Martin Solly: Xenophobe's Guide to the Italians

Yet there are often weak points. Incredibly well-secured doors will only be held in place by the flimsiest hinges, and that car alarm, which is so sensitive even a light shower of rain will set it off, may never be switched on.

Love is taken very seriously by Italians – 99% of all their songs are about love – and it is endlessly thought about and debated, for after all, what is life without amore ?

The debate covers a large number of key issues: What effect does falling in love have on your diet? Is love good for your health? Is love possible without sex? Is sex possible without love? Is universal love possible? And what about free love? Whole television series are devoted to couples in love, couples out of love, couples looking for love, children and love, elderly people and love, and so on. The subject has endless scope and involves the entire nation.

“Whether or not Latins really are dynamic lovers, Italians bask in the glory achieved by their forebears and millions of people continue to think that they are.”

Italian men are expected to behave in a certain way. The very popular former President, Sandro Pertini, was a happily married man whose private and public morality nobody would have dreamt of criticising. When, in his mid-seventies, while admiring the latest Alfa Romeo sports car he was heard to say: ‘What a beautiful car – not for one’s wife, of course!’, he was just being very Italian.

Whether or not Latins really are dynamic lovers, Italians bask in the glory achieved by their forebears and millions of people continue to think that they are. However, it seems that trying to live up to their reputation causes widespread problems. Long articles appear now and then in the press with statistics on the high numbers of male Italians who suffer from impotence. But help is at hand with high performance wonder drugs like viagra whose Italian sales are breaking all records.

Most verbal insults are related to sexual behaviour. Men will accuse women of free and easy sexual morals, calling them puttana (whore) and so on. When and if women swear, they tend to attack the virility of men by calling them gay, old, or impotent. Nevertheless, the legend of the Latin Lover lives on, and Italian males can read other articles in the newspapers with greater satisfaction, like the one reporting the comforting fact that Italian condoms are half a centimetre longer than those used in other countries.

Love is linked to another national obsession, betrayal. Betrayal, or rather fear of betrayal, is what keeps relationships passionate in Italy, and what is love without passion?

“Fear of betrayal, is what keeps relationships passionate in Italy, and what is love without passion?”

Magazines such as Italian Cosmopolitan regularly reveal that large numbers of Italian husbands betray their wives, and vice versa. Despite this, betrayal is still a dangerous game in Italy: enraged fathers, brothers, uncles and cousins will not think twice before resorting to violence to defend the honour of the family. Italians are famous for la vendetta , and many a blood feud is begun which can continue for generations, or at least until the original cause has long since been forgotten.

“As they also have great respect for the role they are playing, they prefer not to ruin the effect with levity.”

Italians have a good sense of humour and are able to laugh at themselves as well as at others. But as they also have great respect for the role they are playing, they prefer not to ruin the effect with levity. They are very conscious of public dignity and, when playing an institutional part, will act it with great formality and aplomb. It’s an attitude that explains why the law professor will not lard his lectures with wisecracks. This often means that Italian academic papers and conferences can be among the most serious and thus most tedious in the world. You might hear an occasional vein of discreetly veiled irony in the comments and presentation, but you have to listen hard for it.

Cartoonists satirise political figures and situations with devastating irony. Italian newspapers have developed political cartoons to a fine art because the crime of vilipendio – which makes those who insult politicians or public officials in writing liable to prosecution on criminal charges – does not include drawn illustrations. Italians enjoy seeing themselves through another’s eyes.

They get a further running commentary in the press from Italian cartoonist, Altan, whose pithy observations on their character are sent from his comfortable perch in Brazil. Here are two examples:

Two builders wearing their origami hats (builders in Italy will fold a newspaper page into the shape of a boat, and wear it as a sunhat) are sitting on a pile of bricks having their lunch. One is reading an old newspaper: “It says here that the Italians are a bunch of individualists.” “Who cares?” says the other. “That’s their business.”

A conversation between two young women, reflecting on the antics of their lovers: “One has to admit that Italian men are extraordinary,” says one. “Definitely,” says the other, “I only wish they were normal.”

The Italians’ obsession with keeping an eye on their neighbours is reflected by their humour, which has few jokes about other nationalities, but lots about other Italians. For example, one that reflects their belief that the people from Genoa are generally regarded as being stingier than the Scots:

Having decided to hang a picture in the living room, a Genoese father says to his son, “Go and ask the neighbours if we can borrow their hammer”. The boy returns empty-handed: “They say they’re sorry but they can’t find it.” “Bloody mean of them,” says the father. “OK, go and get ours, then.”

The Italians live life to the full, and do not feel in the least bit guilty leading a life of leisure and pleasure 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year. This is what life is all about: Italians do not live to work, they work to live.

Italians love shopping. Their cities are full of wonderful craftsmen and skilled tailors, as well as shops catering for every taste and whim. The quality and luxury of the goods on display in the main streets is stunning. As are the price tags. But although only the rich and famous will actually enter Prada, Gucci, Armani, Versace, Dolce & Gabbana and Valentino to buy, Italians are not put off for they know that the end price of the goods on display could turn out be very different, especially when sooner or later they could turn up in the sales or in a street market.

Shopping is considered fun, especially at the markets where there are real bargains to be found, but one should never enquire too deeply into the provenance of the goods. As long as it fits, does it really matter that the beautiful little black Moschino cocktail dress being offered to you at 90 euros is the same as the one you saw on sale in the Via Veneto last night at 990 euros? Of course, the risk is yours, and that real bargain could just as easily be a real fake.

“Italians will sell anything and everything, from their grandmother to their next-door neighbour – at the right price, of course.”

Haggling is acceptable in the markets, and customers are expected to ask for a discount in shops. Italians will sell anything and everything, from their grandmother to their next-door neighbour – at the right price, of course. In Naples, for example, the street kids will unscrew your car number plate at one set of traffic lights and sell it back to you at the next, with a smile and, naturally, at a bargain price.