Даниэла Стил - The Affair

“I was never bored with you,” he said, serious again. And she was never bored with him either.

“And it was no little fling,” she reminded him. “It was a wild, passionate, crazy love affair, all over the press, and you had a baby with her. It couldn’t have gotten much worse.” He hung his head, knowing he couldn’t argue with her. He felt deeply remorseful for what he had done, even if it was too late now, which it seemed to be for her.

“I just don’t want us to end in divorce,” he said so sadly that it tugged at her heart. She didn’t want it to either, but there seemed to be no other right answer. “That’s so ugly and so sad, and so final.”

“I don’t feel like I have any other choice,” she said, and he could see he couldn’t sway her. She couldn’t forgive him. He had wanted to give it one more try before they met at the notaire a week later. If there was any chance at all of turning the tides, he wanted to try and convince her while he saw her face-to-face. He had nothing to lose now, but he could see that she was immovable on the subject. He had pushed her too far, and been too foolish, even heartless, with what he’d done. Now he had to face the consequences. He had lost her.

He didn’t let her see the tears in his eyes when he left.

—

Venetia called her at 8 a.m. in New York. “Olivia found out where he’s staying,” Venetia filled her in. “He’s at the yacht club.”

“Did he call her?”

“No. She checked, and he’s registered there. He still hasn’t answered any of her calls and texts. She had an anxiety attack last night and had to go to the emergency room. She’s okay now, they gave her a Xanax.”

“How is she explaining this to Will?”

“She told him that it’s work-related, that she has a big trial starting tomorrow, which isn’t true. And that Harley is in Washington for a conference that starts tomorrow. Apparently Will called him and he confirmed it, and he’s talking to him.”

“That’s something at least. God, what is she going to do if he leaves her?” Nadia asked, worried about her.

“She’ll get through it. You did,” Venetia said simply. “I hope he doesn’t, but he might. He’s a very old-school guy. He deals with criminals every day, and hands down sentences and punishments. So I guess that’s what he’s going to do here.”

“She’s not a criminal, for chrissake,” Nadia defended her. “She did something really stupid, and yes, she told a terrible lie. But did it really hurt him in the end? Or Will? This is not a hanging offense.” Why did life have to be so harsh and cruel at times?

“Maybe to him it is,” Venetia said, and Nadia sighed. “How are the girls?”

“Happy to be home. They had fun with Nicolas but they seemed thrilled to see me. I am too.” She smiled. “But I had a nice time with you.”

“Did you see him when he brought them back?” Venetia asked her.

“Yes.”

“How was it?”

“Sad. He gave it one last stab before we sign the final agreement next week. He still wants us to get back together. I can’t.”

“Let me ask you something,” Venetia said, sounding matter-of-fact. “Do you still love him?”

Nadia hesitated. “That’s beside the point. Yes, I still love him. I probably always will. He was my first love. That doesn’t die overnight or maybe ever. If he were dead, I’d still love him. But it’s over. It’s not a viable marriage. He’d probably do it again.”

“Then you leave him again. I just don’t see why you want to divorce him, if you still love him. Maybe you could breathe life into your marriage again after all.” Venetia was always the most practical among them, Athena the most compassionate and forgiving, and Olivia by far the toughest and least forgiving. It was ironic that she was in the situation she was in now, begging her husband for forgiveness for her own crimes, and not being forgiven so far.

“What about my self-respect?” Nadia countered. “Do you realize what an ass I’d look like? My husband had the most publicized affair in recent history, has a child with someone else, and I take him back? Everyone would think I’m an idiot.”

“No, they’d think you love him. And who cares what people think? Do you really give a damn about that? Nadia, if you love him, you have to think about it, for your sake, not just his.”

“He has to be held accountable,” Nadia said insistently. She had gotten tougher since it happened. It had made her stronger, which wasn’t such a bad thing. And more decisive. She wasn’t as soft and shy and accommodating as she’d been before.

“Then make him wear a hair shirt or something, or put him in shackles. He was a good husband for a long time, and you’re great parents together. What he did was terrible, but I suspect he loves you. If this is fixable and you love each other, you should think about it. Think about Olivia. She’s a hanging judge. She kept pushing you to divorce him right from the beginning. What if Harley does that to her now? What do you think about that? Do you think he should forgive her?” Nadia was silent for a moment, considering it.

“Olivia’s deal was more of a sin of omission about Will, rather than the cheating part. Nicolas’s sin was insanely, flagrantly outrageous. He made a complete fool of me!”

“Is that what you care about, that he made a fool of you?” Venetia asked her.

“No.” Her voice was a low growl of pain. “He broke my heart. That’s what I care about.”

“So do I, for you. I hated him for what he did to you. But hearts can be mended. Not always, but sometimes. That’s what you need to figure out before you end it forever. Can your heart be mended? Only you know. I guess that’s what Harley is trying to figure out right now too. You two have a lot in common.” Nadia hadn’t thought about it like that. Venetia always had a way of presenting things to her in a way that made sense. She was hoping, for Olivia’s sake, that Harley would forgive her, because she didn’t want her sister to be hurt. But she was guilty too. She had lied for fifteen years. Nicolas hadn’t. The two cases were both similar and different.

They promised to stay in close touch about Olivia, and hung up a few minutes later. Venetia had given her a lot to think about. She thought about it all day while she was with the girls and lay awake considering it for hours that night. And in the morning when she woke up, she knew what she had to do. She was going to divorce Nicolas. She was sure. Accountability. She couldn’t let him off the hook. He had hurt her too much. She wondered if Harley felt that way about Olivia too.

Chapter 13

Olivia continued calling and texting Harley day and night for three days. She left a letter for him at the yacht club, pouring her heart and soul out, begging his forgiveness. He didn’t respond to that either. She heard nothing from him.

On Friday, at lunchtime, she walked to the federal courthouse on Centre Street after she adjourned her own court. She walked into his chambers, which were open, waiting for him to leave the bench and call a recess for lunch. She was sitting quietly in a chair when he walked in and gave a start when he saw her. His face was expressionless and unreadable. He didn’t look happy to see her.

“I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to see you. You haven’t answered anything,” Olivia said grimly, her face sheet white.

“I was thinking…deliberating.” He sat down at his desk, to keep his distance from her. He looked tired, and she could see the toll it had taken on him. He seemed five years older in just a few days. She was thinner and pale too. Having him walk out on her was the most terrifying thing that had ever happened to her. “Why did you come here?” he asked her coldly.