in the Briarwood Manor bylaws. An infraction that Mr. Virgil is vigorously protesting on the grounds that, number one, possession is nine-tenths of the law, and number two, that he is probably the quietest resident here, and also the cleanest. He does not smoke, drink, or entertain members of the opposite sex in his room, nor does he throw any wild parties. In fact, if anything, he believes his presence has improved Briarwood Manor by eliminating three large rodents from the premises, and he is willing to place what is left of said rats in evidence.” Bud held up a small sack and put it back down.

“Mr. Virgil and I would like the opportunity to challenge rule 246 established in 1947, which states, ‘Residents may not under any circumstances feed or keep any animal on premises,’ on grounds that this rule is outdated and inhumane.

“This same law restricts residents from keeping even a tiny little songbird. Mr. Virgil and I further contend that of all the age groups, seniors in particular need something alive around them. Something they can love and care for. And with so many little homeless animals needing homes, we believe that changing this rule would be beneficial for all parties.

“Now, as shareholders in Briarwood Manor, Inc., we as residents have the majority of votes to overturn laws as we see fit. So let me put it to a vote. How many would not object to a neighbor keeping a small animal, and if you could, would any of you be interested in having a kitten?” Bud looked out across the room, and several hands went up at once. One by one, many others slowly followed.

Bud looked out. “Good. Okay, then let’s discuss the possibilities of…”

But before Bud could continue his speech, a lady in the third row stood up and said, “Hey, Bud, how about rabbits? They don’t bark and they can be housetrained.”

Several people in the audience nodded and murmured in agreement.

Another man in the back shouted out, “What about ferrets? I love ferrets.”

Mr. Merris moaned and sank down lower and lower in his seat. When the meeting ended and people lined up to come up onstage and pet Virgil, he could see the handwriting on the wall. And two days later, after the official vote was taken and sent to the board, his goose was cooked.