Martin Solly - Xenophobe's Guide to the Italians

Italians are the world’s largest consumers of whisky, especially malt – an average bar in Italy will stock a greater selection than most pubs in Scotland – and beer is becoming fashionable with the young, especially if it is strong and imported. But what really runs in the nation’s veins is wine.

“What really runs in the nation’s veins is wine. Country wines vary from the regal to the robust, each with its own distinct character.”

Italian wines range from purple-black table wines frothing in your glass to sparkling dry whites. They are generally drunk locally and young, and the fact that many of the best Italian wines are unknown outside Italy serves to keep their prices reasonable. Country wines vary from the regal to the robust, each with its own distinct character. As a village salami-maker remarked as he savoured a glass of his region’s vino nero : ‘A wine is like a man; it can have flaws and still be pleasing.’

On the whole, Italians drink only when they eat, but this does not mean that they stint themselves. The meal will be preceded by an aperitivo , and each course will be accompanied by a different wine, with a sparkling wine reserved for the dessert.

“On the whole, Italians drink only when they eat, but this does not mean that they stint themselves.”

Unfortunately, the human stomach was not designed for such conspicuous over-indulgence, so the Italians have thought up a variety of ingenious ways to help their digestive system cope. They drink mineral waters throughout the meal, and after it can choose from a host of evil-tasting medicinal preparations called digestivi , or perhaps a fiery grappa , in the hope that it will spur their jaded innards into action.

“The human stomach was not designed for such conspicuous over-indulgence, so the Italians have thought up a variety of ingenious ways to help their digestive system cope.”

Despite these precautionary measures, the hard work that Italian digestive systems are asked to perform often leads to their going on strike, and constipation is a common complaint. Other nations’ remedies are suspect, and Italians refuse to eat the German-style wholemeal breads and American-style high fibre cereals which might solve their problems, in much the same way as they refuse to change their eating habits, by eating, for example, a little less.

“Italians are in general fairly healthy people who spend a great deal of their time thinking that they should feel healthier than they do.”

The most common Italian illness is hypochondria. Italians are in general fairly healthy people who spend a great deal of their time thinking that they should feel healthier than they do. This is partly because they imagine that everyone else feels better than they do, and partly because they have absurd expectations about their own health. They worry constantly about it. Could that stomach ache be the beginnings of a peptic ulcer (forgetting that they ate too much the night before). Might that headache be the beginnings of a brain tumour? (forgetting that they drank too much the night before).

Italians are always eager to tell friends and neighbours about their preoccupations at length, so that animated exchange you witness as you pass may as well be about piles as politics. The recipient may not be quite so happy to be targeted, and when health bores have run out of friends and neighbours they may be obliged to button-hole any available stranger.

People are happy to spend vast sums of money servicing their hypochondria. If their doctor tells them they are in the pink of health, they will go to a private specialist. If this specialist finds nothing wrong, they will go to another one, and so on, until they find a doctor who is prepared to prescribe for them. The prescription will then be taken to the local chemist and discussed at length, before the medicine is bought (and one or two others that the chemist has recommended as well; after all, you never know…). Consequently, the typical Italian bathroom cupboard is crammed with as many medicines as most dispensaries, most of them years beyond their expiry date.

Problems can occur when Italians are genuinely ill. They have already exhausted their doctor’s patience and precious time, and they have already visited half the specialists in town. One possible solution is the hospital Casualty Department. But is that ingrowing toenail a serious enough ailment? Or might the hospital surgeon remove the wrong toenail in his zeal?

“The typical Italian bathroom cupboard is crammed with as many medicines as most dispensaries.”

Italian news reports are full of hospital horror stories, like the one about the Franciscan friar who went into hospital for a hernia operation and came out with only half his trachea. Or the footballer who had the wrong knee operated on. Despite the fact that there is little real evidence of Italian hospitals being any better or worse than those of other European countries, Italians will often travel to Switzerland or France for treatment, in the unshakeable belief that hospitals function better elsewhere.

Most Italians look wonderfully fit and healthy, until they open their mouths. Dental treatment in Italy is very expensive and, unfortunately for them but fortunately for their dentists, Italians tend to wait until they have serious problems with their teeth before making an appointment. They treat their teeth as they do their ancient monuments, waiting until they are almost beyond repair rather than investing in continuous maintenance. Why bother to do a temporary fixing when you could wait until there is a really big job to be done?

“The government is seen as an alien, hostile organisation to which the people have no real link.”

Centuries of government by foreign powers have given the Italians a strange idea of government. It is not viewed as a friendly public organism designed to protect and look after their interests at home and abroad. Rather it is seen as an alien, hostile organisation to which the people have no real link or sense of belonging, one that is hungry for taxes that will go into the pockets of the current group of fat cats who are running it. Fortunately, it can conveniently be blamed for the nation’s problems. An old political cartoon sums up the Italians’ attitude. A man is standing on his doorstep looking out at the pouring rain. The caption reads: ‘It’s raining. The Government’s a bunch of crooks.’

“As it was always obvious who would win any election, the majority of Italians became used to being on the winning side.”

Italy has had upwards of 58 different governments since the Second World War, but until 1994 its politics were basically dominated by one political party, the Christian Democrats, kept in power by a coalition of allies. Cambio di governo came to mean a cabinet reshuffle rather than a ‘change of government’. So, as it was always obvious who would win any election, the majority of Italians became used to being on the winning side. Much of the present uncertainty in Italian politics is that people are no longer sure which is the winning side.

Italian politicians behave in much the same way as their ancestors. The power struggles, political corruption and clientalism that plagued the Late Roman Empire are alive and well in Italy today.

Italy is a country which seems to survive despite the efforts of its politicians to ruin it. The Italians love playing politics and the aim of the game is often difficult for foreigners to understand. One of the rules of Italian politics is that nothing which is said means exactly what it appears to, and de-codifying the speeches of the nation’s leading politicians is an art form in itself.