Kathryn Alexander - Heart Of A Husband

“Seven o’clock? Tonight?” Joanna asked.

“Yes,” Jake replied. “You won’t need to pack much. We’re having a rough winter back home. You can buy warmer clothes when you get there.”

With what? she wondered. Joanna didn’t have extra money for winter clothing. She hadn’t even had enough in her checking account to pay her school bill last semester.

Money. Joanna nearly cringed at the thought. The power of it, the need of it, the control it wielded. And all it had cost her. It was the private plane of a rich corporate executive that had crashed and taken the lives of her parents long ago. They’d been flying in inclement weather to meet the demanding schedule of a client they deemed important enough to take necessary risks for. The “necessary risk” that day took their lives when the plane went nose down into a lake.

Now, Jake and his money would be able to take Aunt Mae away to die in some strange house, in a state the woman hadn’t visited since childhood. It wasn’t fair.

“Joanna, is seven o’clock okay? I could send a cab for you—”

“No, it’s not okay,” she replied. “I need to get out of here. I want some fresh air,” she said suddenly and bolted for the nearby exit. The cool, damp weather felt good on her warm cheeks. She took a deep breath just as the doors opened behind her.

“Joanna, I know this isn’t easy for you.”

“No, it’s not.” She turned to face him, her fists clenched at her sides. “I can’t go to Indiana with you, Jake. I can’t stay with you and you know it, so why ask? Just to embarrass me?”

An honest look of surprise flashed in his eyes. “I would never try to embarrass you. What are you talking about?”

She flung her hands out in despair. “We’re not a good match. Not in any way. You’ve made that clear enough. You feel it, I feel it. I think even God feels that way about us. Putting us in the same house together for any amount of time will only lead to…to…arguments. Or worse.” A sinking feeling weighted the pit of her stomach.

Raking a hand through his dark hair, Jake turned away from her. She was right. He couldn’t dispute the truth. But, somehow, they had to get beyond it temporarily to help Mae. To keep a promise. He placed both hands on the metal railing that surrounded the veranda. “Joanna, I’m sorry. Sorry we went out alone together on your birthday, sorry about everything that happened.” He hesitated. “I shouldn’t have touched you.”

“I don’t want your apology,” she said quickly. What she wanted now, and a hundred times since that night, was to be in his arms again. And she was angry at herself for wanting this man who didn’t want her, not even when she’d foolishly been there for the taking. She watched Jake turn his head to glance at her. His wistful look tugged at the sweet ache in her heart.

“I can’t force you to come home with me, Jo. You’re twenty-two years old, old enough to make your own decisions.” He paused for a moment. “But it’s what Mae wants. It’s what she needs.”

“She shouldn’t expect such a thing of me. She doesn’t have any idea how awkward it would be.”

“You didn’t tell her that things…had changed between us?” Jake studied her restless movements as she inched a little farther from him.

“No, I didn’t,” she acknowledged. Joanna folded her arms together. “It didn’t seem right. She would have blamed you.”

“She should have blamed me,” he responded, his voice filled with regret. “I was thirty-two years old. You were barely twenty.”

Joanna shivered at the thought of that night’s misery. “When you left me at my door in tears, I felt like I was about eight.”

“I wish you had been,” he said with a sad smile, then averted his gaze to the darkening skies. “Then I could have been trusted to take you to dinner and return you home safely, with your heart in one piece.”

“I was safe with you, Jake,” she responded. Incredibly, agonizingly safe, Joanna remembered. “Only my pride was hurt.” She rubbed the chill away from her arms when their eyes met again. The tenderness in his gaze only deepened her sense of loneliness.

“I’m sorry, Jo,” he offered gently. Sorry most of all that he had unwittingly let this lovely young woman find a way into the heart he’d kept cold and silent all those years. His father’s sorrows had taught him well. How not to trust. Not to love. But with Joanna… Nothing made sense anymore.

Biting her lip, Joanna looked away. “It wasn’t something I couldn’t get over,” she lied as her pulse pounded with guilt. She wasn’t going to let him know how badly it had hurt, how badly it still hurt—even now. Maybe God would forgive her this little lie, this one indiscretion.

“There’s no need to be afraid that—”

“I’m not afraid,” Joanna stated. Indiscretion number two. She was afraid. Of them. Of all they would never be together.

Jake studied her thoughtfully before transferring his gaze to the setting sun in the distance. If she didn’t agree to go, then this would be the end of it. He couldn’t go through this again. Seeing her sad. Lovely. And so alone.

A silence fell between them momentarily that hung heavy like a cloud. When Jake spoke again, his words were gentle. “Come home with me, Jo.”

Joanna swallowed hard, feeling as if her heart had jumped into her throat. What should she do? What was the right choice? What would the Lord expect of her? Only one thing was certain. If she didn’t go with him, she might never see Aunt Mae again. Never.

“Are you sure about this, Jake? Absolutely sure it’s…the right thing…to do?” She was stalling, she knew. Waiting, wanting something more from him than she’d seen.

“Yes,” he responded with a confidence he didn’t feel. “It’s what Mae wants, and it’s what I want.” But the thin, straight line of his mouth offered no hint of the emotions storming inside him.

Joanna shivered, although the damp air was not cool enough to justify it. If she was going to make this journey, she’d need God’s guidance every step of the way. Otherwise, it would be a huge mistake. A journey she’d get lost in. One she’d regret. There’d be no relying on herself this time. She took a quiet breath as her mind raced with a crazy blend of hope and fear.

“All right,” she told him. She’d go. A risk taker wasn’t something Joanna had considered herself to be, but people could change. Especially in the face of great loss. Couldn’t they?

Jake nodded. A mixture of feelings surged through him, none of which he could voice. Everything from the satisfaction of winning an argument to the uneasiness of facing the truth of what he’d just lost. A chance to walk away from this woman who haunted his dreams. Was that what he’d wanted?

“Let’s go inside,” Jake said. They stepped off the veranda and walked back through the double doors of the hospital. “I’ll be leaving with Mae at seven.”

“But, Jake, I can’t be ready by then. There are things I need to do, people I need to call. I’ll have to notify the day care center where I work.” Excuses poured from Joanna.

“I understand,” Jake conceded. “I guess that would be a lot to ask. I’ll see about getting you a flight on another day.”

“All right,” she agreed. “I’ll get everything taken care of as quickly as I can.”

“I’ll ask my housekeeper to call you later with your flight information. That is, unless you don’t want to fly,” Jake began and then hesitated, searching Joanna’s face for the truth he expected. “I know that your parents died in a plane crash. If you’d rather not fly, I’ll make other arrangements.”

“No,” Joanna replied. “I don’t mind. I flew several times with my adoptive parents when I was a child.”